Why...

Why is it that everytime I try and make a decision, something comes along and makes me think twice??

It happens all the time.

So...what's really fair?

I really needed this weekend. It definitely gave me some perspective, deeper understanding...

It was Tina's birthday this weekend, so James and I went up to Edmonton for the weekend. I'm not going to lie, I was kinda nervous for the weekend. For a few reasons. Tina was having a party, I was kinda scared I wouldn't fit in... I don't drink, I don't smoke, and my dancing skills are a little sub-par... And I was afraid that my social skills would be a little rusty cause the whole depression/anti social thing has made them so. And then we were going to go out to a gay bar, and i've only been out dancing at a club a couple of times, but we were always there early and left early, and not everyone I was with liked dancing, so I always had an out if I didn't feel like making an idiot out of myself. That, and I wasn't really sure what to do with James... I mean, we've kinda been friends for years, but i've never really hung out with him, and ...i dunno... the whole idea of the weekend kinda put me on edge.

It was kinda silly to be nervous. I keep forgetting how Tina makes me feel. There is something about her that makes me feel at ease, and totally comfortable. She gets inside my walls without even trying, and once shes in, I don't even mind her being there. I've met VERY few people that have such an effect on me... actually she might be the only one... Now don't get me wrong, I'm not in love with her, this is something that has nothing to do with love or sex. Its pure friendship and respect. Anyway, from the moment I walked in the door I felt better.

We decorated for the party a bit and decided to go out for sushi with her roommate and some of her friends. Who all happen to be gay guys. It was cool, they were all really nice and totally cool people. The party was awesome, minus the drinking and stuff, the dancing was great and I got to know a bunch of people. It was sweet.

At about 3am, we decided to go for breakfast. Tina was pretty gone, and we had a litle bathroom party, you know how girls do. And we talked a little bit about my ratio... I always held to my 80-20 ratio, but I brought it up and told her it was more like 55-45... I'm kinda pathetic. I can't bring myself to tell her except when im certain she wont remember...

So we went home... and I happen to share her bed with her. We joked about it all the time, i'm a big spoon, she's a little spoon.. I'm a cuddle slut... So I spooned her pretty much all night, I'm not going into detail. But we spent the weekend talking and bonding... I loved it. But it made me realize something-

I cannot live like that. (This is the opposite of what you expected isn't it) It's something I can't accept about myself. Don't get me wrong, it felt good. Tina is so hot, and comfortable, and ugh, she knows exactly how to touch me, and she defs made my heart skip a couple times, and I'm not gonna lie, I thought about it... But, We talked about how she figured it out, who she told, people's reactions, and that's not what did it, I could care less about what people think, its me that I have to live with... the thing is... She told me about the first time she kissed a girl and how good it was, how much better it was than kissing boys. Which is why I can never kiss a girl. Its the bakery bun principle...

If you aren't familiar with the bakery bun principle, it is this- Ignorance is bliss. If you don't know any better, you can be happily satisfied with what you have. You can go your whole life eating store bought buns and be happy about it... but once you have fresh bakery buns, anything that is not bakery bun isn't good enough. It ruins you. ...right now, I'm ok with kissing boys. ..well... boy. It took me 24 years to find a boy that I actually liked kissing... but the point is, I could be happy with him. Unless I kiss a girl and there is magic and fireworks.. and ruins it for me.

So I guess here is the thing. This isn't fair for anyone. I'm not sure I can be with a guy, cause in the back of my mind, i'll always check out women, and wonder. BUT, I can't be with a girl because I can't let myself. My religion, my family, my friends and my own head stand in the way. Even if I do let myself fall for a girl, and get a girlfriend, I won't ever be what she needs, and I won't ever let her all the way into my life, she won't ever be entirely what I want, I can't see myself growing old with a woman, I want kids... And its def not fair for me... I'm kinda stuck.

But to the point, I kinda came to a decision. No girls. I won't ruin myself. I still have a choice right now, I'm not ruined yet, and i'm choosing to be straight. Its not being closed minded. This is a trial, and one that I will overcome. I don't have anything against gays. Its just not for me.

Anti Social...

Thats what I am right now. Really, I don't know why, or what happened to me. I used to be popular, i'd go out all the time, I always had something to do, or somewhere to be... its Saturday night, i'm at home. Its 9:10pm.

I can't even remember when/how it started. I just got sick of people. Started ignoring invites to things, or making up excuses not to go. I don't even know how I feel about it.

Sometimes its like depression... Its just the lack of motivation. I don't see the point. And I am sick of entertaining people, being the funny one, being the one with the awesome ideas, trying to impress people, cause in the end... what's the point?

Flirting? I'm Flattered..

I don't care what anyone says, if someone flirts with you, its a total self esteem boost, straight or not. Personally, I find it dang flattering when girls hit on me. I just hate when I'm too self concious to flirt back.

I played rugby for the LRC, and one day, I went to practice not feeling very good, so I'm sitting on the bleachers, watchin practice with a couple of the other injureds. About half the practice passes, then this girl walks up and sits with myself and another girl, starts talkin, introduces herself, says her name is Rachel. Now, i've been 'warned' by my teammates about the girls on the team who were 'dykes' and she happened to be on the list, I didn't mind at all... We make small talk, I ask her what position she plays, she said scrumhalf. She asked me what position I played, I told her I played prop. She made this surprised face and was like "Really?!" I said Yeah... what position did you think I played? And she is all "I woulda said wing, or inside center..." Aww shucks... For anyone that isn't familiar with rugby... thats a compliment. She thinks I look quick and sleek... Usually callin a forward a back is an insult, but they way she meant it...made me feel good about myself. Inside, I was like, mmm I like this girl.. Its just too bad we weren't alone. I couldn't flirt back... people might notice.

Point is- I don't care where it comes from, its totally flattering to be flirted with. Love it. Everytime I think about that moment it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy..

Feels better.

So I came out. Well, that's a lie... technically she already knew, but we talked about it. At the time I didn't think it really counted, but I'm starting to think it did, cause... I feel ....better...

So, Jo, Angel's girlfriend and I are... friends? ..acquaintances? ....something.... Anyway, every now and then we have little chats. And the other day, I felt like I needed some more perspective on being gay, so I asked her what her story was, you know, when she started figuring things out, who she told, how she did it, regrets, things... You know, stuff. I don't have rights to her story, but she told me this-

JO-

Umm I regretted a lot of things in the beginning .. ..

I told a few friends here and there.. It was really hard in the beginning cause people started changing their views of me however things got a Lot better in the long run..,

I don't know if I have a legitimate story but I'll tell you what I struggle with is accepting myself... Recently it's been getting easier however I know there will be a lot more obstacles coming my way ..it's life... no matter if your straight,gay,bi,purple or blue.. It's gonna be a pile of crap sometimes ...I want to be with someone I love and if that means I'm gonna go through shit.. Then bring it on..ill risk anything if it's worth fighting for- whats the point of hiding... You want to look back at your life and know that you stayed true to yourself.. Be you.. Your not living for any one else on this planet

Your a pretty smart girl... You just need to learn how to love yourself sometimes...

Jo is the smart one. I read that, and kinda took it to heart... I went to write her back, and verbal vomit kinda started and I puked this out...

" That's my biggest problem...being a "smart" girl, Cause whenever something is a battle between my head and my heart, my head almost always wins...

Thanks for the thoughts. Figuring stuff out sucks. The stupid thing is I've had feelings for girls forever, and about 13 years ago is kinda when I started to figure those feelings out, and the thought kinda crossed my mind that I might be gay, but I wouldn't accept that, so I've spent over a decade now trying to fight it... I've thoroughly convinced myself that I like boys, but deep down I can't get rid of those feelings for girls. Drives me nuts. I've never kissed a girl cause I'm terrified that I might like it way more than kissing boys.

Lately I've started to just hate myself. And a part of me wants to just give up the fight, but my head tells me that I can win, and its too stubborn to quit. I'm kind of afraid of what people will think, and I know a number of people aren't going to like it, but I think a lot of people already know... apparently I give off that vibe. And I've never really been concerned with what people think, the thing is- Its something that I can't fully accept. If my heart wins, my head with resent it forever. Especially when tough times roll around. And I know its stupid cause I'm miserable right now... I don't WANT to be this way. And I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it really cause for me to talk about it would be admitting it, and its not something you can take back.

Besides that, I can't physically make myself say anything. I've had opportunities to, but I can never just say it. A (les)friend of mine actually kind of called me out on it over text, and I typed and erased like 17 messages, trying to explain what was going on, but I couldn't send them. Eventually I just denied it. And out of all the people in the world, she would understand the most, and I trust her, and she would be the perfect person to tell... and I can't.


Wow.......

I'm sorry... i just kinda.....let that go....

Didn't mean to dump....that just came out... Sorry"

Yeah... That just happened. I've never told anyone that before. I mean, I write the blog, and the time I was with Angel, she got the gist of it... But I've never really talked about it.


Jo

"Np... It's all about you... . Remember the first step is always the hardest.. No matter how cliche that line may be... It's also very true..you told me lol and my view of you has not changed... Give people a chance... I promise you that if you never actually reveal your true self... You will Never find real happiness ... Your acting like a teenager... Your not in highschool anymore brah.. Your a cool person... Grow some balls woman...

If you ever do come out... You will regret it at first...However it will be worth it in the long run...people already think your gay... You just make yourself look bad with the lies...not all People are dense...

Life's a bitch..only thing you can really do is make it your bitch lol... Hopefully that makes sense"

My response-
Pft. Me telling you doesn't count, you already knew. IM NOT acting like a teenager!! Lol, it does make sense... it also made me smile.

I think thats the first thing I need to do... experiment a bit, figure things out.

Jo

I think you have things figured out.., just to scared to admit the truth... You can't handle the truth lohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifl... Don't hurt any people along the way of self discovery... Experimenting can be fun.. Just be careful.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif



Solid advice... I have a bad track record with hurting people... as per my previous post about me hurting people and ruining lives...

Anyway, since talking to her, I feel better... So... Thanks Jo.

The Vibe

I've mentioned before that I give off some kind of Lesbo-vibe... I started thinking about it, and ya know, taking a good hard look at myself, and you know what? Its kind of a no-brainer...

I've shopped in the men's clothing section ALL my life.

I Love cats.

I'm really comfortable around women.

I play/act/ am one of the guys.

I do guy stuff better than a lot of guys..

I love IKEA.

I play rugby.

I like Angelina Jolie, KD Lang and Ellen Degeneres.

I listen to Tegan and Sara.

My hairstyle of choice is pony tail.

I'd rather watch football than chick flicks.

I play the guitar and write songs.

I love plaid.

Pretty much I'm your typical Lesbo.

Too bad I live a double life.

Am I lying to you, or lying to myself?

(I wrote this post like a week ago, and I decided I want to post it)

I lie. The thing is though, i've been doing it for so long, I don't know which the lie is anymore.

What am I lying about? I'm lying about liking girls. I'm either lying to myself that I do like girls, or i'm lying to you about not liking girls... see the thing is- I don't know. It makes more sense to be lying to you, but the truth is, I don't know.

I have this thing... where I only like things until I have them, a part of me wonders if I like girls because I can't have them...

Do I actually like girls? I can't see myself growing old with a girl.

I do like guys...well guy... I've found one that I actually really like... and he's not a bad kisser. And I want to have kids, and live a normal life...

I do find girls attractive. But is it love, or just lust?

I like boys, I like boys, I like boys, I like boys...

I like girls.

I've never even kissed a girl... part of me doesn't want to... what if I like it more than I like kissing boys? It took me 23 years to find a guy that I liked kissing...

After I told Tino that I wasn't a lesbian, she said that she was jealous that I didn't have these feelings for girls, and that its hard, and she hates that her family thinks shes going to hell...

I've got an option... granted, I can't have him for like 2.5 years... but if its an option, why would I choose the path that brings hate? I can be perfectly happy with a boy. I'm actually not so worried about other people... I'm pretty sure people already know, apparently I have a vibe, and people are surprised im not a lesbian.. I don't care what other people think, I'm the one that has to live with myself... I can't accept this about myself.

Curiosity killed the cat.

I can't have Court. Is that why I want her so bad? She gives me butterflies sometimes when she touches me... I love that feeling.

Its not really fair for anyone. Its not fair for me to be with Dallas, because I might like girls more than I like him. Its not fair to be with a girl cause I can't bring myself to give up the church, not now, probably not ever. Its not fair to myself...

The first time I said it.

Ok guys, so I neglected to tell you about the first time I said "I love You" to Courtney. And its not due to some gross oversight by yours truly, but I ommitted it because I didn't really want angel to know at the time... But now she knows, and I feel like sharing, sooo...

We had texted the words I love you a few times, but up until this point, we hadn't really said it out loud.

We were just getting home from the JV rugby tournament, she came along to help out, and the whole bus ride home, she was being kind of annoying... We got back to that parking lot, and I had had about enough of her annoyingness, she was just about to leave and she called out across the parking lot "Love You!!" ...Pretty much just stared her down "Uh-huh" She looked at me, and said it again. This time I called back "Ok", she made this hurt face "...I...Love you.." I didn't say anything to it. There were people around and she was ticking me off, so I left it at that. She was none too happy with that. I texted her later, apologized and texted her that I love her. She accepted my apology but knocked me for not being able to verbalize it...

A few nights later I was on the phone with her, we had been talking for like 3 hours, and we had kind of a moment, and I said 'I love you..' she stopped and was like "what?" So I said it again, and she was like "Oh, um... one more time...?" Jerkface... This was the legitmate first time I told her I love her, and it was kind of a moment for me, I got like butterflies, and it felt good to just tell her...

BUT

It wasn't really a moment for her i guess..(Or it was the fact that it was 2am and we were both falling asleep) cause we were hanging out a few days after that and she calls me out for not being able to say the L-word... I was taken aback, and was all...."I did say it...on the phone the other night" She told me that she didn't remember this happening. So I tell her that the next time I say it, it will be a moment that she will NEVER forget..

A week or two passes from that moment, and we are hanging out in her back alley, like we usually do. My car is parked at the opposite end of the alley from her house, and its the end of our night, she starts walking home and i'm about to get into my car... she gets about half way up the alley and she turns around and yells "I love you!" ...I look at her and respond "I told you the next time I said that, it would be a moment that you'd never forget..." (In my head it would be a moment where I kissed her) She stands there, looks at me, one hip cocked, arms folded with an 'I dare you' look on her face...

I close the door to my car and throw my keys on the ground. I hesitate for a split second, then take off up the alley, sprinting straight for her. She moves slightly cause she was afraid that I was going to tackle her... She knows me too well. I slam into her, at almost full speed(she's a rugby player, she's fine) similtaneously wrap my arms around her tight and pick her up off the ground, I spin around a few times, holding onto her as if my life depended on it. I stop, she is still in my arms feet off the ground and in one graceful move, I put her on the ground(hard)... (it may have been a little painful, but im an S&M kinda girl) I am right on top of her, half my weight pinning her down, I pin her arms down and lean my face so close to hers, I can feel her breath. This is the moment she starts to struggle a little bit, starts to fight back, but i've got her.. and she stops struggling, I give her a little eskimo kiss, and run the tip of my nose over her cheek, I whisper her name. She has her eyes closed and I spend a minute trying to get her to look at me, I again brushed my cheek against hers, and moved back a bit. I was just looking at her, I brought my hand up and brushed a piece of hair away from her face, then i traced my fingers along the side of her face, down her neck a little ways, then back up to her cheek. I rested my hand there, moved my thumb across her cheek.. then I heard her whisper "Don't kiss me"

Um.... WOW... I stopped myself for a moment.. I was actually thinking about kissing her. I shouldn't. Thats kind of where I was about to go... I was just looking at her beautiful lips in the moonlight, I could feel her breathing, I knew exactly how soft her skin was, it was this moment that I wanted to kiss her the most that I decided that I couldn't. She asked me not to, and I really....really shouldn't.

But just because I wasn't going to kiss her, doesn't mean, I was going to stop. I leaned down, let my nose graze her ear and I whispered "I love you" I stayed on top of her a while longer, just teasing her. I said it a few more times, just to get my point across... I REALLY wanted to kiss her...

I got up, pulled her to her feet and into an immediate embrace, told her good night, let her go and then ran off to my car.

Did I make a mistake?

Did I make a mistake? Part of me thinks I should've just been straight(pun?) with Tina from the start... It would've made everything so much easier for the both of us. And I say both of us, cause I feel like i've failed her a few times... just because im selfish and stupid.

Let's start at the beginning, then you will see... Ok, so you know Tina and I have been friends since high school. After I graduated, we kinda drifted apart, like everyone in high school does. I had only seen her in passing for a few years, everytime we both say we should hang out, but never do. You know how it goes. I graduated from high school in 2004. (Wow... I'm old..) December 2009 is when I heard that Tina had come out. It didn't really surprise me, but i had mixed feelings toward this. A part of me really wanted to call her up and hang out with her, but I was afraid that she might think I had ulterior motives, or that she would know that I had the same kind of feelings. Mostly I knew if I hung out with her, it would lead me into a place I wasn't ready for yet. -This was selfish. I didn't think about her situation. It didn't occur to me that she might need friends and support, I never thought that people would be hating on her. It only crossed my mind when she officially came out to me, she said she wasn't sure what I would think, she was scared that I was a hater. This kinda hurt, cause COME ON, I'm the most understanding person in the world. But it was my own fault... I'm just stupid.

Then again last weekend. I was supposed to go up there to hang out, but I ditched for a wedding. I could've gone. I should have. There was a bunch of PRIDE stuff goin on and shows and stuff I was supposed to take Courtney with me. Tino was all about us coming. She even offered to split gas. But i'm a bonehead, and didn't go. I didn't put two and two together- she just moved there, didn't have many friends, the weekend was an opportunity to go out and meet people and have a couple wingmen. I coulda helped a sister out, but im a selfish jerk and didn't go. Stupid.

I forget that other people are human. Human because they have feelings and fears and love, not because they are underhanded and manipulative.

The more I think about the more i'm convinced I should have just told Tino, that night in her room when she came out to me. I didn't because Court was there, I was afraid of what it would do to our relationship. Court said she thought I was a lesbian when she first met me anyway. Tino was surprised that I wasnt gay... They were both right. It's a vibe I give off. No one can tell me what it is exactly, but apparently, I scream Lesbo.

I had a conversation with Tina a little while ago.. She implied that she thought I was in love with Courtney... I still couldn't bring myself to let anything slip, so I said no. That I loved her, but wasn't IN love with her. I don't really know though, *I* haven't kissed her... not that i haven't come close.. Anyway, but I think since I said that, its given Tino free range on her. But this is good for me, cause I can't have her anyway... Maybe this will keep Court occupied a while.

I have a type?

Ok, so looking at my hot girl list, it kinda looks like I have a definite type... With the exception of Angel and Pink- brunettes. Musical, strong personality... same general kind of look..

Which is funny, cause in real life, I tend to prefer blondes... One of my first crushes Sarah, was a blonde. In highschool, Kaleigh was blonde. Both of them sang beautifully though...so I am a sucker for a sweet voice...

Post high school I met this girl working in Waterton, we became roommates, and boy, I had it bad for her... Her name was Laura... I met her the first summer I worked there, we became friends, I slept on her couch more times than I could count, then we decided to go back the next summer together as roommates... we pushed our beds together to create 'more space' in the room... We would spend pretty much every minute all summer together, there were a few times I legitimately wanted to kiss her... just sitting on our bed, talking about music and mountains at like midnight on a warm summers night... Yeah... I woulda been all over that, but as it went, we stayed friends, and I think for the better, I love her, and wouldn't trade hat friendship for anything. Anyway, point is- she's blonde.

And as of right now.. Courtney is blond too... But courtney doesn't really fit my usual personality type...

Oh well, I do need to make an addition to that list, I can't believe I forgot Ruby...


She has perfect lips. And everything about her... except only as the character Ruby...

...I named my car after her...

Awkward Moment When....

Awkward moment when you have an awkward moment that you really can't tell anyone about...

So... yeah, I was on google, looking up gay bars here, total freak accident, hit images... It's not as dirty as your mind is going right now, but this picture of my best friend from high school comes up. I'm totally bewildered, so I have to click on it, and it takes me to this dating site. Apparently she made a lesbian profile, I NEVER woulda thought... She's married, has three kids. Not that that has anything to do with it, but the profile fits, and im 99% that is a picture of her... the only thing that doesn't fit is the height... but come on!

Its just weird to stumble across people you know, and learn things you didn't..

But I can't tell anyone... not that I would out her like that, but if I ever said anything, people wouldn't even get around to asking about er, cause their first question, would undoubtedly be "What were you doing on a gay dating site?"

Oh well... its weird.

Hot Girl List

Ok, so I figured it was about time I made a solid list... I've been thinkin about it lately, and this is what i've got so far...


Elizabeth Hurley. Nuff said.


The lead of the accappella group Delilah Mmm, her eyes are amazing, as is her voice. She has a kind of commanding presense that is so good... Perfect teeth... scratch that, straight up perfect mouth.

Maybe I have a thing for girls that sing. The girl singing lead/beatboxing for Noteworthy Oh where do I even start... just LOOK at her. And her beatboxing is amazing. She's got kind of a boyish look. So cute. Mmmm.

Amy Lee
You could just fall into her eyes...




Lisa Marie Prestley Everything about her screams of angst.. I find that sexy.


Olivia Wilde. In every role shes played, any hair color. Mmmm.

Most of the American/UK/Aussie Gladiators...
CrushCrush CrushCrushCrushCrush..

Also Enigma, Siren, Fox, Diamond, Fire, Viper and Angel....
Hell yeah.... Angel...




Pink. The voice, the body, the tattoos, the bad girl attitude, the strong, independant personality. Oh... SO HOT.

Black and White Shades of Grey

People are shades of grey. A mix of black and white. Their lives go on like a child playing on a canvas, their experiences dictating how much black or how much white this child has to work with. Not that good experiences are white and bad experiences are black, but that each of life's experiences teach you something about yourself, and as you learn, you tend to lean either towards good or bad... The two colours mix, becoming a shade. There is vagueness, uncertainty, questions... What is really right? What is really wrong? The tone changes as the light shifts across the table the child plays on, you can't ever really tell how dark or light the grey is. Always changing, adding, shifting. There is hope in this for most, because it doesn't matter how dark the grey is, they can always add a little more white. People making decisions and act according to the shade... They are the lucky ones. Cause it doesn't matter what shade they are, it is ONE shade.

I am Black and white. They never mix. They try and find some kind of compromise, but my white is the whitest pure white, and my black is darker than the night. They may touch each other, swirl around, each one trying to snuff out the other, but they remain- black and white. Not always exactly equal, however they remain fairly close. For the majority of my childhood white won, but i've been finding as of late that the black has quite the persuasive power... This is me. My urges, my thoughts, my actions... they are either pure, and loving and beautiful... or they are twisted and manipulative, and boarder line evil. When I say that a part of me wants something, I actually mean a part. My two sides don't get along. Why would they? They are opposites. Oil and Water. I don't know how to make you understand the struggle that is inside... in everything. My White makes decisions, does things and my Black sneers and tries to steal me back... My Black makes moves, and my white knows exactly what is going on and tells me to control myself. Its far deeper than the angel/devil on your shoulder. They don't whisper in my ear, they come from within and drive my soul. And like I said, when i am good- I am GOOD... and when I am bad... it scares even me...

Round 2.

Court and I had our 2nd official fight. Ususally i'm all supportive, but I just lost it again... I really shouldn't have. It wasn't even a big deal, and I was gonna let it go, but then she gets all pissed off at me for something, and thats how it went... We both kinda had reasons to be mad, even if they were stupid reasons, so we just got mad at each other...

It sucked.

I hate it so much when we fight. And I felt really bad cause she's been dealing with a bunch of stuff, and she's kinda having a rough go at life right now... and my biggest worry in life is what i'm going to be for Halloween... I'm such a bitch.

Anyway, I sort of apologized, but continued to be a bitch, and then decided to be one right back. I held my ground and she apologized... Which is weird, cause I don't think thats ever happened. With anyone. I'm always the first to cave, to to try and make peace... but this time i wasn't... A part of me felt good that I could stand up for myself... but another part of me felt like trash cause I may have hurt her a little bit...

Anyway, we are ok now. Ok... we're not really ok... We are both still horribly screwed up messes, but the point is, we can be screwed up together.

For now.

Until I have a bout of clausterphobia in my stupid little closet...

I'm convinced that there is a back door in here somewhere... someway I can get out, without actually 'coming out'.

New Favorite Person

Ok, so i'm cruising the YouTube, stumbled across this girl... Oh my gosh, I think i'm in love! Firstly the mean girls thing-Awesome, Secondly, DANG she is FIIIIINE. Third, She is effing Hilarious.

She has a bunch of really good, like helpful, inspirational vids. Kind of awesome.

Nope... Still in the Closet..

That was a close one though... the door was open... I could see out.. Scared the shiz outta me. Slammed that door shut.

My lez friend Tino texted me. Started talking about Court... I drop hints. Say things. Flirt. Anyway, If Court doesnt know I want her... either shes an idiot, or I am just really good... I'm curious though, so I ask her if Court talks about me... Tino catches on, and kinda calls me out on it.. I panic.

I thought about telling her. Of all the people I know, she would understand the most... but I run into the problem I run into with everyone.. I dont trust them. It sounds harsh, and I dont mean it that way, but... I am boarder line paranoid. If I tell Tino, she will probably let it slip to court... maybe she wouldn't... she probably wouldn't. But there arent any guarantees. I need absolute certainty in my life. I cant afford to let people know. Especially when I plan on staying in my closet for the rest of my life. Nobody is perfect at keeping someone else's secrets. I can barely keep this one..

She asks me point blank. I write about 17 different messages to her. Erasing each immediately after I wrote it cause I couldn't bring myself to say anything... finally I just said no. I hate lying, but I had to.

I had to...

I'll tell her...She was right. Eventually... Just...Not yet. I can't. I tried. My head won't let me. And we all know how well my head and my heart get along..

146 Days

Its 146 days until rugby season officially starts...

I've been thinking lately... about how much Court is going to hate me come season... and about how much im going to miss her. Which is kinda funny, cause I'll se her more during season than I do now, but, our relationship won't be the same. I've warned her about it, but a part of me thinks she isn't going to fully understand what I am going to do. I'm gonna be a bitch. Partly on purpose, partly because i will just revert to my old self. She thinks she loves me, but i'm in control of that, I can make her hate me so fast...

But thats not what I want. I don't want her to hate me... but I don't trust her self control. I don't think she can properly handle having a fake relationship... Or at least I don't think she could last in one for 4 months.

146 days... its been 128 days since we really started being friends, and look how much trouble i've already gotten into. If our relationship keeps going at this rate... yeah... I don't even want to go there. I really want to back off, but I can't really bring myself to, im weak, and stupid... I didn't touch her for two weeks while I was in NZ, and now, its all I want to do. A few nights ago, I snuck into her backyard just to hug her, it was a reasonably long hug, but I didn't want to stop, I didn't want to put her down, but I made myself, and even when I did stop hugging her, my hand stayed on her back, my body begging me to just grab her again and never let go, and then she moved away from my hand and my heart dropped. I'm going crazy. And even now, I just want to go wrap my arms around her, bury my face in her neck and just .....ugh... I want to love her, and squeeze her till she's alllll mine... just call my Elmyra..

Anyway, to the point... I don't know what to do with the next 146 days... and even worse, the 120 days after that.

Problem

So... life is ....crap. Well, its not really life... *I* am crap. Which is to say, im an idiot. I read my last post, and... i dont even know.. its not like she belongs to me. Or ever will.

I really needed to get away. I got out of the country, and was having the time of my life, and still, all I could think about was her. She texted me everyday. I had to make a conscious effort to keep my mind busy, and off her, but every time I stopped, there she was.

The night I came home, I went straight over to her house, she was waiting outside for me, I jumped out of my car, ran over to her her and she jumped into my arms. Ugh, she felt so good. I just held her, her legs wrapped around my waist, clinging to me, I couldn't get enough of her, I never wanted to let her go. But then Tina showed up. She came down for the weekend, and I was happy to see her, but that meant I had to put Court down... It was a lil chilly so we climbed in the back of Tina's truck, Court Sat right in the middle, I sat right next to her. As a reflex, I went to put my arm around her, but stopped myself and just put my hand on the back of the seat. I wanted so bad to touch her, it was all I could do to keep my hands off her... I did fail a few times.. I let my arm slip down around her back and held on to her for a bit, but moved the second I got a hold of myself... I spent sometime running my fingers through her hair... cause... friends do that ... right?

Tina ended up leaving a bit later, leaving myself and Court alone, we talked, I brought her back a Necklace from NZ, so I put that on her. Hugged her for a long time... not nearly long enough. She told me to go to bed. I wasn't tired. She pretty much sent me home. Which was probably a good thing...



I'm in trouble. I'm kind of addicted to her. And I can't let her know, and I have to find some way to kick this addiction without hurting her. Fleeing the country didn't work at all. I envision these conversations where I would just tell her everything... but I cant. She wants to know why I pushed the coach/player issue- Not because we cant be friends, but because I was attracted to her, and I could already see myself slipping. She wants to know why I put a limit on how many texts we can send per day- Because I was afraid of getting attached to her. She wants to know why I flipped out that one day, when I sort of broke up with her- That day she told me that she could tell when my head was winning, and when my heart was winning. I thought she knew. She wants to know why I was a total bitch to her the day she told me she was dating Jordan- I couldn't control my jealousy, no matter how hard I tried. She wants to know why i'm acting weird- I have difficulty controlling myself around her... I've almost kissed her like 6 times, and i've wanted to kiss her like 1000...I just want to hold her, and never let go... I want to fall asleep beside her, I want to run my hands all over her, I just want to breathe her in..

I need to back it off... but im in too deep and I don't know how, and I can't get her out of my head.

I can't be in love with a 16 year old...

Its Not Over Yet.

So, the saying goes -Its not over till the fat lady sings. Well, I say, its not over till the fat lady says. And I'm not done yet.

Its apparent that she isnt in love with this guy. And he is no competition for me. I dont mean to sound arrogant, but I know her, and we have something...

And we talked about some stuff... I think she's figuring out who she really is. Thanks to Christina. We had a conversation, I told her (a little bit) about Angel, and sent her a pic, she said that she thought Angel was beautiful and that she never woulda thought that she was a les. I sent her a pic of Jo too, she thought they were adorable and she wants "to keep them"... I told her she could meet them if she wanted, just take a road trip out to Van, cause I kinda want them to meet her too... and then she started talking about Christina. She was attracted to Christina. I asked her if she did anything with her, and she said that Christina said she was attracted to her too, but didn't feel right about the age gap... and that she had to fight the urge to kiss Court... She told me it kinda broke her heart. Sad. Its kinda funny that this didn't really make me jealous. She also said that she had wanted to tell me that for so long, but didn't know how i'd react... Silly girl, knows she can tell me anything, but I guess im doing a good job of keeping my cover...

I'm leaving soon, she ditched him to hang out with me. We went cruising, listened to music, went back to my house, watched some rugby, talked about stuff, I gave her a massage, we ended up cuddling on my couch, then over by my fireplace. Point for me. I win. She may be dating him, but she likes me more.

BUT ...I don't know how I feel about this whole thing.

Broken

I can't even begin to explain how much this hurts... I want to throw up, or cry... or both. Love is stupid. I barely believe in it as it is.

She has a boyfriend. Out of nowhere. Totally blindsided me today. It feels like i've been hit by a train. Its a good thing im not PMSing right now, I probably wouldve broken right down at work. ...Its unprofessional to cry at work, Its unprofessional to cry at work, Its unprofessional to cry at work....


OK- Whole Story time...

So, she texts me this morning, tells me she couldn't sleep again last night. I ask her if she needs me to come help her fall asleep, ;) If you know what I mean.. we flirt a bit, and she says "Meh, I've heard better" then I say "You may have heard better, but guaranteed, you've never felt better. ;)" Her response- "Oh.. you cant say that."

We have this thing, where we pretend we are in some kind of relationship... and we tell each other not to cheat.. anyway, she accuses me of cheating this morning, I respond "You did it first" to which she replies "I DID NOT" ...Ok... Sure you didn't... just last week, you showed up drunk to my house with a group of guys. But its not really cheating if you don't remember it right? I'm pretty sure you don't remember much of that night cause you kissed a guy... like full on kissed a guy right in front of me.ANYWAY.

So she starts telling me about "Jordan" and how romantic he is being... Apparently he left a single red rose for her on her back gate... sweet. Then our conversation goes like this...

Her- I feel like you and him would be a good couple haha. Thats terrible of me to say.

Me- Lol, why is that terrible?

Her- Cause.. Me and him are a couple.. And I'm telling you that you and my boyfriend would be a good couple.

Me- .......oh......
You are a couple now?
When did this happen?

Her- Since Monday.

Me- How did he ask you?

Her- He didn't ask me I asked him what all this meant and he said I think it means we're together now, and I said, I like that.

Me- Aww.
And you are just telling me this now?!

Her- Cuute. And I thought I did tell ou! Haha. Sorry.. I'm trying to keep it on the dl.. He's 22 some people will look at it badly.

Me- Yeah... I could see that.. lol. um so much for not cheating on me.... jokes.

Her- Yea, :) but we're cute together! I think this one might last...

KNIFE IN THE HEART OF MY SOUL.

I can't even handle this right now. I've said that I don't have a jealous bone in my body... as it turns out, my entire soul is made completely out of jealousy. If you have ever wondered where your soul is, get your heart broken and add a stab of jealousy, and that pain you feel... thats where your soul is. Every negative emotion known to humans- I have felt in the last day... Every single one. Anger, hate, jealousy, rage, pain....most of all pain...

I've been on emotional roller coasters before. A fair number of them. But the one this girl has me on right now... tops them all... I'm going to lose it. I HAVE NEVER REALLY LOST IT(came really close once)... but I feel the need to put my head between my knees and grab the barf bag, cause I don't know how much more I can take. It just hurts so bad.

All afternoon I told myself to keep it under control, not to lash out, not to be a bitch... I had to keep my emotions in check, I had to not say anything I would regret.. I could do this... I can cope with this... I can handle this... Then I started talking to her again.. We started talking about him. She said that he was romantic, and she could be herself around him, but she doesn't feel fireworks. I asked her if she has felt fireworks with anyone, she says "Wouldn't you like to know" Dang her and that line... that is MY line... then it all kinda went downhill from there... then I changed my facebook status to "Why do you have to be so frustrating?" She asked if the status was about her... My response? "Wouldn't you like to know." And then this downhill thing just took a dive off a cliff and turned into a free fall... I've told her before that I have a hard time controlling myself around her. My emotions got the better of me. I've reigned them back in but i don't know what to do now.

In any other situation, I could do something... I imagined doing a Julia Roberts/Hugh Grant thing.. I really wanted to. Still want to. Go over to her place, tell her to come to our usual spot, be there, standing in the rain... Tell her I love her, tell her I was stupid, "Choose me. Love me. Let me love you... Because I am so in love with you that it hurts. And I know you love me too... We were meant to be together..." And then just kiss her, like she has never been kissed before... OH, how I just want to... ...but can't. As much as we deny it... I am still her coach, and she is still my player, and I can't be in love with a girl I coach...

If we were in cave man times, I'd go smash Jordan's face in and drag her off to my cave...

If we were in the pacific islands a hundred years ago, I would take every cow I own and go buy her...

If we were in the dark ages, i'd start a war with his country, slay a thousand men, then destroy his home, lastly kill him with my own blade and make off with my prize..

If we were in biblical times, I'd enlist him in the army, send him to the front lines of battle where he would surely be killed, then seduce her...

If it were years ago, I'd annex his land, sell him into slavery and take her as my own...

If we were in the medieval times, I would ride up to Jordan's castle on my black stallion, challenge him to a duel, beat his ass then ride off into the sunset with my girl.

But I can't. And it kills me.

Basically, she is super pissed at me... And i'm still hurt and frustrated and jealous.

Writing helps.

And I guess its my fault... I've never told her how I feel.

Dark, heavy, throbbing pain. .. A tiny, little, minuscule, barely there part of me thinks she is doing this just to make me jealous...

Ugh... I just have to tell myself this is for the best. Especially after... last weekend... I may have crossed some lines... This is what happened-(RD version) she came over to my house to watch rugby, so we watched the game, and then we were just hanging out... I let her braid my hair... I love people playing with my hair, and it happened to be a good day, it was so soft. She asked to see my room. I didn't really want her in my room, it was kind of a mess, im painting my roof, and deep down, I didn't like where it might go... so I deflected, I had my tent set up in my back yard, so I suggested we go out there. We get in the tent and are talking, she asks for a calf massage, so I start giving her one, it turned into a calf/foot massage. I was sitting up, she was laying down in front of me. I pulled her closer so that her legs were around my waist and it turned into a thigh massage. I backed off a little bit, I didn't want it to get out of hand, but then she asks me to do her hamstrings, I do, we start talking and she complains about cramps she gets in her gleuts... I tell her you can massage those too...and then she asks me to do her bum... I hesitate a little bit, but lets be serious, i'm a whore, so I do. Eventually I end up spooning her and I run my fingers across her, just above her jeans...Then she's all "Really...!?...." Like 'did you really just do that' kind of really... But I didn't stop... I hooked my thumb underneath her shirt and ran my hand back down, I swear I felt her shiver and so I ran my whole hand under her shirt, up her stomach to just below her bra.. my hand stayed there for a while, then I realized what I was doing, yanked my hand back, and rolled to the other side of the tent. She had an hour nap and I freaked out and texted Angel. Nothing else happened that night... I drove her home and that was about enough.

Its better that she has a boy right now. It will make her life less complicated... And it takes the pressure off me. This is actually what needs to happen... We need some time apart... She needs someone else to connect with.

Its a damn good thing that im leaving the country in 4 days...

*****UPDATE******
She texted me an apology... at 8:50.... its 10:30... I haven't responded. I don't know what to say... She's sent me 16 texts.
*****Update II***
I texted her back...said I was sorry.. Lied, told her I didnt have my phone with me..

Hate.

I hate that you are the first thing I think about when I wake up.
I hate that you are the only thing on my mind when I try and sleep.
I hate checking my phone every 5 minutes, just to see if you've texted me.
I hate when I don't know what to say to you.
I hate that I can't tell you how I really feel.
I hate the fact that even after im no longer your coach, I probably wont tell you anything.
I hate that I feel bad every time we hug hug for a prolonged moment.
I hate knowing that when you tell me you love me, you mean that you are IN love with me.
I hate telling you I love you, and not knowing if you know what I really mean.
I hate that you are so easy to talk to.
I hate telling you I wont ever leave you, when I know its a lie.
I hate not being able to touch you... not even in my dreams.
I hate that I dream about you.
I hate myself for loving you.
I hate that sometimes I cant help but stare at you.
I hate the way you look at me.
I hate that I have a hard time controlling myself around you. Emotionally AND physically.
I hate when I slip up around you.
I hate the moments where I think I blow my cover.
I hate my jealousy.
I hate that you tease me by putting beautiful pics on facebook.
I hate that we were meant for each other.
I hate that im going to screw this up.
I hate it when you touch me.
I hate you not knowing what you do to me.
I hate the butterflies i get sometimes when I think about you.
I hate that I understand you.
I hate the way my heart skips a beat when you call or text me.
I hate that you are the most beautiful girl i've ever seen.
I hate that you dont think so.
I hate that you think im "gorgeous".
I hate that I want you all to myself.
I hate when you hurt.
I hate that I have ever hurt you.

I hate knowing that one day i'm going to break your heart...

I love you.

I just about died.

So... long story short.. I flirted with Angel's girlfriend. Angel found out. She texted me, told me she hated me... I just about died. I felt so bad about it, legit I threw up cause I felt so bad, and I was scared that she would never talk to me again.

It was kind of silly, like it was barely flirting, but she is very protective of her girl and I knew this, and still. I spent 5 hours feeling the worst I think i have ever felt in my entire life. I apologized profusely and she didn't text me back for hours... Legit I almost died.

She texted me saying that she was at work, and that I shouldn't kill myself. She was mad, but we were still friends... whew.

Catch up... kind of.

Ok. So a bunch of stuff has happened. Too much really for me to catch you up on, and mostly I don't want to really talk about it.

I got home that Sunday night, went to meet her in our usual spot... she was sitting by the fence when I pulled up. I got out of my car, she got up, made like I was gonna tackle hug her, she took a few steps back.. I normal hugged her, hard... We sat around for a while, just talked. I could tell she wasn't handling the whole situation very well. She ended up sitting on the hood of my car, with her knees tucked up to her chest and she asked me to just hold her.. So I did, I wrapped my arms around her and rested my head on hers, and just stood there. Any conversation we had that night was awkward and abrupt, I really didn't know what to say to her, there were a lot of pauses.

And that's the way our relationship continued for a while. I never really knew what to say, so I usually didn't say much, we went three weeks without seeing each other. She got sick and stressed. And then some crap happened. I'm not going to get into it..

Anyway, I find out that she is working with one of my friends from high school and they have hit it off, and they started talking about me, and they decided that we really needed to all hang out. So... we did. And the thing about Tino(Christina)is she brings out the crazy in me. And usually im calm and responsible, and reserved around Courtney, very much the appropriate, adult type role model, but that night we had conversations, it was really relaxed and it got inappropriate. Not inappropriate-inappropriate, but given our relationship, it was... I'm still her coach. Tino wasnt sure whether or not I knew she was lez, so we had that conversation, lol. Then she told me she was surprised that I wasn't gay... awkward moment, then Courtney tells me that when she first met me, she thought I was lesbian... Apparently I give off that vibe. We started talking about sexuality and ratios and how it sat on a spectrum. some people are 100% straight, some people are like 60-40, you know and we were trying to determine what we were, and as much as I know I'm not 80-20, this is what I claimed to be...

Anyway, this was the first time that Courtney has seen me in a social situation... and I don't know how I feel about this... Its made us closer... Which is good and bad...

The Cliff

Standing on the edge of a cliff, peering over the edge. My foot nudges a loose stone and I watch it tumble down the rocky, sandy slope. It soon falls out of my sight, but I can still hear it as it goes. There is a slight breeze; enough to dry the sweat that's formed across my nose, but not enough to blow away the almost musical sound of the rock falling, taking other rocks as it goes. Forever changing the cliff face. 10.5 seconds, then silence. Almost imperceptible, to those who did not see it go. But I know. I saw it, I caused it. My muscles still shaky from the long, steep climb up, my mind wanders back to the sign on the path, a warning to stay away from the edge... I decide to sit for a while, lean over the edge a little farther. Something I did not trust myself enough to do while on my feet. The view is wonderful. New and only slightly different from the peaks and valleys I'm used to. I wish I had my camera. I pick up a rock and throw it as far as I can. It takes only 5 seconds to hit the ground. I see where it lands, it seems closer than it should. But at the same time...far enough. As I pick rocks out of the dirt im sitting in, more and more I think how unstable it is, how it could give away at any moment. Especially if I keep taking rocks and hurling them off the cliff. I get up and walk away.

Its funny... the things you tell yourself...

So, today marks the end of the weird week... she is coming home today. And I'm going home too. And its kind of a call back to reality. I've been out in the mountains for the last little while, so... we were both away from home, away from our friends, family... we have had some deep conversations, and we have both said things...

I fooled myself onto thinking that it changed things. In my stupid head, I envisioned this new relationship between us, but thinking about it, it might just make thing weird. I'm actually kind of scared to see her. It was nice this week... just talking. I was there for her, and I'm pretty sure I was the only one... but now that she's home, things are just going to go back to the way it was. Which is probably best. I forgot about life. For the last week, all it has been is her. But it can't be like that. Ugh, this hurts. But its going to be the way it should be.

Im just gonna hurt her...

This week has been really weird. She went back to Ontario to visit her mom. She doesn't like her mom, but doesn't want to disappoint her. She's been kinda depressed since she left. I've been texting her as much as I can, trying to be supportive... for the first couple of days I only got one word responses, if I got a response at all. Yesterday and today have been better... she called me today, we talked on the phone for almost an hour...

Anyway... this got me thinking, because of a few things she said, Im just gonna end up hurting her... that's all I can think about. I can't....

Ugh. I am working to be there for her, to be what she needs... but... as much as I want her now, i know that it won't last... I don't want to hurt her. I'll end up leaving her, just like everyone else.

Why do I do this?

Be careful what you wish for...

Ok, so legit- this has been driving me nuts. I thought "If I just knew whether or not she was interested in me, it would just make everything better" ... Yeah, well, knowing... Didn't make it better...


So a week ago, she texts me saying she wanted to work on her drop kicks. I can't refuse an invitation to rugby so, I met up with her, it was early evening, and it was still really hot out, so we didn't exactly work hard, but we were out there kicking... and this is the first time I had spent any one-on-one rugby time with her in a really long time... And I was sucking it up. 90% of the kicks I made didn't go where I wanted them to, it was just embarrassing... She is a huge distraction, and its unbelievable how much it affected my game. A few times she was like "Really?" When I tried to kick it back to her and it went way off, she asked me what was wrong with me. Half joking I told her she was distracting me... ugh

After a while we just ended up sitting on the grass and talking. She starts throwing grass at me, trying to get a reaction, and im not one to back down, so I throw it back... long story short I end up destroying her. Again... I think she likes it.

Anyway, she asks me to crack her back, and I tell her I would, so I get up, cause I assume she wants it done standing cause it works better that way, but she lies out on the grass, face down. It didn't really matter to me, so I crack her back, and because I happen to be in that position, I start giving her a little massage, her back is sooo tight. All the time. She was wearing a loose, reversible basketball jersey, and it was aggravating because it was really slippery, she could tell it was ticking me off so she suggested I just lift it up.... I caved and ran my hands along her bare back... This didn't last long. I decided it was getting late and that we should go.

We walked back to my car and we stopped and chatted for a bit. Then this car drove past and it only had one headlight(If you aren't familiar with the game, look it up We call it 'Piddidle') she sees this, and calls SEX! I hadn't played this game for years, so it didn't even occur to me, but she called it, so I lost. And the penalty for losing is you must remove an article of clothing... So she joking(?)ly told me to take off my shirt. Now, again, im not a poor loser, and I abide the rules of the game, AND I happened to have a tanktop on, so I took off my shirt, threw it on the ground. It was kind of a funny moment, because I swear she blushed, but then she proceeded to pick up my shirt and put it on. She tried to run away, but I wasn't going home without my shirt, So I grabbed her and put her in a hold, until she agreed to give me my shirt back. So, half let her go, cause lets be serious, I'm not gonna trust that, so I have her, she is facing away from me, and I wait for her to take it off, but instead she just raises her arms and waits for me to take it off her. Semi-inappropriate? Yes. Totally HOT? Oh YES. There is almost nothing that tops the feeling of sliding clothes off someone you like... Ok.. very inappropriate.

After that we both went home, but continued to text. She sends me a text that says this- "What would you say if I just came out and told you I was a lesbian?" Wow, this text kinda shocked me... You don't just say stuff like that. I answered her, mostly honestly, let her know I was safe to talk to... but then I got ballsy and asked her the same thing. To which she replied "I'd be like... Bro... I thought you liked the male genitalia... But then I'd be like... Huh..I'm up for exploring.... ;)"

And there I had it. A kind of answer to my question... But it didn't make me feel better, it just opened up a whole new gate of problems... UGH FML.

I've been doing better though... It was brought to my attention that I was "Pussy Whipped" so I have been trying to stop. Last Thursday she wanted to hang out, but I had plans to go to a party. Usually I woulda ditched the party to go see her, but, Be proud of me! I didn't... And We haven't talked all weekend (Cause she's been camping and out of cell phone range, but thats beside the point.) (I miss her...)

Confession Time

So... Confession time? Yeah. I would ask you not to judge, but I know you are going to and I know I am weak and yeah...

So remember that girl from my team? The straight one? That would hit on me, and sent me hott pictures... Yeah. I ......don't know

In the beginning, I told her we couldn't be friend-friends, cause it would ruin our coach-player relationship. I put a limit on the number of texts she was allowed to send me, she wasn't allowed to call me, except if it was concerning rugby, or she was in some kind of trouble. This worked out for a little while. Then her sort-of-boyfriend and her best friend hooked up, and she had kind of a melt-down, she came to me, and I wasn't about to turn her away, then her mom was being a real bitch to her and again, she came to me. All I wanted to do is be there for her... so I still said that we weren't friends, but she would sneak out to see me, i'd meet her in her back alley and we would talk. I bribed her with food to do something she needed to do, so one night, I had to make good on the bribe and brought her food, so we had a little picnic.

We started texting more, totally ignoring my limits. She would talk about everything, we would flirt constantly. I turned on my charm, wrote her some beautiful texts... I just loved talking to her.

She has huge physical space/proximity/touching issues, and she kind of decided to use me to get over them because I don't have a personal bubble. It just started with hugging. But when I hug her, I pick her up, and she wraps her legs around me... these hugs got longer. I few times she told me to carry her somewhere, and I would make a snide remark about not being her horse. One time, I had her in my arms and she said something to me, she pulled back a little so I could look at her, and because i'm weak, and have a huge issue controlling myself, I slipped and Eskimo kissed her chin. It was a split second, but my head then proceeded a mile a minute, just getting angry with my stupid body. (For those of you that don't know what an Eskimo kiss is- its when two people touch/rub noses. Its super cute, so I touched her chin with my nose) She kinda had a "what-was-that?-moment" and I denied I even did anything. But she didn't let go.

Another time, she was being a little brat, and my go-to reaction is to be physically intimidating.. So I got in her face, and she kept backing up. I backed her right into my car, so I had her pinned against my car, all up in her face, but I got too close and my heart just melted, and had the stupidest idea ever, instead of beating her down, I was just going to make her really uncomfortable... cause she has this whole physical boundaries thing... So I have her against the car, my hip putting pressure on her so she can't move, and just lean in. This is the point that my head gets a hold of itself, and I immediately back off, she takes this as a sign that she won, so she starts beaking again... Now, I can't have that... So im right back on her. I've got her against my passenger side door and the window is open, so I just slide my arms around her, not even really touching her. She has a mini-freak-out, but settles, so I take it a step further and gently brush my hands across her back,(doing this makes me feel kinda weak in the knees) she starts kinda hyperventilating, but she still won't give so I full on wrap my one arm around her and start stroking her back, (when I do this, it feels like someone put their hands in my chest, one hand gripping my spine, the other hand gripping my heart, and I tense up, im losing at my own game cause im so turned on...) but luckily, this she can't handle and she whispers "you win". I let her go and back off so fast...

We had a conversation about her giving herself piercings, but it not working out sometimes because of infection, and this is my job yo, so I offer to sterilize some things, so she doesn't get an infection next time she tries, with the condition that I get to watch her do it, cause i'm morbid and like to see people stab themselves... So I got her the stuff, went over to her house.. and she's decided to do her belly button. So, we are in her bathroom, and she tells me she needs help, it requires more than two hands. So she is sitting on the toilet im kneeling infront of her, my hands on her nice abs, her shirt is half off... ugh, I hate my life.

I was having kind of a crap day and so was she, so I went on one of my midnight runs around the university lake, I told her I was going, and she 'happens' to run into me there. We sit on a bench and talk about our days. I just off to one side, and she sits off to the other, and we just talk. It was a beautiful night, and we were out there for a while, I put my arm up on the back of the bench, the very end of my finger tips are about an inch from her shoulder, she watched this motion, then looked at my hand- I apologized if it made her uncomfortable, and I took my arm down and moved to the very edge of the bench. She said it was ok, "I like it when you push my boundaries" and she slid over to the middle of the bench and told me I could put my arm up again.... so I did. She inched over a little more so my thumb was resting on her back. I didn't move. My heart skipped a beat. She moved a little closer, took my hand off the back of the bench and put it on her shoulder. I tensed up a little, she asked me if it made me uncomfortable, I lied, but two can play this game... I started rubbing her shoulder with my hand, this made her hesitate, but not for long. She moved closer so that there was just an inch between us. I looked at the gap and asked her why she was so far away. Then she cuddled right up to me, she even decided to put her head on my shoulder. There was that spine-heart-gripping feeling again.. I rested my head on her head, and she goes "Oh, why did you have to do that?" to which I reply "Why? Does it make up uncomfortable??" "No," then she got a little more comfortable got right in my nook. I swear my heart stopped, but I wasn't going to be the one that lost... We stayed there for a while until it was a mutual decision that it was getting late, and then I walked her to my car a couple blocks away and I drove her home.

She was the last person I saw before I went to Vancouver, I was just about to leave when she texts me telling me she had this really bad cough and she would kill for some buckleys right now... I happened to have some, so I took her a bottle. She was the only person from back home I texted the whole time I was out there, and she called me once. And she was the first person I saw when I got back... I was driving home, and she sent me this text "OMG Youre coming HOME!" I brought her sand back from the coast, and she had made me an anklet while I was gone.

Last weekend we had a 7s tournament in Med hat. It went really well, we got silver, but besides that, everyone else's parents came to watch, so they all had rides home, this girls aunt, didn't care much for rugby, so I drove her the 2 hours home. At first I freaked out and texted Angel a couple of times, violating my no texting her rule, but it turned out to be a nice drive. She was reading a magazine and I glanced over at an article about gay teens, the perfect opportunity to feel her out, so we started talking about it... I got the impression that she is still totally straight.

Sunday rolls around and we are texting. She calls me out on not wanting to be friends, she accuses me of not really liking her, and not talking to her cause I "think its wrong" we talk and
I say "No, its not that, I enjoy you."

She responds with this "But you don't want to enjoy me. You don't like that your heart likes me. ;)"

Me: "My brain and my heart have never really been friends..."

Her; "Your brain doesn't agree with your heart. Lol. I know. I can see it. ;)"

Me; "Yeah, i'm just waiting for one of them to win."

Her: "Haha, its funny. I can tell when your brains winning. And I can tell when your hearts winning."

This kinda put me on edge. I don't know how serious she was being, or what she meant by it... But impulse decision I kinda broke up with her. I freaked out. Cause thats what I do. Serious or not, she was getting too close... then she got all hurt... I can't stand to see her hurt, so I freaked out again, AT her. I don't remember what all was said... but it got serious. ... I told her I needed her. We fought for like 2 hours... In the end, I was begging for forgiveness, and yeah... We decided to screw this whole, coach thing, cause i'm a hypocrite and don't act like it anyway, so we decided to be real friends... UGH. What the HELL am I DOING!?!?

Later, she tells me she doesn't really remember most of this cause of her concussion...


.....................


There are times, that I am convinced she is totally straight. And we are just friends. She had a rough childhood, lives with her aunt that doesn't really do a whole lot for her, so she latched on to me cause I showed her I genuinely care about her. She has told me on a number of occasions that she feels like we just mesh. She talks to me about boys and stuff. And it feels like thats what our relationship is, im the cool big sister that she never had...

But then, there are times... She tells me that she wishes I was I guy. There are emotional lashing out type responses to every time we hang out... We have a picnic in her back alley, I leave and she goes and gets stoned. I help her pierce her belly button, I leave and she cuts her finger really bad(on purpose), I drive her home from rugby, we have a two hour conversation, I leave and she goes and screws around with some guy she works with... Its like every time we do something, she bottles up something and as soon as I leave, she lashes out... Maybe I read to much into it. I think she doesn't really know yet... she's figuring it out..

I just ruin lives and cause pain.

So Pretty much, thats all I do, is cause people pain.

I thought it would be a good idea, fun even, to meet up with Angel and Jo. We are over each other, and we are mature enough to be friends, and since we were never really "a thing" she isn't really my ex, so I thought it would just be cool.

I forgot for a moment that Lesbians are crazy.

I have to hand it to Jo, she handled me like a champ... too bad she took it out on Angel though.

This is where things get sticky. To Jo- i'm "the other girl"... I make her jealous. I never meant to. I did everything in my power, aside from staying away, to make her not feel jealous... I didn't shower, didn't even brush my teeth, I showed up to breakfast in baggy shorts and an old rugby t-shirt, no make-up, no sleep, I looked like crap. I didn't pay any more attention than was required to Angel... And still, Jo was jealous, even though she KNOWS there is nothing between us.

A part of me really wanted to be friends with Jo, cause she is official the second real person that knows about me. Ugh, it was just so nice being around them, knowing that they knew, it just took a huge weight off me. I felt like I could just be myself around them. I didn't have to worry really about KT picking up on anything cause they understood, and she is just oblivious to stuff like that... Maybe I am being selfish wanting to be friends with Angel... |Its just nice to have someone to talk to about this stuff.

Its funny, I told KT that I knew Angel through rugby, lie, and that at one point in time Angel had a little crush on me, AND that Angel's girlfriend might beat me up cause she might be jealous... I suggested that KT pretend to be my girlfriend, just so Jo would be less jealous, but that might be a little tricky... So I decided against it. In retrospect, I almost wish I had gotten her to play along. Or I wish she didn't come along at all... Then we couldve talked openly about things... Oh well, whats done is done.

The hug killed me. WHY?! She didn't hug me when we first met, why should she hug me now? It was like watching someone stab Jo in the heart and twist the knife. I really felt bad. And apparently Jo is the jealous type, which, in small doses is kinda hot, but not this time...

I didn't really realize it but throughout the weekend, I had become "The Other Girl" ... KT and Claudia told me a few times to just stop texting Angel, but, I wouldn't listen... I just kept on texting her, I found out later that her and Jo had a pretty nasty fight. This made me feel worse about this whole thing, cause it was my fault. I should never have come. I should never had met up with them, i'm just a home wrecker.

Did this stop me? Oh, not really. Cause Angel was upset, she called me. We talked for two and a half hours... mostly about Jo. They love each other, I know this, and Jo shouldn't have to deal with me, its not fair. They need each other really... So, I was trying to make her understand that we couldn't really be friends, cause it hurt her girlfriend, and Jo is infinitely more important than I. She hated this, and didnt really get it, but she resolved to work things out with Jo.

A few days later, after I got home I was talking to her and Jo called, I kept telling her to not tell Jo when we were texting and talking, but she didn't listen, And every time she told Jo that it was me talking to her or texting her, I felt guilty. I knew she didn't like it, but she put up with it cause she respected Angel, so kudos to her. But I was done hurting her... I blocked Angel on facebook. She asked me if I was mad, and I said I was just helping her make a decision. I told her we should stop texting so much. It didn't have to be a goodbye, but I just needed to back off, and thats what I did. For the second time, I hurt Angel, said a sort of good bye... Im such a douche bag.

And its not really good bye, I don't want to lose her as a friend. I just don't know what I should do.

Vancouver.... Sorry, its a novel.

Canada Day weekend... Maybe it was a good idea, maybe it was the worst idea ever...

The judge is still out on that one... Cause it was soo fun... but there was just something...

I drove out there with my best bud KT. Its such a beautiful drive, I love the mountains. Now, KT used to be a roommate of mine, and she's one of my best closest friends... and she doesn't have a clue about me. But, I guess thats valid cause *I* don't really have a clue about me... But her Gaydar sucks. I have examples, but I won't get into it... now...

A fair amount of time driving(when not conversing with KT) was spent with me thinking how easy this couldve been, just to come out for a weekend, or a day, or something to see Angel.

So, we get into town, we're staying with some friends downtown, ironically enough they live just off Davies... For those who don't know, thats the gay district. Little did we know that this weekend was going to be a gay-fest... Day 1, Claudia comes out and takes us to breakfast at this little place on Davies, so good. And we were constantly surrounded by the most flamboyant guys and most stereotypical chicks, it was almost funny. The owner guy of this place walked and talked the walk and talk, and there were a couple of chicks that looked bikerish, with half mohawks making out on the street... oh man. And then we decided to play "Who's Gay" Claudia, the expert, me, the pro and....KT... who lost... a lot.

Later that day we went for a 6 hour walk around Vancouver, saw the sights, had some fun. We stopped to watch the parade with its obligatory Gay Pride portion. And then the fireworks, we went out to the beach and watched, from some distance away, but they were still pretty good... it was no Thunder in the Valley, but it was good. The whole time I was out there all I wanted was someone to be with... Fireworks make me lonely...

Anyway... to catch you up, Angel and I have be talking. Thats a story on its own, but all you need to know is we talk. Anyway, we talked about me coming out there, and she invited us out for dinner, but that fell through, so we ended up going for breakfast Saturday morning. On the way there, I got kind of nervous...

Angel got there first, then KT and I showed up, I walked in, she sees me before I see her... She calls my name and I recognize her voice, I turn and see her, she looks exactly like her pictures. So cute. We got our table, and we waited for her girlfriend, who was a few minutes late. We sat there at the table, kind of making small talk, then Angel looks and tells me that Jo(her girlfriend) is here.. I turn around and get my first actual look... I had seen a picture, but it didn't really do her justice. She was a lot taller than I had expected, her legs were mmm. And she has gorgeous eyes... But im not allowed to talk about her, cause im sure Angel will read this eventually...

So, breakfast went really well, Jo was totally cool, and under different circumstance, im sure we wouldve been friends... I tried, and she put forth a solid effort, but I made her uncomfortable, and a little jealous. She would never admit it, nor would she say anything, but I could tell. Anyway, it was great, and we go to leave, and we are saying goodbye, and out of nowhere, Angel decides to hug me. Wrong choice... It was like one of those slow motion moments when you realize someone is about to do something really stupid... I saw the look on Jo's face, and it killed me. Curse my uncontrollable empathy. But before I could stop it, she was hugging me. A part of me wishes I stopped it, I coulda straight armed her, or SOMETHING... But it happened, and I promptly booked it out of there, but not before hearing Jo get a lil upset. I didn't think much of it, cause there was nothing really between us, and therefore- nothing to be jealous of.

Later we ended up going to dinner with KT's lesbian friends. Cute couple. Over dinner we were talking and they asked KT if she was ok with gay men. To which KT replied that if she was ok with Gay women, she was ok with gay men, then she asked why. And they told her that one of her friends had come out to them, and they just wanted to know if she was safe. KT, Ms. HorribleGaydar, had no clue who it could be. I called it and I wasn't even really friends with the guy. Which in retrospect, I kinda outted him, but KT's safe, so I don't really feel bad.

All in all I had a fetching great time. It was so nice... just to be around people that accept that. And thats the end of this part, I'm breaking the explanation of the weekend up, cause this is too long already... and i've soo much more to say.

Sorry...its been a while.

So... its been like 4 months since I've posted. Sorry. To catch up, I kept sort of dating that guy until mid-February. We took a vacation down to echo, and I think that when it all came to a point... You don't need the dirtty details, but we ended up breaking up. Which was fine by me cause Rugby was starting up and I wouldn't have time for him anyway.

We've been broken up for about 3 months so far, and i've only spent about a day missing him. This shouldn't surprise you, I am a heartless wench.

SO. Rugby started and life is exactly the way it should be! I missed coaching SOOOO bad. Its been two years. And I will say this, a lot of things have changed in the last two years. The school I used to coach for had a lot of religious students in it, it wasn't a religious school, it was just the way it way, and being such, our team was exceptionally well behaved, and there were only a few little creepers on it....

The school I coach for now is a little bit of a rougher school, and my team is full of little creepers... I don't know about you, but when I played sports, my coaches were untouchable. What they said was law, they had our utmost respect and we never got closer than was appropriate... Kids these days... have no idea how that goes. They have almost no sense of personal/professional boundries.

For the first couple of weeks I turned on 'The Coach' I was intimidating. I scared every single one of those girls. Then after I figured they had been sufficiently scared so I loosened up ever so slightly, they took this as an invitation to get all creepy... and gradually, it just creepier and creepier. It started out that most of the girls started hitting on me, it freaked me out, but then I realized that they hit on anything that moved.

It calmed down mostly, except out of this one girl... It started with her cracking her finger at practice, I took her to get some ice, it was our first real conversation, I got her phone number and sent her to the hospital with her aunt. I called her later than night make sure she was ok. Simple, totally innocent and coach appropriate.

About a week later I missed practice because of a meeting, and one of the other coaches ran the practice until i got there. And because im a closet control freak, after practice I messaged some girls, asked how practice went, and she was one of the girls I happened to ask... Apparently she had a crap practice because the other coach had told her that she was annoying. Then we had a little chat about her low self-esteem. As a coach, its my belief that you should never say anything negative to any of your players. So I spent a little time talking to her. Still, totally coach appropriate.

She messages me a few days later and we got to talking... she has a lot of self esteem issues, most of which I relate to, but she really opened up to me. It made me more of a friend than a coach... and this is where it starts to cross the line.

She cracked her shoulder real good, and had me take a look at it, and im well versed in shoulders so, I tape it, and I help her with movement and stetching and exercises, we ended up spending more time together.

We had a rugby bonding party and we went out to play buggers and she started trash talkin me, so I threw it back, then she jumped me. Which was funny cause she didn't even make me miss a step. next thing she knew, I was on top of her, she was face down eating dirt and i had her arms pinned under my knees and her legs in my arms. Huge loss. She conceeded defeat, but tried again a little while later, she got my back wrapped herself around me and koala hugged me. I made the mistake of back dropping her onto the ground, it totally winded her and I put all my weight on her, but she wouldn't let go, we had to call it a tie. she couldn't breathe, but she wouldn't let go.

She took that wrestling as an ok to be more physical in our relationship. Also, it was the beginning of her texting. She texted me almost everyday, mostly about rugby stuff, but sometimes it was more personal. She flirted a lot. And because i'm a whore, I didn't stop it when I should've.

Then the sexting started. This is when I said something. And it stopped for a while, but it changed the way she was at practice, the way she played... so we had another talk, and it got better. But at the same time, I will admit I like it. She is pretty... but that crosses EVERY line. Its so wrong, I don't approve. The age gap, the position of authority, the ....everything.

But then she sends me these- See the thing is- It was drawn by another girl on our team. And it is actually really good...




And she is hot. What the Hell am I supposed to do? FML.
Nothing is ever going to happen, cause i'm morally objected to it, and she is obviously straight. It just sucks

So....I'm a mess?

Its official I think. I'm a mess. A complete, screwed up, mess of a human being. I had my suspicions before...they are all but confirmed now.

I suppose you are wondering what i'm referring to.

I'd say its a long story, but you are half way there anyway so I might as well dish.

As a side note, I guess I should change the title of this blog to 'Diary of a closet Bi.'

Sooo. A few months ago I started hanging out with this guy. I was kind of attracted to him. We were(are?) kind of made for each other. Before I knew it, we were in some kind of relationship... Not really really sure what kind, but we were totally cuddle buddies and whenever we went out, he paid. So... we were dating? This went on for a while, and it was kind of driving me nuts, not knowing. So. I initiated a lil DTR(Define the Relationship), ps I hate doing that. And we discussed it and came to the conclusion that we were friends, with cuddling privileges. And I was fine with that cause he was(is?) planning on leaving soon.

About a week passed and one night I drove him home and he lingered in my car, and made some not so subtle hints that he wanted to kiss me. I panicked cause I wasn't prepared, I thought we were friends, what was he doing trying to kiss me? So I kicked him out of my car and drove off... Smooth.

We hung out all week, we both pretended like it hadn't happened, which was fine by me. But then he tried again, and he didn't exactly leave the ball in my court with it either. So we kissed. Which spawned another DTR, cause apparently we missed something first time around. We talked about it and decided we didn't want to get serious...

Whatever the hell that means...

A few days later we ended up kissing again. WTF?! Make up your mind. Apparently im a fantastic kisser and he just can't get enough.

SO. At this point in time, yu are probably thinking 'Whats the problem?'

And the problem is this-The whole time we were dating and not kissing, I was pretty sure I was falling for him. Then he kissed me. He is a great kisser. And oh, I could do that forever! BUT now... im not so sure. I can tell he likes me. Really likes me. And Im not sure how I feel about that. See... I'm allowed to like him, but he isn't allowed to like me... so now im fault finding and avoiding him and being totally cruel to him, (maybe) in an attempt to make him stop it...

And if you recall it was kind of that same thing with that girl. She wasn't allowed to love me. No one is. So i'm ruining it. A part of me sees what im doing and wants to stop, another part of me sees it and doesn't care, the last part of me doesn't see it AND doesn't care. I'm not sure what to do. Cause i'm a horrible screwed up mess.