Problem

So... life is ....crap. Well, its not really life... *I* am crap. Which is to say, im an idiot. I read my last post, and... i dont even know.. its not like she belongs to me. Or ever will.

I really needed to get away. I got out of the country, and was having the time of my life, and still, all I could think about was her. She texted me everyday. I had to make a conscious effort to keep my mind busy, and off her, but every time I stopped, there she was.

The night I came home, I went straight over to her house, she was waiting outside for me, I jumped out of my car, ran over to her her and she jumped into my arms. Ugh, she felt so good. I just held her, her legs wrapped around my waist, clinging to me, I couldn't get enough of her, I never wanted to let her go. But then Tina showed up. She came down for the weekend, and I was happy to see her, but that meant I had to put Court down... It was a lil chilly so we climbed in the back of Tina's truck, Court Sat right in the middle, I sat right next to her. As a reflex, I went to put my arm around her, but stopped myself and just put my hand on the back of the seat. I wanted so bad to touch her, it was all I could do to keep my hands off her... I did fail a few times.. I let my arm slip down around her back and held on to her for a bit, but moved the second I got a hold of myself... I spent sometime running my fingers through her hair... cause... friends do that ... right?

Tina ended up leaving a bit later, leaving myself and Court alone, we talked, I brought her back a Necklace from NZ, so I put that on her. Hugged her for a long time... not nearly long enough. She told me to go to bed. I wasn't tired. She pretty much sent me home. Which was probably a good thing...



I'm in trouble. I'm kind of addicted to her. And I can't let her know, and I have to find some way to kick this addiction without hurting her. Fleeing the country didn't work at all. I envision these conversations where I would just tell her everything... but I cant. She wants to know why I pushed the coach/player issue- Not because we cant be friends, but because I was attracted to her, and I could already see myself slipping. She wants to know why I put a limit on how many texts we can send per day- Because I was afraid of getting attached to her. She wants to know why I flipped out that one day, when I sort of broke up with her- That day she told me that she could tell when my head was winning, and when my heart was winning. I thought she knew. She wants to know why I was a total bitch to her the day she told me she was dating Jordan- I couldn't control my jealousy, no matter how hard I tried. She wants to know why i'm acting weird- I have difficulty controlling myself around her... I've almost kissed her like 6 times, and i've wanted to kiss her like 1000...I just want to hold her, and never let go... I want to fall asleep beside her, I want to run my hands all over her, I just want to breathe her in..

I need to back it off... but im in too deep and I don't know how, and I can't get her out of my head.

I can't be in love with a 16 year old...