So...what's really fair?

I really needed this weekend. It definitely gave me some perspective, deeper understanding...

It was Tina's birthday this weekend, so James and I went up to Edmonton for the weekend. I'm not going to lie, I was kinda nervous for the weekend. For a few reasons. Tina was having a party, I was kinda scared I wouldn't fit in... I don't drink, I don't smoke, and my dancing skills are a little sub-par... And I was afraid that my social skills would be a little rusty cause the whole depression/anti social thing has made them so. And then we were going to go out to a gay bar, and i've only been out dancing at a club a couple of times, but we were always there early and left early, and not everyone I was with liked dancing, so I always had an out if I didn't feel like making an idiot out of myself. That, and I wasn't really sure what to do with James... I mean, we've kinda been friends for years, but i've never really hung out with him, and ...i dunno... the whole idea of the weekend kinda put me on edge.

It was kinda silly to be nervous. I keep forgetting how Tina makes me feel. There is something about her that makes me feel at ease, and totally comfortable. She gets inside my walls without even trying, and once shes in, I don't even mind her being there. I've met VERY few people that have such an effect on me... actually she might be the only one... Now don't get me wrong, I'm not in love with her, this is something that has nothing to do with love or sex. Its pure friendship and respect. Anyway, from the moment I walked in the door I felt better.

We decorated for the party a bit and decided to go out for sushi with her roommate and some of her friends. Who all happen to be gay guys. It was cool, they were all really nice and totally cool people. The party was awesome, minus the drinking and stuff, the dancing was great and I got to know a bunch of people. It was sweet.

At about 3am, we decided to go for breakfast. Tina was pretty gone, and we had a litle bathroom party, you know how girls do. And we talked a little bit about my ratio... I always held to my 80-20 ratio, but I brought it up and told her it was more like 55-45... I'm kinda pathetic. I can't bring myself to tell her except when im certain she wont remember...

So we went home... and I happen to share her bed with her. We joked about it all the time, i'm a big spoon, she's a little spoon.. I'm a cuddle slut... So I spooned her pretty much all night, I'm not going into detail. But we spent the weekend talking and bonding... I loved it. But it made me realize something-

I cannot live like that. (This is the opposite of what you expected isn't it) It's something I can't accept about myself. Don't get me wrong, it felt good. Tina is so hot, and comfortable, and ugh, she knows exactly how to touch me, and she defs made my heart skip a couple times, and I'm not gonna lie, I thought about it... But, We talked about how she figured it out, who she told, people's reactions, and that's not what did it, I could care less about what people think, its me that I have to live with... the thing is... She told me about the first time she kissed a girl and how good it was, how much better it was than kissing boys. Which is why I can never kiss a girl. Its the bakery bun principle...

If you aren't familiar with the bakery bun principle, it is this- Ignorance is bliss. If you don't know any better, you can be happily satisfied with what you have. You can go your whole life eating store bought buns and be happy about it... but once you have fresh bakery buns, anything that is not bakery bun isn't good enough. It ruins you. ...right now, I'm ok with kissing boys. ..well... boy. It took me 24 years to find a boy that I actually liked kissing... but the point is, I could be happy with him. Unless I kiss a girl and there is magic and fireworks.. and ruins it for me.

So I guess here is the thing. This isn't fair for anyone. I'm not sure I can be with a guy, cause in the back of my mind, i'll always check out women, and wonder. BUT, I can't be with a girl because I can't let myself. My religion, my family, my friends and my own head stand in the way. Even if I do let myself fall for a girl, and get a girlfriend, I won't ever be what she needs, and I won't ever let her all the way into my life, she won't ever be entirely what I want, I can't see myself growing old with a woman, I want kids... And its def not fair for me... I'm kinda stuck.

But to the point, I kinda came to a decision. No girls. I won't ruin myself. I still have a choice right now, I'm not ruined yet, and i'm choosing to be straight. Its not being closed minded. This is a trial, and one that I will overcome. I don't have anything against gays. Its just not for me.