Confession Time

So... Confession time? Yeah. I would ask you not to judge, but I know you are going to and I know I am weak and yeah...

So remember that girl from my team? The straight one? That would hit on me, and sent me hott pictures... Yeah. I ......don't know

In the beginning, I told her we couldn't be friend-friends, cause it would ruin our coach-player relationship. I put a limit on the number of texts she was allowed to send me, she wasn't allowed to call me, except if it was concerning rugby, or she was in some kind of trouble. This worked out for a little while. Then her sort-of-boyfriend and her best friend hooked up, and she had kind of a melt-down, she came to me, and I wasn't about to turn her away, then her mom was being a real bitch to her and again, she came to me. All I wanted to do is be there for her... so I still said that we weren't friends, but she would sneak out to see me, i'd meet her in her back alley and we would talk. I bribed her with food to do something she needed to do, so one night, I had to make good on the bribe and brought her food, so we had a little picnic.

We started texting more, totally ignoring my limits. She would talk about everything, we would flirt constantly. I turned on my charm, wrote her some beautiful texts... I just loved talking to her.

She has huge physical space/proximity/touching issues, and she kind of decided to use me to get over them because I don't have a personal bubble. It just started with hugging. But when I hug her, I pick her up, and she wraps her legs around me... these hugs got longer. I few times she told me to carry her somewhere, and I would make a snide remark about not being her horse. One time, I had her in my arms and she said something to me, she pulled back a little so I could look at her, and because i'm weak, and have a huge issue controlling myself, I slipped and Eskimo kissed her chin. It was a split second, but my head then proceeded a mile a minute, just getting angry with my stupid body. (For those of you that don't know what an Eskimo kiss is- its when two people touch/rub noses. Its super cute, so I touched her chin with my nose) She kinda had a "what-was-that?-moment" and I denied I even did anything. But she didn't let go.

Another time, she was being a little brat, and my go-to reaction is to be physically intimidating.. So I got in her face, and she kept backing up. I backed her right into my car, so I had her pinned against my car, all up in her face, but I got too close and my heart just melted, and had the stupidest idea ever, instead of beating her down, I was just going to make her really uncomfortable... cause she has this whole physical boundaries thing... So I have her against the car, my hip putting pressure on her so she can't move, and just lean in. This is the point that my head gets a hold of itself, and I immediately back off, she takes this as a sign that she won, so she starts beaking again... Now, I can't have that... So im right back on her. I've got her against my passenger side door and the window is open, so I just slide my arms around her, not even really touching her. She has a mini-freak-out, but settles, so I take it a step further and gently brush my hands across her back,(doing this makes me feel kinda weak in the knees) she starts kinda hyperventilating, but she still won't give so I full on wrap my one arm around her and start stroking her back, (when I do this, it feels like someone put their hands in my chest, one hand gripping my spine, the other hand gripping my heart, and I tense up, im losing at my own game cause im so turned on...) but luckily, this she can't handle and she whispers "you win". I let her go and back off so fast...

We had a conversation about her giving herself piercings, but it not working out sometimes because of infection, and this is my job yo, so I offer to sterilize some things, so she doesn't get an infection next time she tries, with the condition that I get to watch her do it, cause i'm morbid and like to see people stab themselves... So I got her the stuff, went over to her house.. and she's decided to do her belly button. So, we are in her bathroom, and she tells me she needs help, it requires more than two hands. So she is sitting on the toilet im kneeling infront of her, my hands on her nice abs, her shirt is half off... ugh, I hate my life.

I was having kind of a crap day and so was she, so I went on one of my midnight runs around the university lake, I told her I was going, and she 'happens' to run into me there. We sit on a bench and talk about our days. I just off to one side, and she sits off to the other, and we just talk. It was a beautiful night, and we were out there for a while, I put my arm up on the back of the bench, the very end of my finger tips are about an inch from her shoulder, she watched this motion, then looked at my hand- I apologized if it made her uncomfortable, and I took my arm down and moved to the very edge of the bench. She said it was ok, "I like it when you push my boundaries" and she slid over to the middle of the bench and told me I could put my arm up again.... so I did. She inched over a little more so my thumb was resting on her back. I didn't move. My heart skipped a beat. She moved a little closer, took my hand off the back of the bench and put it on her shoulder. I tensed up a little, she asked me if it made me uncomfortable, I lied, but two can play this game... I started rubbing her shoulder with my hand, this made her hesitate, but not for long. She moved closer so that there was just an inch between us. I looked at the gap and asked her why she was so far away. Then she cuddled right up to me, she even decided to put her head on my shoulder. There was that spine-heart-gripping feeling again.. I rested my head on her head, and she goes "Oh, why did you have to do that?" to which I reply "Why? Does it make up uncomfortable??" "No," then she got a little more comfortable got right in my nook. I swear my heart stopped, but I wasn't going to be the one that lost... We stayed there for a while until it was a mutual decision that it was getting late, and then I walked her to my car a couple blocks away and I drove her home.

She was the last person I saw before I went to Vancouver, I was just about to leave when she texts me telling me she had this really bad cough and she would kill for some buckleys right now... I happened to have some, so I took her a bottle. She was the only person from back home I texted the whole time I was out there, and she called me once. And she was the first person I saw when I got back... I was driving home, and she sent me this text "OMG Youre coming HOME!" I brought her sand back from the coast, and she had made me an anklet while I was gone.

Last weekend we had a 7s tournament in Med hat. It went really well, we got silver, but besides that, everyone else's parents came to watch, so they all had rides home, this girls aunt, didn't care much for rugby, so I drove her the 2 hours home. At first I freaked out and texted Angel a couple of times, violating my no texting her rule, but it turned out to be a nice drive. She was reading a magazine and I glanced over at an article about gay teens, the perfect opportunity to feel her out, so we started talking about it... I got the impression that she is still totally straight.

Sunday rolls around and we are texting. She calls me out on not wanting to be friends, she accuses me of not really liking her, and not talking to her cause I "think its wrong" we talk and
I say "No, its not that, I enjoy you."

She responds with this "But you don't want to enjoy me. You don't like that your heart likes me. ;)"

Me: "My brain and my heart have never really been friends..."

Her; "Your brain doesn't agree with your heart. Lol. I know. I can see it. ;)"

Me; "Yeah, i'm just waiting for one of them to win."

Her: "Haha, its funny. I can tell when your brains winning. And I can tell when your hearts winning."

This kinda put me on edge. I don't know how serious she was being, or what she meant by it... But impulse decision I kinda broke up with her. I freaked out. Cause thats what I do. Serious or not, she was getting too close... then she got all hurt... I can't stand to see her hurt, so I freaked out again, AT her. I don't remember what all was said... but it got serious. ... I told her I needed her. We fought for like 2 hours... In the end, I was begging for forgiveness, and yeah... We decided to screw this whole, coach thing, cause i'm a hypocrite and don't act like it anyway, so we decided to be real friends... UGH. What the HELL am I DOING!?!?

Later, she tells me she doesn't really remember most of this cause of her concussion...


.....................


There are times, that I am convinced she is totally straight. And we are just friends. She had a rough childhood, lives with her aunt that doesn't really do a whole lot for her, so she latched on to me cause I showed her I genuinely care about her. She has told me on a number of occasions that she feels like we just mesh. She talks to me about boys and stuff. And it feels like thats what our relationship is, im the cool big sister that she never had...

But then, there are times... She tells me that she wishes I was I guy. There are emotional lashing out type responses to every time we hang out... We have a picnic in her back alley, I leave and she goes and gets stoned. I help her pierce her belly button, I leave and she cuts her finger really bad(on purpose), I drive her home from rugby, we have a two hour conversation, I leave and she goes and screws around with some guy she works with... Its like every time we do something, she bottles up something and as soon as I leave, she lashes out... Maybe I read to much into it. I think she doesn't really know yet... she's figuring it out..