146 Days

Its 146 days until rugby season officially starts...

I've been thinking lately... about how much Court is going to hate me come season... and about how much im going to miss her. Which is kinda funny, cause I'll se her more during season than I do now, but, our relationship won't be the same. I've warned her about it, but a part of me thinks she isn't going to fully understand what I am going to do. I'm gonna be a bitch. Partly on purpose, partly because i will just revert to my old self. She thinks she loves me, but i'm in control of that, I can make her hate me so fast...

But thats not what I want. I don't want her to hate me... but I don't trust her self control. I don't think she can properly handle having a fake relationship... Or at least I don't think she could last in one for 4 months.

146 days... its been 128 days since we really started being friends, and look how much trouble i've already gotten into. If our relationship keeps going at this rate... yeah... I don't even want to go there. I really want to back off, but I can't really bring myself to, im weak, and stupid... I didn't touch her for two weeks while I was in NZ, and now, its all I want to do. A few nights ago, I snuck into her backyard just to hug her, it was a reasonably long hug, but I didn't want to stop, I didn't want to put her down, but I made myself, and even when I did stop hugging her, my hand stayed on her back, my body begging me to just grab her again and never let go, and then she moved away from my hand and my heart dropped. I'm going crazy. And even now, I just want to go wrap my arms around her, bury my face in her neck and just .....ugh... I want to love her, and squeeze her till she's alllll mine... just call my Elmyra..

Anyway, to the point... I don't know what to do with the next 146 days... and even worse, the 120 days after that.