Am I lying to you, or lying to myself?

(I wrote this post like a week ago, and I decided I want to post it)

I lie. The thing is though, i've been doing it for so long, I don't know which the lie is anymore.

What am I lying about? I'm lying about liking girls. I'm either lying to myself that I do like girls, or i'm lying to you about not liking girls... see the thing is- I don't know. It makes more sense to be lying to you, but the truth is, I don't know.

I have this thing... where I only like things until I have them, a part of me wonders if I like girls because I can't have them...

Do I actually like girls? I can't see myself growing old with a girl.

I do like guys...well guy... I've found one that I actually really like... and he's not a bad kisser. And I want to have kids, and live a normal life...

I do find girls attractive. But is it love, or just lust?

I like boys, I like boys, I like boys, I like boys...

I like girls.

I've never even kissed a girl... part of me doesn't want to... what if I like it more than I like kissing boys? It took me 23 years to find a guy that I liked kissing...

After I told Tino that I wasn't a lesbian, she said that she was jealous that I didn't have these feelings for girls, and that its hard, and she hates that her family thinks shes going to hell...

I've got an option... granted, I can't have him for like 2.5 years... but if its an option, why would I choose the path that brings hate? I can be perfectly happy with a boy. I'm actually not so worried about other people... I'm pretty sure people already know, apparently I have a vibe, and people are surprised im not a lesbian.. I don't care what other people think, I'm the one that has to live with myself... I can't accept this about myself.

Curiosity killed the cat.

I can't have Court. Is that why I want her so bad? She gives me butterflies sometimes when she touches me... I love that feeling.

Its not really fair for anyone. Its not fair for me to be with Dallas, because I might like girls more than I like him. Its not fair to be with a girl cause I can't bring myself to give up the church, not now, probably not ever. Its not fair to myself...