The Now

I don't really remember the real reason I started this blog... it was something like I just wanted someone to know and somewhere to vent... I think.

Then I found out she was reading it. It didn't change the way I wrote it...much. But I found a new purpose behind it.

The last conversation we had, she asked me how I could be so unfeeling... how I could not care that much... I just wanted her to know that I was a mess that night. And for a long time after. That's why I wouldn't let her call me. I was shaking and on the edge, and I'm sure if I actually talked to her, I'd break down. Not to take away from the pain I caused her...

She affected my life. And because I am the insensitive jerk I am, I thought she would just get over me. No ones ever given me a second thought, or really missed me, so it didn't even cross my mind that she would hang on for more than a couple of weeks.

I was wrong.

And I feel like a tool. And I'm sorry. I know it doesn't change anything. But I am.

I don't want dredge up old feelings, or memories. It's over, she's over me. And it should stay that way. I'm ok with it. There are some things I would want to talk to her about, but it wouldn't be beneficial to either of us. So I guess the question is where do we go from here?

The Aftermath

So it was done. I logged off, closed my lap top and lay on my bed, just trying to breathe. I stayed this way, unmoving for over an hour. Just staring at the roof. Wishing I could just get her out of my head. All I could think of was her, and the pain that I had caused her.

I ignored my own pain, i knew this my own fault. I didn't deserve to give heed to my own pain. All I felt was guilt and longing.

I hated myself a little bit for doing it. I hated that I couldn't help her pain. I wanted to SO bad. But I couldn't .... because I was the cause. It was all I could do to stop myself from messaging her.

She doesn't know this, but after I left that day... I came back. Everyday. I logged on, appeared offline, just to see if she was there. She changed her statuses a few times... and every time I read them it opened up the wound I'd inflicted upon myself. I was going to delete her emails... but I never really got around to it... She sent me one last message, wishing me the best, and with that she was gone.

She was all I thought about her for days...weeks...

Secretly I hoped that she would come here.

One day, a few weeks after the break-up, I was logging on, just to see if she was there, to see if she had tried to contact me(she hadn't). I thought about what I was doing in that moment... how crazy I was being. I reprimanded myself and thought, 'really? What the hell are you doing?!' And without really thinking about it, and because I was already logged on, I changed my status to that. She responded to this with a "Whats that supposed to mean" comment, and I can't even remember if I replied to that... Again, I felt like a douche.

I should just let it go. Leave it alone. A wound you pick at never heals. September rolled around, and I kept thinking I saw her places... I had an irrational fear that she would show up to my office. For real. I kinda went off the deep end. ...

I'm making this sound worse than it actually was. It didn't affect my behaviour at all... I just couldn't get her out of my head, for the life of me. I figured she stayed in BC. I also found out that she had moved on. That she has a girlfriend and that shes in love. I'm happy for her. I kind of miss her still. She was a good friend. She is better off now.

The Break-up

I know you cant really break up with someone you arent really going out with, but in this case you can. And I did.

She told me she loved me.
After my lil freak-out sesion, 3 hours later- She was there. Waiting for me. First thing she asked me was if I was ok. Always concerned about my well-being.

Time is kind of a funny thing, and its interesting how it changes things. I'm legitimately trying to remember exactly how I felt and what I was thinking, and I can for the most part, but parts are fuzzy, and still I question things... Really I don't know how to explain it.

Anyway, I came back and we started talking. For the first little bit it was just meaningless chit chat. Then she asked me how I really felt about her. I told her I liked her. She didn't think this was a good enough answer. So I asked her if she could love me anymore. We made the agreement that if she answered truthfully, I'd give her a real answer about her previous question. She told me she was applying for scholarships for the university here, and that she wanted to move here... This scared me. A part of me wanted her to come out here, but the other part of me really didn't cause I knew what would happen... If she was still 'in love' with me after meeting me, I'd use her as my play thing. She would've been my dirty little secret, and when I got bored of that, or when I felt like people were starting to catch on, i'd get rid of her. It wouldn't be fair to her, she would love me, and she would just be a make-out buddy.

So that made it my turn to answer honestly. I told her that I lusted after her, that I think about her everyday, I daydream about kissing her, that my heart races sometimes when im talking to her. I told her that she was my favorite sin. That I wanted her, but I couldn't. I told her that she got way too close way too fast. And I told her that I didn't want to break her heart.

Then we moved back to chit chat, talked about god for a bit. I told her to hate me. She really wanted to call me, and have a real conversation. I refused. I hate phones, and at the time I don't think I could've talked to her. Looking back right now, I kind of wish I had. But at the same time, its probably better this way. Then I realized it was really late. So I went to bed. It wasn't the final goodbye just yet. I wasn't ready to let go.

So I go on the next day. I saved the Conversation....cause im sick like that, and i'm posting most of it. It kind of crosses some privacy lines, but the thing is- you don't know me, I don't know you, you don't know her.

Angel- ..hmm... are you feeling better today?..
Me- yes and no
Angel- ...hm. why no?
Me- cause i feel bad
Me- about what i did, what im doing, and what im going to do
Angel- going to do.....
Angel- what..?
Me- im ending this
Angel- no
Me- no?
Angel- you cant.
Angel- i dont want you to
Me- please dont do this
Angel- i want to talk talk to you
Me- its hard enough as it is
Angel- i want to talk to you.
Me- i dont think that would help
Me- you dont really have a choice here
Me- its not you
Angel- IT IS
Angel- DONT EFFING SAY THAT.
Me- this is just a decision i had to make
Angel- TALK TO ME.
Me- no
Angel- I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU HERE. I WANT TO HEAR YOU
Angel- I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT
Angel- I DONT WANT ...
Angel- WHAT THE HELL....
Me- Im sorry
Me- i really am
Angel- i dont want to read this.
Angel- i feel like i dont even deserve to at least hear this in a proper and real conversation
Angel- why are you dooing this to me.
Me- i never meant to
Angel- what's wrong with me
Me- its the fact that ive been playing an effing game with you cause i cant effing help myself
Me- im emotionally disturbed, and you dont need that
Angel- then i'll help you
Angel- ..please
Me- you cant

It goes on, there is begging and pleading, and arguing, and fighting, and everything really. As if it wasn't hard enough, she made it damn-near impossible.

Angel- i know im not much, and i know i dont deserve you. but i'll work hard. im at the edge.
Angel- let me talk to you.
Me- it wont help
Angel- you dont know anything.
Me- i want you to hate me
Me- i want you to think of me as a waste of time
Me- i want you to never think about me again
Angel- ...iknow you do.
Angel- this is not the first time someone's done this to me okay.
Angel- he did this to me too..

That got me.

Angel- i dont want to stop talking to you.
Me- its not about what you want, its about what needs to hapen
Angel- why does this need to happen
Me- because im a sick, twisted, poor excuse for a human being, and i hate myself for it
Me- again, its not you. Its not your age. I cant be your friend because i cant stop myself playing with you,
Angel- playing...you're not playing with me. im well aware that you flirt with me. when you said you toy with me.. i didnt like it, but do you actually mean it?
Angel- you hate me? have you ever felt any affection for me? do you really want to leave me..
Me- i did actually mean it. And i know i am a horrible person, and i also know, that someday, im going to answer for it. I don't hate you. I couldn't hate you.


Angel- this is hurting me like alot.. but im sucking it up.. lol. i wish i was you right now.. just chill and composed. be good, and gain that confidence again, love yourself.

Oh, if she couldve only seen me in that moment. I was shaking. My heart was pounding. I was on the edge. It was almost unbearable.

Me- I know it hurts, and im sorry it does. But it will pass. I'll try and be good. You too. I wish the best for you.
Me- Goodbye, Angel
Angel- Goodbye, *****

And thats how it ended. Obviously there was more conversation than this, but you get the picture. I logged off.

Sooo....I lied

I got caught up doing other things this weekend, I didn't get around to writing the rest.... my bad. Sorry. And i'm going to be super busy this week...sooo....you might not get it for a bit.

Right now

Ok so I know you are waiting for the rest of the story, and I promise it will come this weekend. It's hard to write...

Anyway. Right now. I'm sitting in my car, outside a 7-11. Trying to figure out why I'm sitting here. I was just at a little get together with some friends of mine. I look fantastic. I'm all by myself. There is a girl working there... Afton..... and I'm just sitting here. Like the creep that I am. Half trying to think of a reason to go in there. Which is stupid cause its just a 7-11. And half just sitting here...looking at her. She's beautiful. Even in the dorky uniform. She is so far out of my league, that if we were playing baseball, I'd have to back up when she bunts. ...its cold. And I'm a creepy stalker. As I was driving here I was asking myself what I was doing... sitting here I still have no idea.

Even if I did go in there, I'd buy something I don't need or I don't want, to have a 30 second conversation with her, that would probably just make me look like a retard and I'd end up saying something stupid.

And I mean, what do I expect to come of it? I can't ever have her. It would blow my closet cover, not to mention it goes against everything. ...and yet I sit here. Wanting to tell her how amazing she is, let her know that there is someone out there that sees her. That wants to be her shoulder to cry on, to be there for her, night or day, near or far. Someone she can trust. Someone, that given the opportunity, would do anything for her, someone that hopes she never again has to suffer a broken heart.

....why am I still here?....

The Freak-out.

She told me she loved me. She was 17, we had never spoken/met in real life, and she was in love. Call me crazy, but its not possible. I dont care what she thinks she felt, guaranteed, it wasn't the real thing. She may have been starting to fall, but she wasn't there. I don't know if I actually believe in love.

So, she told me this. I started having a freak-out session. Well, as much of one as I can have. I told her I needed to go, but that i'd be back. She made me promise that i'd be back that night. I said I would, and I proceeded to put on my running stuff and go for a run, but I felt like a couldn't get far enough, fast enough so I circled around and got my bike. About an hour and a half passed and I came home with the intention of talking to her, but I sat at my computer and had no idea where to start so I picked up my rugby ball, went back outside and kicked it around a bit. I didn't know where to start. I know that I REALLY didn't want to hurt her, I never wanted to break her heart. From the beginning I told her not to get her heart involved. Then again, apparently im a sadistic, masochistic nut case. I wanted her, I didn't want her, I wasn't sure. I knew that I would just use her. I was scared. Most of all I was scared.

Rugby always calms me down, I went back inside, sat down at my computer and had an intense conversation with her.

Time Out.

Ok, time out. Fast forward to right now. Ok, so I don't really have the hots for any of my roommate.... but im sitting there, playing Nintendo with my one roommate, who has great legs, and who also happens to not be wearing any pants....I'm kinda sprawled on the couch, and another roommate of mine comes in, walks up behind roommate #1, kisses the top of her head and then comes up behind me, and brushes my hair off my forehead and gently kisses my forehead. Which is something that she does...but then she's like You are so warm, (she had just been outside and was cold) and placed another kiss on my forehead, and another, and another, them she moved her kisses down a little towards my nose, another, and another, I could feel her cold nose grazing mine, she planted one last one on my nose and proceeded with the usual chit chat.

How is this not supposed to turn me on? It was all I could do not to reciprocate, and grab her and kiss her.... argh!

The Beginning of The End

SO. She lied to me. About something that was CLEARY important. I mean, i sort of understood her keeping it from me on one level, cause I had spazzed about her being 18, and she was probably scared i'd call it quits if I knew how old she really was... but at the same time, its kind of the line between me being a cougar, and me being a pedophile. I will give her points though, for coming clean....after I called her on it...

It took a little bit, but I forgave her for it. But this was kind of the point where everything seemed to just spiral down. It made me really think about what I was doing. Here I am, trying to figure my crap out, I wasn't really looking for a relationship, and there she is, tryin her darndest to get me. Deep down I knew that I wouldnt go that way, I wouldnt ever actually be in a relationship with her, or anyone. That doesn't mean we wouldn't make out. But thats where it would end.

So, the next day, we have a little chit-chat type stuff, and then she asks me why im still talking to her. So, i try to explain it--
I like girls. I shouldnt. But I do. However, God seems to think I can get past this.
My problem with her is that I like her. I like talking to her, I like flirting with her, she is more or less on my mind alot.
First of all its wrong because she is a girl, Secondly, its wrong because she is 17,
Everytime I come on here, I wanted to 'break up with her' but i dont...not want- should/need
I shouldn't be talking to her
My other problem is this
I have severe intimacy issues, I do EVERYTHING within my power to keep people at a distance
none of that seemed to phase her
ive been a bitch to her from the beginning
ive was playing this game with her
and she kept effing coming
a part of me likes that
a bigger, stronger, more intimidating part of me hates that
and the point of that is this- I would just use her
And i feel bad because thats all i have done so far
shes been my entertainment, she has been my object of flirtation, she was a confidence boost
and ive gave nothing to her in return

So I told her all this, and she pauses for a moment and was like "you've done nothing for me"... she proceeded to tell me how I make her life better.

And im like...So I make you happy?

And then she says this. - i'm in love with you.

..............I then proceeded to have a little freak out.

A fantasy and a lie

Spolier Alert? Yeah, for all those who still don't think i'm a 'douche-bag', by the time you are done reading this whole story, you will. This is one of those things about me that people should learn early on. I'm a complete jerk. ...Sorry.




The game continued, one of the rewards for gettting a certain amount of points was that I would send her pics. She got to this point, so I sent her about a dozen pics... She then proceeded to go on about how cute I am. Its kind of hard not to appreciate someone that adores you...
I created a fake facebook acount(in the very beginning. To use the chat. Because I didn't have MSN.) She would write stuff on my wall. Send me messages and stuff. Anyway, one day I get this email from an anonymous 'friend' of Beep's. Pretty much it was horrible, it was vicious. It was about how I was taking advantage of her being so young and naive, and how im seducing her, and dragging her to hell with me. Attacking my character, it was biting and nasty. It didn't change anything, but it made me think about what Beep was telling who, also she put a LOT of emphasis on the 'young' part. I told Beep that someone wasn't too happy with our behaviour, she flipped a lid. Its funny cause I exchanged a few messages with this 'friend' I got her to leave us alone, but I promised that I'd never tell Beep who it was. This 'friend's' last message to me accused me of telling Beep who they were. And for the world to know- I did not. I keep my word. I am nothing if not loyal to my oath.

Anyway, we continued speaking every night. And I reestablished the fact that we were only friends often.

Then one day, im sitting in my office; going through some paperwork, not even thinking about anything, other than what i was doing...when bam, all of a sudden, she pops in my head. In an inappropriate manner... Enter daydream... She is half-sitting, half kneeling on this bed, wearing an oversized white dress shirt that was only half buttoned up. I shook myself, tried to get the image out of my head. It keeps coming back. I try to fight it, but everytime I lose focus of what I was doing. Even a little bit, she was there again, full detail. My heart would start racing and I would imagine us getting closer, in slow-motion; until I was close enough to feel her breath on my lips; I slid up right beside her and traced my finger along the contours of her knee, I'd brush a strand of her gorgeous hair away from her face, and then run my finger along her jaw line to her lips. I dropped my hand and ever so lightly grazed her lips with mine. She would draw a sharp breath in, in anticipation, then instead of kissing her breathless lips, id start down the side of her neck, and move slowly to her collar. Lingering there for a moment and then moving back up her throat to her lips. I would slide one hand around to the small of her back and pull her into me, while deepening the kiss.... ....At this point in time, I realize im still sitting in my office. My heart still pumping. Fetch. If we were friends in my head... i'd hate to see where more would take my dreams.

Pretty much im a whore in my day-dream-fantasies. And she was just an object. And im an asshole. I couldn't get her out of my head because I lusted after her. I loved that she loved me, it gave me the power. And the one thing that really turned me on was the thought of her, getting goosbumps. Me being the cause. I could make her feel butterflies, and that is a priceless thing, to see anticipation and anxiety, and love when someone looks at you. And she would be all these things for me. I never met her in real life, but my imagination was enough... And I felt guilty for it. SO guilty.

Anyway, our conversations continue, just like we were old friends. And im thinking about it one day, and suddenly it hits me. She is still in highschool....her birthday is in October....She is 17!! It made me sick thinking about it. One night, halfway into some conversation about who knows what, I straight up ask her- "Are you 17?" She tries to ignore the question, she does it very gracefully, but in that I have my answer. She confesses to it. Then she apologizes profusely. She tells me that she was going to tell me, and im like 'when?' I made a big deal about her being 18. And that she was still in highschool... and now she is 17. And it wasn't even just that. ...She lied to me.

And thus it continued.

So. MSN. This brings us to mid-April. And the conversation that led us into the privacy of MSN was about how I was torn between my religion, and my desires. It been a struggle for a long time. It was the first time i'd ever gotten into this conversation with anyone, and it was the first time i'd had a really serious conversation with her. It kind of made me sick. I'd never actually admitted to liking girls. It was a conversation of firsts, the whole time my chest was tight, my breathing shallow, and it made me nervous to actually be talking about it. I do and I don't like girls. I can't.

I told her, tried to convince her that she didn't want anything to do with the screwed up mess that I am. I told her she should've just left me alone. I explained to her that I couldn't accept this because its not something I could live with. And deep down I know its wrong. I kept trying to explain it, but a part of me didn't want to. Its like ive got a split personality... and it sucks. She stayed. I have no idea why, but she wanted to help me. I have NO idea why, but she liked me. Which scared me.

She told me that I was the first girl she had ever liked. I didn't like this. My own corruption is one thing... but I did not want to be her transition object. I told her about Afton. It changed from a conversation about what is right and wrong to a conversation about...I don't even know what...It was basically me trying to explain how messed up I am. Then she called me out. She asked me whether or not I liked her. Honestly at the time, I wasn't sure. I was leaning towards the no, cause if I admitted having feelings for her, it just took me one step closer to the edge. And I wasn't willing to really put myself out there. Then she explained how she had already put herself out there, and was willing to do it again. I didn't want to call it anything just yet. I couldn't make a decision either way. My biggest problem is that im selfish, but I don't know what I want.

So we defined our relationship again. We were friends. And we were just getting to know each other. Then we put that conversation away and continued our get to know you question game...


I cant even explain now what I tried to tell her, I couldn't understand why she liked me, she couldn't like me, shes never even met me!! I didn't like that I wasn't in control...everything about this, made me uncomfortable...

More Still

So, we decided to be friends. We talked to each other pretty much everyday. She was getting annoyed at the fact that I insisted on keeping this ....anonymous. I wouldn't give any real information about myself, ....I wouldn't even tell her my name. But, she wanted to get to know me... and I wanted to continue talking to her, so I devised a little game...

She would ask me questions about myself, I would answer the questions, and she would have to tell if I was lying, or telling the truth. Every time she guess right, she would get an imaginary point. It was a game to 100. And there were little rewards along the way. I don't remember what the rewards were, but once she reached 100, I'd tell her my name. My real name. Which, in the internet world is kind of a big deal.

We started this game, it was a fun game. The game progressed, and it came to the point where we wanted a little more privacy, not because anything was going on, but just cause we had only spent time in this chat room, with being interrupted and stuff, and I was sharing a lot of stuff about myself, that I wasn't really interested in having the world know. Also, we were having a serious talk about some issues that I was having. So, I busted out an old email address, and moved our conversation to MSN.

Theres more

I went back the next night. She was there. We continued to talk. She was avoiding studying for her bio exam. Cute. We decided to kill two birds with one stone so I helped her study. Bio was always one of my favorites, right up there beside math. We talked pretty late. And this became the pattern... I'd go on, she would show up, we'd talk until I practically fell asleep on my keyboard.
While I helped her study, I asked her questions and gave her imaginary points for right answers. She then tried to use these points to impress me. Cute. I made fun of her alot. And pretty much was a sarcastic jerk to her... but I enjoyed talking to her. It was def something I looked forward to everyday, I would be an ass, and she would let me. It was a great relationship. And then I screwed up again.
SO. By this time, my take on the relationship is that she is an entertaining friend. Thats all. Her take on it? Probably ask her, but my thoughts on her thoughts? That this was going somewhere. We were friends now, but maybe it would turn into something. She liked me. Like-Liked me... And the only time we hung out was in this chat room and people started to notice. One day, while im waiting around for Beep to show up, my life turns into one of those poorly written highschool drama shows where the jocks in the locker room start hasslin the quarterback about spending time with the art-geek...very John Tucker Must Die. Britt starts asking me about whats going on between myself and beep... I got defensive, she kept pushing it. SO- I did what any self(dis)respecting idiot would do. I said it was nothing, she meant nothing to me, she was just fun to make fun of, ect. And in true high school movie fashion, she happened to log on right as this conversation transpired.
She saw the whole thing. She 'ran away' to another chat room. Britt was hysterical. And the universe would do that to me. I chased her. And I panicked. I HATE hurting people. I would've done anything to change what had happened. I tried to explain what I said, and I apologized more than ever. ....we had a long talk. It involved a lot of grovelling. It was a long time ago, but I am pretty sure there was some begging for forgiveness too. Hours went by, and I used her feelings for me as an advantage... I was manipulative. I flirted until she forgave me. Which, looking back, was probably the worst thing I could do. ...to play with her feelings, just so I didn't lose someone that entertained me. It was really flattering how much she flirted with me. It made me feel good. But at the same time, it made me feel like dirt, cause I knew I didn't feel the same way. Anyway, we talked, and she ended up forgiving me, tenatively, but she did. Nearing the end of the conversation, I specified we were to be friends, and ONLY friends. And the rule I laid out, was that she was not to fall in love with me.
And I meant it. And not in the Walk-to-Remember-Shane-West-Mandy-Moore-I-told-you-not-to-love-me kind of way. I REALLY didn't want her to love me. I couldn't afford for her to fall for me. I didn't deserve for her to love me. She agreed to it. She said it, She didn't mean it, I knew she didn't mean it....

Matchmaker

(Take a moment, take a breath, this is gonna be a gooder, i've broken it up into segments, and i'll post them, as I see fit.)I hesitate to really tell this story, cause its not just about me, it didn't just affect me. And I fear in the telling of it, it won't just affect me...
Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match! Find me a find! Catch me a catch!!
Oh Fiddler on the Roof....
SO. I think it was about March sometime, earlier this year, I got bored and I always get a kick out of reading lesbian personal ads... so I was cruisin through some online dating sites when lo and behold, who's profile do I come across? Ashton. I read her profile. It was beautiful. (I was going to put a link on here to it, but it has since been removed.)
So I did something that I never thought I would do... I signed up for the site. I created a profile with the hope that she might read it, find me interesting and maybe have an honest conversation. ...well...as honest a conversation you can have with a person pretending to be someone shes not.
I guess the fates weren't on my side for that one though. It seems likt the day I signed up is the day she stopped logging onto the site. I'd come back everyday, see if she had logged on. Days turned to weeks. I must've read her profile an hundred times. But I kept going back. Eventually I found the chat room attatched to the site, so I decided to see what real lesbians were like, what they talked about.
First couple of times I went on, I just read conversations....Creeped.... Then I met this girl. Her name was Britt, and she was gettin ragged on by some wretched hag, so I did what I do best- defend the underdog. I quipped in with some semi-harsh sarcastic comments and this made Britty and I insta-friends. She was hilarious and sarcastic. And it got to the point where I kept coming back just to talk to her. She was dating someone at the time, which was great for me, cause really I was never looking for anything. I didn't actually want anything. Her girl sort of love-hated me. She kind of found me amusing, but I could tell I pissed her off. Alot. Cause I'd flirt with Britt, relentlessly. Cause it was safe. I could flirt with her all I wanted cause I knew she was in love with her girlfriend. This is my first problem- I LOVE flirting. And this was safe.
One day I wander into the chat room, and Britt asks me if ive had a run in with a user named "Beep" ....I say no. Britty proceeds to inform me that this Beep girl has been loking for me, asking about me and talking about me. Instantly im a lil freaked out. And then as if on cue, enter Beep. I was so close to just hightailing it out of there, but a tiny little part of me was curious.
So I stayed. She def came on a little strong. Usually i'm the hunter, and it was odd being the one who is getting sized up.... kind of put me on my heels. So I turned to my defense mechanism- Sarcasm. This is my second problem. I recall being kind of harsh to her. She was really hyper, and giggleish... and VERY 18. And then I left.
(I'm going to be honest, this first little bit is kinda fuzzy... it was a while ago, and at the time, I chose not to take mental notes of the events surrounding the interaction between myself and this random girl.)
I came back the next night, and I was told that apparently I had hurt Beep's feelings. This kind of made me feel bad. And thus we see my third problem- It doesn't matter if I should or not, I feel the need to fix everyones problems/hurt feelings, especially if it is me that caused it.
...Cause I really should've left it alone. So, Beep came back, and I apologized for my rude behaviour. We talked for a bit, we had a couple things in common. We ended up being kind of friends, though just by the way she was, I could tell that she liked me.

Stalling

Sooo......um. How are you all doing? .....


...........


Ok. So, I hesitate to share this story. Cause unlike every story ive told so far, this one involves a real person. Not just my internal struggles. It not only affected me, but it affected someone else. And a part of me fears that in sharing it, it will again, not only affect me.

................................

Preemptive Warning

Dear Faithful, Loyal, Vigillant...Non existant... Blog Followers,

This is a notice that will serve as a warning for you to prepare to read my blog post following this one. Its going to be a hefty one. In size and depth. So be aware of what you are getting into.

Also, it make take me another few days to write it because of the events that transpired... I wouldn't really call it a touchy subject, but its something I wish to adress with care and tact.

Thank you for your consideration.

Rhone.

Cuba

December of last year. I go on a spontaneous trip to Cuba with a good friend of mine. She is one of those people who are just awesome. She warns me/ asks me if I would be offended if she wore a bikini all week. ....Yes. That would offend me. How nice of you to be looking out for my morals.... ahahahahha. I told her to do whatever she wanted. And glorious decision she walked around wearing very little.

She would wake up in the morning and go for a run along the beach, I'd pretend to be asleep then, when she left, i'd stand at the window and watch her run. At one point during the week she wicked burned her back. So I soaked a couple towels and put them in the fridge. She layed down on the bed, topless, and i'd put the towels across her back, and switch them every 10 minutes.

It was at this point that I wanted to just kick myself. This wasn't something I needed at this point in time. She was hot. Like, athletic build, tan, gorgeous. SOOOOO attractive. And here she was. Lying on my bed. Pretty much naked. Shoot me now.

Later, that night, we were talking and stuff, and we had a conversation about how she was a great kisser. About how she would teach boys things and how it was just the best. Please, shoot me. Boarder line I wanted her to teach me a thing or two... And if this was a porno, thats how it wouldve ended. Luckily I do not live in a porn.

Totally Unexpected

Tuesday night. A friend of mine, JD, stops by with her car and tells me she has something in her car for me, but she is having issues getting her trunk open. I go out to her car to help her open the trunk. We get the trunk open and she hands me a jacket of mine that I left at her place last weekend. We walk back in the house and there is someone bent over looking in my fridge. As I come in the door, I am looking at this person's legs and she stands up and says to me "I think we're out of milk." This is my thought process: Who is in my fridge...We're not out of mi-...CAT!!
I gasp and almost trip backwards, the counter was the only thing that caught me. JD and Cat had been planning this for weeks. I didn't even know she was flying in, shes supposed to be 1000miles away. And she snuck her into my house while I was helping with her car.

I start laughing and then I punch JD and scream that I hate her. I laugh some more and tackle-hug Cat and tell her that I hate her too. Jerks for not telling me!! This goes on for like 10 minutes of my yelling about how much I hate them and us all laughing.

She asks if she can stay with me and I tell her I wouldn't have it any other way. We've been sharing my little bed all week. Almost the way it used to be. But not quite. Whatever it was we had before is gone. Im not in love with her. I look at her, and I don't see anything with her. I don't want her like I once did. I lie next to her in the dark, and she cuddles into me, its perfect cause im a cold sleeper, like my body temp drops when i go to bed, and she is a furnace. But other than the fact she is warm, I don't even want her in my bed, and she's obviously not into me. Im so over that. Just thought the world should know.

Rugby

So, I played rugby in High School. And I coached it for years. It def takes its toll on your body, ive been told by several doctors that I shouldn't play anymore. Pft. What do doctors know? I took a break from playing for a while. And I was just coaching. Then I was talking to a buddie of mine and he convinced me to come back. I'm a sucker. I wasn't hard really. Theres this girl on the team, who I find very attractive, and I found out she was a lesbian, no one knew this is the reason I came back, but it is. I could never actually do anything with her, cause I had a couple friends on the team that can never know. Anyway. So I ended up playing, Summer of 2009. This girl, Afton,and I knew each other, we played against each other in high school for a year, maybe two... im a bit older than she is. But she is one of those girls that you just have to love. She is about as 'out' as you can get, she practically has it tattooed on her neck. Ps Tattoos=smokin hot. She is one of those girls that is really aware of people around them. A bunch of us are hanging at the club after a game, just chillin, and Ash jokingly hits on girls, cause really its funny. Though she makes a point of asking people if it makes them uncomfortable. She asked me, if it bothered me, and i'm like 'heck no' Go for it. .....Shame on me. Same day she asked me a serious question. She asked me- If I found out I was a lesbian, would I leave the church, or if I would choose to be miserable and alone? I told her I didn't know, just because I didn't want to close that door, but I immediately regretted saying it. I knew it wasn't true. Even if I knew I was a 100% lesbo, im pretty sure I wouldn't leave the church. And this makes me a hypocrite and a liar, and a horrible person. Because every down time in practice or in games- water breaks, after we score, i'd be looking for her. Any excuse I could use to be near her, to touch her... all summer. In the locker rooms I would never actually check her out. I did once, totally by accident, but I was in severe amounts of pain at the time, and it didn't really affect me. She has this killer tattoo that goes from her ribs, down to her hip. Oh man. Sexy. Anyway, its nearing the end of the season, and we are playing an away game. 14 on 15 cause our team decided it had better things to do. Game starts, we are recieving. High medium kickoff, coming straight for me. Perfect. I make a clean catch and start running, I size up the opposition in front of me, and pick out the biggest, ugliest, girl nearest to me, and I go straight for her. Its the beginning of the game, everyone wants first hit, and everyone wants it to be huge, set the pace for the entire game, so I up my pace. Im running as fast as I can possibly move, this girl is still coming for me. Sweet, I dip at the last second, like I was going to just pop her off me, but she comes in too high, and as im coming up into her, I realize shes up too high, im not sure exactly what happened but pain shot through my whole shoulder. The kind of pain like when you jam your finger but 5x worse. Anyway, she goes flying back off me, I hurdle her and get a few more steps in before I feel more hands and offload the ball. It was pretty sweet, seeing the sasquatch-girl go flying, but the moment is over and the pain in my shoudler is kind of annoying. There is a lineout, and i'm the one throwing the ball in. Not a good motion for my shoulder... time goes on, it only really hurts when I move it a certain way, mostly when im throwing and scrumming. Oh man, it hurt when we scrummed. It started getting heavy, really slowing me down. Every move I made with it felt like I was throwing it around like dead weight. Painful dead weight. Im a stubborn little cuss though, and we were already playing short so I wasn't getting off the field unless someone made me. And our coach wasn't there so...I played. The entire half. 40 minutes of rugby. Oh and I nailed their fly half in open play, stole the ball, launched to our 10, and we scored. If they gave assists in rugby, that would been a great one. Ps. We were up ....by a lot. Second half starts and about 10 mintues in, there is this scrum... By this point im just dragging myself around the field, and its taking longer for us to bind on, and the ref decides to just be a bitch, and not let us get set properly. Crouch, touch, pause... Im still mostly standing up, I try to get down...Engage! My head is down below my shoulders, my shoulders are down below my hips, the opposition pretty much engages on my neck. I'm fairly certain that my nose touched my sternum. That was fun. Blinding, horrible pain. Next thing I know, Im face down on the ground surrounded by bodies and I dont want to move. My face is burried in the grass, and the ref starts moving people off me. She calls me. My eyes are closed and im just trying to breathe. She asks me if I can hear her. I contemplate not answering her cause shes a bitch. But Im like yes. By this time, im the only one on the ground, I haven't moved a muscle. Our team medic come over, it takes me what seems like forever to go through the steps of getting to my feet. She asks what happened, where I felt pain.. If I learned one thing, its that you don't ever tell them its your neck. I can wiggle my fingers and toes, im fine. Every muscle in my neck and back seized up. And I staggered off the field. I tried to lie down, but that made it worse. I ended up in this half-fetal position for the rest of the game. ....And this was a huge tangent..... Point of the story, It turns out I seperated my shoulder that first hit of the game, tore up my AC joint, and I almost broke my neck. If I had any less muscle on me, it probably wouldve snapped. Long story short(too late). I pretty much quit the team. I still came to some of the home games, but that was it for me. And it wasn't until this year that I saw Afton again.

Current Events

Ok, so we're going to take a brief intermission here and take a look at my life in this very second. Cause I've got a.....problem? But im not sure its really a problem. Its more of an interesting scenario. Its September. September=new roommates. Some I hand choose, some are recommended, some are random. And before I start into this, I do not have a crush on my new roommate, thats not what this is about.

SO. New roomie moves in. For sake of time, I will refer to her as BC(Because thats where shes from and I label people by where they come from and its easy to type). BC was recommended to me by a dear friend of mine. BC moved to town at the start of August. She lived with some friends of her family until she could move into my place. I met her a week before she was to move in. She came to town and made friends with some old friends of mine, and in the short time she's been around, has quickly made friends with alot of people im friends with. Totally a good sign. The first 3 seconds of meeting her, I wasn't so sure how this was going to go, but then we shook hands and immediately I liked her. We decided to be friends and started hanging out together.

She is intelligent(enough), but kind of ditsy. She's a cute little blonde, and has all the boys chasing her. She's kind of a tom-boy, is really confident. And frankly really fun to be around.

Here is where we run into the situation. She reminds me a lot of me. A LOT. Which in some ways is attractive, the way she speaks, the way she moves. But in other ways, it makes me a little uneasy, cause im kind of a manipulative bitch. And I wonder if she has ulterior motives. And in wondering this its driving me nuts cause I can't see her endgame. What does she want?!
She is good. Very good, but not as good as me. A little less subtle. Or maybe I just see it that way because she does things that I do. (Ps, I know I'm being vague, Im sorry.)

So this is me, really liking her... but not. And its funny, because everytime i'm around her, she makes me feel comfortable, and she makes me want her to love me. And a part of me thinks she wont because she is so like me, and im so incapable of love. Which makes me want to try harder to make her love me. ...Because im screwed up like that.

Then there is point two of my situation. She doesn't like some of my friends. And some of my friends don't like her. Which may not seem like a big deal, but it is. See- I am pretty sure I like BC, and I don't want my friends to be bashing her, because shes MY friend. And they've already dubbed her "Barbie." AND she doesn't like some of my friends;friends that have been with me for years, people who I actually love. And I know that it sounds like I should just side with my real friends... but i'm not sure how I feel about that, especially since she is my new roommate, and I feel like I can really get close to her.

So i'm taking the weekend off, going to Fairmont with one of my oldest, most trusted friends and we are going to figure out whats goin on. Get me some space between BC and the Barbie-haters.

Cat Continued.

So, I never knew exactly what her deal was, in fact I still dont know. There were some definate moments in our friendship where I questioned the way she really felt about me. It might've been the fact that she was just so open, or that she didn't have a personal bubble, or it was that she was into me. But I doubt it, cause she def liked guys. A lot. Still....



There was this one time that im giving her a massage. A deep one, and she was really sore, and she started making these....noises....kind of a turn on. Half jokingly I said, 'this would be better if you took your shirt off.' Immediately her shirt was off. So hot.



The first time we legit cuddled was one of my Monday-Night-Movie nights, and we were on my corner-couch, and she was siting in the corner, and I was sprawled out down one side, with my head in her lap. Half-way into the movie she decides she wants to lay down, so she turns into me, and slips her legs under me, so pretty much, im full on laying right on top of her, my head on her chest, arms wrapped around her, her legs wrapped around me.



Our friendship involved a lot of touching, we cuddled all the time, wrestled, pretty much any excuse I could use to feel her skin, I would take it. One day, we were lying on her bed, and she starts running her fingers up and down my arm, and we started having a conversation about how we like to be touched, and from then on, she kind of made a point of touching me that way, it was kind of a game for her, to try and make me shiver. I definately didn't mind...though, I had to fight her a little bit, to keep up appearances.



We had sleep overs periodically. These were my favorite. The first time we had a sleep over, we had dragged a matress into my livingroom floor and we were both just about to go to bed, and she whips off her shirt, and shes just in a sports bra, she asks if I mind. Of course I say no. And this begins the string of greatest sleeps ever. She was someone that you could spoon all night. And she usually fell asleep first. I would trace my fingers all over her bare skin, gentley rest my lips on her bare shoulders. Hold her tight and let her body curve into mine. Mmm.



Probably the weirdest thing was when we accidentally kissed....twice. Two seperate times, similar things happend. And it was soooo.... I don't even know... Cause its never happened with anyone else, and loking at it, I don't even understand how it happend, but we were at this party, and it was packed. Wall to Wall. And I we were talking, and she wanted to go somewhere, so she starts walking, and I start following, and all of a sudden she turns around like she forgot something, and our lips meet. It doesn't make any sense, cause I didn't think I was following her that close, and she is a solid 3'' taller than me, and it was just our lips...we didn't smash our faces, we didn't bump our noses, and one inch either way wouldve made it not a kiss, but as it was, it was a straight up kiss. I question it because she wouldve had to try to do that, but at the same time, it was so perfect, I doubt she couldve pulled it off like that.



So pretty much that was us. She kind of went AWOL and moved back to BC. I haven't seen her for about a year. We've still kept in touch. Email, facebook, the occassional phone call. I'm thinking about going out there to visit in November...

Cat.

Again, I apologize. Usually I dont suck this much at wrtting...



So one day, Jen brought home a friend of hers from BC. Cat. First impression? She was weird and slightly annoying. And I figured if Jen was friends with her, she had to be kind of a bitch too. I found out later that she was moving to town, and Jen was pretty much her only friend. Which meant that she would be spending quite some time hanging out at our house. Goodie. The first couple of times she was over, all my suspicions were confirmed. Obnoxious...



Im not sure what really happened initially, but all of a sudden Cat and Jen weren't exactly friends anymore and Cat had attached herself to me. And im not sure at what point along the line I started enjoying her being around... She was actually funny. And her quirkyness made her endearing.



We became really good friends. My best friend actually. She was someone I could be totally comfortable with. Almost too comfortable with. She was born in Portugal and she spoke portuguese. English was her second language. She grew up most of her life on the Island, so she spoke English just as well as Portuguese. She loved Ultimate Frisbee. We made our own little group of friends and it was awesome. Monday was movie night, Tuesday and Thursday we played volleyball and we hung out all weekend. Everyweek. (If you are wondering about Wednesday, I had class) I went through some sort-of-boyfriends, she dated my buddie Neil for a while. Cat and I talked about everything, and she knew me very well. She could always make me laugh, and I loved that about her. But I wasn't IN love with her. ........

The second half of this post will be up shortly. I just wanted to post this ASAP to make sure you knew I didn't give up on the bloggy-blog.

Roommates

At this point in time(5ish years ago), I've moved out of my parents house and have 4 roommates. Ah, sweet freedom! Though, I did move into a house of morally minded conservatives. Which was probably a good thing for me. Cause if I ended up in a house full of Liberal party girls, heaven knows where i'd be.

Roommate #1- Jackie. She was quirky. She was the reason I moved into this house of girls, she was the origi-friend. About my height, short dake hair that was always dyed different colors. She was wicked cool. Kinda sporty, really creative.

Roommate #2- Jen. She was "one of those girls" ... she was the pig of the house, didn't get along very well with anyone, had her issues... she LOVED attention. She was also one of those girl that thought she was hot...and she wasn't. I mean, she wasn't bad looking, but she was really full of herself. ...I remember one time she was going out to a club, and she said what she was wearing was a dress... I maintain that it was a shirt with a belt.

Roommate #3- Jamie. She was like the house Mom. Just so cute! She had a thing for cleaning, she was always the first one up in the morning and she never stopped smiling. The eternally happy one. The optimist. Totally innocent and a little naive, but you cant help loving her. And she loved everyone, more accurately, she WAS love. Oh Jamie.

Roommate #4- Jarah. I lived in that house for a month, and I was convinced she didn't exist. She played basketball for the University, so she spent alot of time at the gym/practices/away games. Its kind of funny how we first met. It was a sunday morning and I had just got out of the shower, and was walking to my room wearing nothing but a towel, and she happened to be standing in the hallway. It was kind of an awkward meeting. But its a good story now. I can say to people, "hey, the first time i met Jarah? I was pretty much naked."

Once I was convinced of Jarah's existence we became really good friends. In fact, im still living with her. She is a beast, and I love it. She's 6'1'' and about 185lbs of solid muscle. Mmm. She fights dirty and kicks my trash wrestling, though, I put up a pretty good fight. She's great to cuddle with. And the best moments living in that house were when i'd be watching tv and she would walk by, having just showered in a tiny little towel. She would turn and walk down the stairs and I could see every muscle in her legs as she went. Or the times she'd just plop down next to me in her towel. Huge muscles in her shoulders and neck. I wasn't really attracted to her. Just her body. Lol, shes kind of a butterface(but-her-face). With kind of a horse-mouth. One thing I can say about athletic girls though, they do know how to touch you. She gave great massages.

Anyway, while I lived there, pretty much I stayed out of trouble. Besides the occassional checking out of Jarah, or the mass cuddle parties, I was good. I was straight and ok with that. ....Untill Jen brought one of her friends home.

I'm back

So, it's been a while. I feel that I must apologize to my throngs of faithful readers....*cough*... I'll take the sound of crickets chirpping as you accepting my apology. I was on vacation. And Vacation= mountains. Mountains= no electronics, no reception of any kind, even if I did take electronics. But I'm back now. I had a wonderful time, thanks for asking.



So, my last post was pretty much my high school experience. Post highschool we were still friends. She had a boyfriend, and we hung out with another couple, my other bestfriend and her boyfriend. I was the 5th-wheel, all the time. But it worked for us. And I never felt out of place, mostly because I was sure that both of them liked me more than they liked their boyfriends.

My favorite game? Ever? Truth or Dare. Especially when played with horny boys. Why? Cause anyway it starts, you ALWAYS end up taking off your clothes or making out with someone. That and I will do and say anything. Also, I have quite the imagination, and am cruel to the max. So when I dare someone to do something, its GOOD. Anyway, one particular night we were all hanging out, and it started off with us playing "Would you rather" Which is fun in and of itself, but then we added the truth or dare aspect and the game took off. We made kitchen-shakes, you take any thing you can find in the kitchen, put it in a blender and dare each other to drink it. There were the obligatory prank phone calls, like when you were 15. I ended up licking someones foot, from heel to toe. Sick. And then it took a turn like it always does... someone dared Em(the friend I wasnt in love with) to kiss D's(girl I love) boyfriend. Then D decided to get some revenge, and she dared the boys to kiss. Riot. They agreed on the terms that D kisses me. Success. The boys kissed, their lips probably touched for 1/3 of a second. Curses! As per generally accepted kissing dare rules, the length of their kiss dictates the length of the ours...

Im sitting backwards on a chair, leaning on the backrest. She crawls over to where I am and kneels infront of me. Inwardly im enjoying every moment of this, but outwardly, i'm protesting. Firstly, because I really can't let myself enjoy this too much, and secondly, it prolongs the moment, I knew it was going to be the shortest kiss of my life, so I had better make the most of it. She starts to lean in, and just before she gets close enough to my face, I put my hand up to stop her. "Um...no offence, but this is gross. Hahaha" I put my hand down, our noses are alomst touching and she laughs. She comes again but I turn my head just slightly so she can't get to my lips. She stays close, and I can feel that its about to become more hassel than its worth to everyone so I turn in and let her kiss me. As expected it lasted less than a second. I'll take what I can get though.

That was pretty much the height of our romantic relationship. She's married now, has a kid. I still see her sometimes. And whenever I see her, she still runs up to me and jumps in my arms. I catch her and she koala-hugs me. Magical. Lol.

High School Years

Firstly- Ke$ha is HOT. She is like, smokin hot. Mmmm. Oh, her music video 'Blah blah blah' ....i'd tap that. ...And I probably could, given the opportunity. Do you watch her music videos? Do you see the guys she's hookin up with in her videos? Come on, the dude from the tik tok video? He's like a semi-pro reject. And the Love is my Drug video? The long-haired-dirty hippie? Please. I'm hotter than that...

Back to the important things. So i'm in high school. Focusing on my studies and my athletic career... lol. Studies... Anyway. I'm playing rugby. For those of you that know anything about rugby, I play the front row. Prop specifically. And my hooker, was a babe. We became really good friends. Those two things are totally independant of each other. We just happened to fall in together. And the more I got to know her the more I wanted to. And the more time I spent with her, the more I wanted to spend time with her. I don't know how to talk about this relationship, the way it actually was. Because the way I felt about her was ....pure? For lack of a better word.

It wasn't lustful or dirty. It wasn't about pleasure, it was about love. I adored her. I could just watch her, all day. Every move she made. She was one of my bestfriends. We spent a lot of time together. She introduced me to cheesey-bbq-eggs. Mmm. That was probably the greatest morning ever. It was just me and her, she made me breakfast and we watched ellen. Angelina Jolie was on ellen. Me+her+breakfast+ellen+angelina=Awesome.

I haven't really thought about her this much in a long time. Its funny how much i've forgotten... 4 years of friendship. This is weird. I remember, one time, watching her sweep her kitchen floor, and the sun was setting though the dining room window, the whole room had a golden dusk glow to it, she was gorgeous... I was leaning on the door jamb, just watching her... Wow, sorry. Um, I'm done for now.

What kept me sane

Over the years, i've nearly perfected the craft of making girls love me. Well, not love-love me, but like-love. ....If you know what I mean. ....That sounds really conceited. I'm like a cute puppy, everyone loves the cute puppy, but no one wants to ****edit(have sex with)the cute puppy.

I think girls are easy. ...That didn't come out right either. What I mean is that they are easy to make happy. And if you have the ability to make a girl happy, she'll love you. Just not the way I want them to.

OK. Picking up where I left off, I just screwed up my pseudo-love best friend relationship. I spend the next little while having crushes on girls, and not really doing anything about it. What was I supposed to do about it? High School came, and this is really where I started to have these feelings. I had a small circle of close friends, but I also was one of those people that could wander cliques and be accepted; I hung with jocks, with the drama kids, the choir kids, the chess geeks, the outcasts, the anime freaks, you name it and I fit in. Within my small circle of friends was one girl, she was hot and sweet and perfect. She was smart and funny and had an amazing singing voice. I loved her... too bad everyone in the school was in love with her. She became the object of my fantasies, but nothing more... she was too innocent for me to even try.

Two things in highschool kept me sane.
1- Drama class, cause in that room, there was no judgement. I could act however I wanted and people wouldn't think a thing about it, it was a comfortable space and I was surrounded by people that truely cared about you as a person. I made some awesome friends there. There were couches and bean bag chairs instead of desks, and pretty much, we did whatever we wanted.
My favorite moment in class- we were put into groups and assigned an activity of sorts, I don't remember quite what it was, but I recall sitting next to Linds on this couch, and we started discussing out activity and apparently Linds was tired and she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder and sort of cuddled into me. Mmm. My heart stopped for a split second I couldn't breathe, felt so good.

and 2- Rugby. Rugby helped for two reasons, it was a legitimate excuse to be VERY close to other girls AND I could take out all my frustrations on the field. Yes!

Its kind of funny... cause what kept me sane was also kind of what drove me crazy. I could only take it so far, and it was like I was teasing myself everytime I flirted with a drama-girl or everytime I gave a massage to my teammate.

The Reality

First off- I realize that this is a blog that all people will hate. The straight people out there won't like it, cause its about same-sex attraction; the gay people out there won't like it because its about me denying it and not wanting to be this way. If i'm off base on this, please, feel free to let me know.

SO. think a little catching up is in order, no one likes starting a story half-way through, and let's be serious, there is ALOT to tell. And bonus for you! Everything is PG. ...minus my fantasies... Those get a little out of hand... lol.

This ...situtation... is something i've struggled with on and off for about a decade. Fun, right? I never had a lot of guy friends growing up. Maybe its just my age group, or where I lived but girls out-numbered guys like 3:1. Brutal. And im not saying that proximity=lesbianism, cause if that were true, we'd ALL be in this boat. Im just saying that I had a lot of girl-friends.

My first crush? Sarah. She was my best friend. She lived a couple blocks down from my house and I found her really attractive. We were about 14 years old and inseperable. I sort of fell in love with her. Her blonde hair, her beautiful singing voice, her gorgeous eyes, the way she smelled. The worst part about my situation? I'm very religious, my family is very religious, she was very religous. And if there is one thing that God-fearin' people know, its that homosexuality is a no-no. And I wasn't gay... I just happened to really like this girl, and I would use any excuse in the book to be near her or touch her. It started off watching movies cramed on a couch and plotting to cram myself next to her, to offering to tickle her back/give her massages. I taught her how to dance. Slowly I broke her down, I got her so used to me touching her that she never thought a second about it. We'd watch movies and spoon on the couch, i'd play with her hair until she fell asleep in my lap, we'd have cuddle-sleepovers, it was great. We talked, we laughed, there was nothing we didn't share.

Too bad im a psycho. And I got jealous when she started hanging out with other people. I was about 15 when I ruined it. I don't even remember what I said to her, nothing about being jealous, or about how i loved her, i probably made up something about how she was acting like a bitch... but it was over. She didn't look at me for years following this. We just barely started talking again a few years ago, and its still cold. I don't really miss her. Maybe cause I'M the bitch.

So I guess that's where it started. Sort of. The explaination will continue....

An introduction

Hi, my name is... well... unimportant. So are all other personal identifiers. Its not who I am that matters, but what I think, what I feel, and the way I view the world around me; this is what matters.

As the title suggests- I am a woman, and I find women attractive. But i'm the only one that knows about it. And herein lies my problem. I will forever be the only one that knows. Judge me if you must, but if you do judge me, please, atleast wait until you get to know me a little better. I will explain everything.

So. This will be it. I will change names of people and places(if I feel the urge to do so) but other than that, these are my thoughts. My struggles. My Passions. My opinions. My frustration. My self. Completely unadulterated. Please, enjoy. I just needed to let a little of this out.