The Break-up

I know you cant really break up with someone you arent really going out with, but in this case you can. And I did.

She told me she loved me.
After my lil freak-out sesion, 3 hours later- She was there. Waiting for me. First thing she asked me was if I was ok. Always concerned about my well-being.

Time is kind of a funny thing, and its interesting how it changes things. I'm legitimately trying to remember exactly how I felt and what I was thinking, and I can for the most part, but parts are fuzzy, and still I question things... Really I don't know how to explain it.

Anyway, I came back and we started talking. For the first little bit it was just meaningless chit chat. Then she asked me how I really felt about her. I told her I liked her. She didn't think this was a good enough answer. So I asked her if she could love me anymore. We made the agreement that if she answered truthfully, I'd give her a real answer about her previous question. She told me she was applying for scholarships for the university here, and that she wanted to move here... This scared me. A part of me wanted her to come out here, but the other part of me really didn't cause I knew what would happen... If she was still 'in love' with me after meeting me, I'd use her as my play thing. She would've been my dirty little secret, and when I got bored of that, or when I felt like people were starting to catch on, i'd get rid of her. It wouldn't be fair to her, she would love me, and she would just be a make-out buddy.

So that made it my turn to answer honestly. I told her that I lusted after her, that I think about her everyday, I daydream about kissing her, that my heart races sometimes when im talking to her. I told her that she was my favorite sin. That I wanted her, but I couldn't. I told her that she got way too close way too fast. And I told her that I didn't want to break her heart.

Then we moved back to chit chat, talked about god for a bit. I told her to hate me. She really wanted to call me, and have a real conversation. I refused. I hate phones, and at the time I don't think I could've talked to her. Looking back right now, I kind of wish I had. But at the same time, its probably better this way. Then I realized it was really late. So I went to bed. It wasn't the final goodbye just yet. I wasn't ready to let go.

So I go on the next day. I saved the Conversation....cause im sick like that, and i'm posting most of it. It kind of crosses some privacy lines, but the thing is- you don't know me, I don't know you, you don't know her.

Angel- ..hmm... are you feeling better today?..
Me- yes and no
Angel- ...hm. why no?
Me- cause i feel bad
Me- about what i did, what im doing, and what im going to do
Angel- going to do.....
Angel- what..?
Me- im ending this
Angel- no
Me- no?
Angel- you cant.
Angel- i dont want you to
Me- please dont do this
Angel- i want to talk talk to you
Me- its hard enough as it is
Angel- i want to talk to you.
Me- i dont think that would help
Me- you dont really have a choice here
Me- its not you
Angel- IT IS
Angel- DONT EFFING SAY THAT.
Me- this is just a decision i had to make
Angel- TALK TO ME.
Me- no
Angel- I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU HERE. I WANT TO HEAR YOU
Angel- I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT
Angel- I DONT WANT ...
Angel- WHAT THE HELL....
Me- Im sorry
Me- i really am
Angel- i dont want to read this.
Angel- i feel like i dont even deserve to at least hear this in a proper and real conversation
Angel- why are you dooing this to me.
Me- i never meant to
Angel- what's wrong with me
Me- its the fact that ive been playing an effing game with you cause i cant effing help myself
Me- im emotionally disturbed, and you dont need that
Angel- then i'll help you
Angel- ..please
Me- you cant

It goes on, there is begging and pleading, and arguing, and fighting, and everything really. As if it wasn't hard enough, she made it damn-near impossible.

Angel- i know im not much, and i know i dont deserve you. but i'll work hard. im at the edge.
Angel- let me talk to you.
Me- it wont help
Angel- you dont know anything.
Me- i want you to hate me
Me- i want you to think of me as a waste of time
Me- i want you to never think about me again
Angel- ...iknow you do.
Angel- this is not the first time someone's done this to me okay.
Angel- he did this to me too..

That got me.

Angel- i dont want to stop talking to you.
Me- its not about what you want, its about what needs to hapen
Angel- why does this need to happen
Me- because im a sick, twisted, poor excuse for a human being, and i hate myself for it
Me- again, its not you. Its not your age. I cant be your friend because i cant stop myself playing with you,
Angel- playing...you're not playing with me. im well aware that you flirt with me. when you said you toy with me.. i didnt like it, but do you actually mean it?
Angel- you hate me? have you ever felt any affection for me? do you really want to leave me..
Me- i did actually mean it. And i know i am a horrible person, and i also know, that someday, im going to answer for it. I don't hate you. I couldn't hate you.


Angel- this is hurting me like alot.. but im sucking it up.. lol. i wish i was you right now.. just chill and composed. be good, and gain that confidence again, love yourself.

Oh, if she couldve only seen me in that moment. I was shaking. My heart was pounding. I was on the edge. It was almost unbearable.

Me- I know it hurts, and im sorry it does. But it will pass. I'll try and be good. You too. I wish the best for you.
Me- Goodbye, Angel
Angel- Goodbye, *****

And thats how it ended. Obviously there was more conversation than this, but you get the picture. I logged off.