The Reality

First off- I realize that this is a blog that all people will hate. The straight people out there won't like it, cause its about same-sex attraction; the gay people out there won't like it because its about me denying it and not wanting to be this way. If i'm off base on this, please, feel free to let me know.

SO. think a little catching up is in order, no one likes starting a story half-way through, and let's be serious, there is ALOT to tell. And bonus for you! Everything is PG. ...minus my fantasies... Those get a little out of hand... lol.

This ...situtation... is something i've struggled with on and off for about a decade. Fun, right? I never had a lot of guy friends growing up. Maybe its just my age group, or where I lived but girls out-numbered guys like 3:1. Brutal. And im not saying that proximity=lesbianism, cause if that were true, we'd ALL be in this boat. Im just saying that I had a lot of girl-friends.

My first crush? Sarah. She was my best friend. She lived a couple blocks down from my house and I found her really attractive. We were about 14 years old and inseperable. I sort of fell in love with her. Her blonde hair, her beautiful singing voice, her gorgeous eyes, the way she smelled. The worst part about my situation? I'm very religious, my family is very religious, she was very religous. And if there is one thing that God-fearin' people know, its that homosexuality is a no-no. And I wasn't gay... I just happened to really like this girl, and I would use any excuse in the book to be near her or touch her. It started off watching movies cramed on a couch and plotting to cram myself next to her, to offering to tickle her back/give her massages. I taught her how to dance. Slowly I broke her down, I got her so used to me touching her that she never thought a second about it. We'd watch movies and spoon on the couch, i'd play with her hair until she fell asleep in my lap, we'd have cuddle-sleepovers, it was great. We talked, we laughed, there was nothing we didn't share.

Too bad im a psycho. And I got jealous when she started hanging out with other people. I was about 15 when I ruined it. I don't even remember what I said to her, nothing about being jealous, or about how i loved her, i probably made up something about how she was acting like a bitch... but it was over. She didn't look at me for years following this. We just barely started talking again a few years ago, and its still cold. I don't really miss her. Maybe cause I'M the bitch.

So I guess that's where it started. Sort of. The explaination will continue....