The first time I said it.

Ok guys, so I neglected to tell you about the first time I said "I love You" to Courtney. And its not due to some gross oversight by yours truly, but I ommitted it because I didn't really want angel to know at the time... But now she knows, and I feel like sharing, sooo...

We had texted the words I love you a few times, but up until this point, we hadn't really said it out loud.

We were just getting home from the JV rugby tournament, she came along to help out, and the whole bus ride home, she was being kind of annoying... We got back to that parking lot, and I had had about enough of her annoyingness, she was just about to leave and she called out across the parking lot "Love You!!" ...Pretty much just stared her down "Uh-huh" She looked at me, and said it again. This time I called back "Ok", she made this hurt face "...I...Love you.." I didn't say anything to it. There were people around and she was ticking me off, so I left it at that. She was none too happy with that. I texted her later, apologized and texted her that I love her. She accepted my apology but knocked me for not being able to verbalize it...

A few nights later I was on the phone with her, we had been talking for like 3 hours, and we had kind of a moment, and I said 'I love you..' she stopped and was like "what?" So I said it again, and she was like "Oh, um... one more time...?" Jerkface... This was the legitmate first time I told her I love her, and it was kind of a moment for me, I got like butterflies, and it felt good to just tell her...

BUT

It wasn't really a moment for her i guess..(Or it was the fact that it was 2am and we were both falling asleep) cause we were hanging out a few days after that and she calls me out for not being able to say the L-word... I was taken aback, and was all...."I did say it...on the phone the other night" She told me that she didn't remember this happening. So I tell her that the next time I say it, it will be a moment that she will NEVER forget..

A week or two passes from that moment, and we are hanging out in her back alley, like we usually do. My car is parked at the opposite end of the alley from her house, and its the end of our night, she starts walking home and i'm about to get into my car... she gets about half way up the alley and she turns around and yells "I love you!" ...I look at her and respond "I told you the next time I said that, it would be a moment that you'd never forget..." (In my head it would be a moment where I kissed her) She stands there, looks at me, one hip cocked, arms folded with an 'I dare you' look on her face...

I close the door to my car and throw my keys on the ground. I hesitate for a split second, then take off up the alley, sprinting straight for her. She moves slightly cause she was afraid that I was going to tackle her... She knows me too well. I slam into her, at almost full speed(she's a rugby player, she's fine) similtaneously wrap my arms around her tight and pick her up off the ground, I spin around a few times, holding onto her as if my life depended on it. I stop, she is still in my arms feet off the ground and in one graceful move, I put her on the ground(hard)... (it may have been a little painful, but im an S&M kinda girl) I am right on top of her, half my weight pinning her down, I pin her arms down and lean my face so close to hers, I can feel her breath. This is the moment she starts to struggle a little bit, starts to fight back, but i've got her.. and she stops struggling, I give her a little eskimo kiss, and run the tip of my nose over her cheek, I whisper her name. She has her eyes closed and I spend a minute trying to get her to look at me, I again brushed my cheek against hers, and moved back a bit. I was just looking at her, I brought my hand up and brushed a piece of hair away from her face, then i traced my fingers along the side of her face, down her neck a little ways, then back up to her cheek. I rested my hand there, moved my thumb across her cheek.. then I heard her whisper "Don't kiss me"

Um.... WOW... I stopped myself for a moment.. I was actually thinking about kissing her. I shouldn't. Thats kind of where I was about to go... I was just looking at her beautiful lips in the moonlight, I could feel her breathing, I knew exactly how soft her skin was, it was this moment that I wanted to kiss her the most that I decided that I couldn't. She asked me not to, and I really....really shouldn't.

But just because I wasn't going to kiss her, doesn't mean, I was going to stop. I leaned down, let my nose graze her ear and I whispered "I love you" I stayed on top of her a while longer, just teasing her. I said it a few more times, just to get my point across... I REALLY wanted to kiss her...

I got up, pulled her to her feet and into an immediate embrace, told her good night, let her go and then ran off to my car.

Did I make a mistake?

Did I make a mistake? Part of me thinks I should've just been straight(pun?) with Tina from the start... It would've made everything so much easier for the both of us. And I say both of us, cause I feel like i've failed her a few times... just because im selfish and stupid.

Let's start at the beginning, then you will see... Ok, so you know Tina and I have been friends since high school. After I graduated, we kinda drifted apart, like everyone in high school does. I had only seen her in passing for a few years, everytime we both say we should hang out, but never do. You know how it goes. I graduated from high school in 2004. (Wow... I'm old..) December 2009 is when I heard that Tina had come out. It didn't really surprise me, but i had mixed feelings toward this. A part of me really wanted to call her up and hang out with her, but I was afraid that she might think I had ulterior motives, or that she would know that I had the same kind of feelings. Mostly I knew if I hung out with her, it would lead me into a place I wasn't ready for yet. -This was selfish. I didn't think about her situation. It didn't occur to me that she might need friends and support, I never thought that people would be hating on her. It only crossed my mind when she officially came out to me, she said she wasn't sure what I would think, she was scared that I was a hater. This kinda hurt, cause COME ON, I'm the most understanding person in the world. But it was my own fault... I'm just stupid.

Then again last weekend. I was supposed to go up there to hang out, but I ditched for a wedding. I could've gone. I should have. There was a bunch of PRIDE stuff goin on and shows and stuff I was supposed to take Courtney with me. Tino was all about us coming. She even offered to split gas. But i'm a bonehead, and didn't go. I didn't put two and two together- she just moved there, didn't have many friends, the weekend was an opportunity to go out and meet people and have a couple wingmen. I coulda helped a sister out, but im a selfish jerk and didn't go. Stupid.

I forget that other people are human. Human because they have feelings and fears and love, not because they are underhanded and manipulative.

The more I think about the more i'm convinced I should have just told Tino, that night in her room when she came out to me. I didn't because Court was there, I was afraid of what it would do to our relationship. Court said she thought I was a lesbian when she first met me anyway. Tino was surprised that I wasnt gay... They were both right. It's a vibe I give off. No one can tell me what it is exactly, but apparently, I scream Lesbo.

I had a conversation with Tina a little while ago.. She implied that she thought I was in love with Courtney... I still couldn't bring myself to let anything slip, so I said no. That I loved her, but wasn't IN love with her. I don't really know though, *I* haven't kissed her... not that i haven't come close.. Anyway, but I think since I said that, its given Tino free range on her. But this is good for me, cause I can't have her anyway... Maybe this will keep Court occupied a while.

I have a type?

Ok, so looking at my hot girl list, it kinda looks like I have a definite type... With the exception of Angel and Pink- brunettes. Musical, strong personality... same general kind of look..

Which is funny, cause in real life, I tend to prefer blondes... One of my first crushes Sarah, was a blonde. In highschool, Kaleigh was blonde. Both of them sang beautifully though...so I am a sucker for a sweet voice...

Post high school I met this girl working in Waterton, we became roommates, and boy, I had it bad for her... Her name was Laura... I met her the first summer I worked there, we became friends, I slept on her couch more times than I could count, then we decided to go back the next summer together as roommates... we pushed our beds together to create 'more space' in the room... We would spend pretty much every minute all summer together, there were a few times I legitimately wanted to kiss her... just sitting on our bed, talking about music and mountains at like midnight on a warm summers night... Yeah... I woulda been all over that, but as it went, we stayed friends, and I think for the better, I love her, and wouldn't trade hat friendship for anything. Anyway, point is- she's blonde.

And as of right now.. Courtney is blond too... But courtney doesn't really fit my usual personality type...

Oh well, I do need to make an addition to that list, I can't believe I forgot Ruby...


She has perfect lips. And everything about her... except only as the character Ruby...

...I named my car after her...

Awkward Moment When....

Awkward moment when you have an awkward moment that you really can't tell anyone about...

So... yeah, I was on google, looking up gay bars here, total freak accident, hit images... It's not as dirty as your mind is going right now, but this picture of my best friend from high school comes up. I'm totally bewildered, so I have to click on it, and it takes me to this dating site. Apparently she made a lesbian profile, I NEVER woulda thought... She's married, has three kids. Not that that has anything to do with it, but the profile fits, and im 99% that is a picture of her... the only thing that doesn't fit is the height... but come on!

Its just weird to stumble across people you know, and learn things you didn't..

But I can't tell anyone... not that I would out her like that, but if I ever said anything, people wouldn't even get around to asking about er, cause their first question, would undoubtedly be "What were you doing on a gay dating site?"

Oh well... its weird.

Hot Girl List

Ok, so I figured it was about time I made a solid list... I've been thinkin about it lately, and this is what i've got so far...


Elizabeth Hurley. Nuff said.


The lead of the accappella group Delilah Mmm, her eyes are amazing, as is her voice. She has a kind of commanding presense that is so good... Perfect teeth... scratch that, straight up perfect mouth.

Maybe I have a thing for girls that sing. The girl singing lead/beatboxing for Noteworthy Oh where do I even start... just LOOK at her. And her beatboxing is amazing. She's got kind of a boyish look. So cute. Mmmm.

Amy Lee
You could just fall into her eyes...




Lisa Marie Prestley Everything about her screams of angst.. I find that sexy.


Olivia Wilde. In every role shes played, any hair color. Mmmm.

Most of the American/UK/Aussie Gladiators...
CrushCrush CrushCrushCrushCrush..

Also Enigma, Siren, Fox, Diamond, Fire, Viper and Angel....
Hell yeah.... Angel...




Pink. The voice, the body, the tattoos, the bad girl attitude, the strong, independant personality. Oh... SO HOT.

Black and White Shades of Grey

People are shades of grey. A mix of black and white. Their lives go on like a child playing on a canvas, their experiences dictating how much black or how much white this child has to work with. Not that good experiences are white and bad experiences are black, but that each of life's experiences teach you something about yourself, and as you learn, you tend to lean either towards good or bad... The two colours mix, becoming a shade. There is vagueness, uncertainty, questions... What is really right? What is really wrong? The tone changes as the light shifts across the table the child plays on, you can't ever really tell how dark or light the grey is. Always changing, adding, shifting. There is hope in this for most, because it doesn't matter how dark the grey is, they can always add a little more white. People making decisions and act according to the shade... They are the lucky ones. Cause it doesn't matter what shade they are, it is ONE shade.

I am Black and white. They never mix. They try and find some kind of compromise, but my white is the whitest pure white, and my black is darker than the night. They may touch each other, swirl around, each one trying to snuff out the other, but they remain- black and white. Not always exactly equal, however they remain fairly close. For the majority of my childhood white won, but i've been finding as of late that the black has quite the persuasive power... This is me. My urges, my thoughts, my actions... they are either pure, and loving and beautiful... or they are twisted and manipulative, and boarder line evil. When I say that a part of me wants something, I actually mean a part. My two sides don't get along. Why would they? They are opposites. Oil and Water. I don't know how to make you understand the struggle that is inside... in everything. My White makes decisions, does things and my Black sneers and tries to steal me back... My Black makes moves, and my white knows exactly what is going on and tells me to control myself. Its far deeper than the angel/devil on your shoulder. They don't whisper in my ear, they come from within and drive my soul. And like I said, when i am good- I am GOOD... and when I am bad... it scares even me...

Round 2.

Court and I had our 2nd official fight. Ususally i'm all supportive, but I just lost it again... I really shouldn't have. It wasn't even a big deal, and I was gonna let it go, but then she gets all pissed off at me for something, and thats how it went... We both kinda had reasons to be mad, even if they were stupid reasons, so we just got mad at each other...

It sucked.

I hate it so much when we fight. And I felt really bad cause she's been dealing with a bunch of stuff, and she's kinda having a rough go at life right now... and my biggest worry in life is what i'm going to be for Halloween... I'm such a bitch.

Anyway, I sort of apologized, but continued to be a bitch, and then decided to be one right back. I held my ground and she apologized... Which is weird, cause I don't think thats ever happened. With anyone. I'm always the first to cave, to to try and make peace... but this time i wasn't... A part of me felt good that I could stand up for myself... but another part of me felt like trash cause I may have hurt her a little bit...

Anyway, we are ok now. Ok... we're not really ok... We are both still horribly screwed up messes, but the point is, we can be screwed up together.

For now.

Until I have a bout of clausterphobia in my stupid little closet...

I'm convinced that there is a back door in here somewhere... someway I can get out, without actually 'coming out'.

New Favorite Person

Ok, so i'm cruising the YouTube, stumbled across this girl... Oh my gosh, I think i'm in love! Firstly the mean girls thing-Awesome, Secondly, DANG she is FIIIIINE. Third, She is effing Hilarious.

She has a bunch of really good, like helpful, inspirational vids. Kind of awesome.

Nope... Still in the Closet..

That was a close one though... the door was open... I could see out.. Scared the shiz outta me. Slammed that door shut.

My lez friend Tino texted me. Started talking about Court... I drop hints. Say things. Flirt. Anyway, If Court doesnt know I want her... either shes an idiot, or I am just really good... I'm curious though, so I ask her if Court talks about me... Tino catches on, and kinda calls me out on it.. I panic.

I thought about telling her. Of all the people I know, she would understand the most... but I run into the problem I run into with everyone.. I dont trust them. It sounds harsh, and I dont mean it that way, but... I am boarder line paranoid. If I tell Tino, she will probably let it slip to court... maybe she wouldn't... she probably wouldn't. But there arent any guarantees. I need absolute certainty in my life. I cant afford to let people know. Especially when I plan on staying in my closet for the rest of my life. Nobody is perfect at keeping someone else's secrets. I can barely keep this one..

She asks me point blank. I write about 17 different messages to her. Erasing each immediately after I wrote it cause I couldn't bring myself to say anything... finally I just said no. I hate lying, but I had to.

I had to...

I'll tell her...She was right. Eventually... Just...Not yet. I can't. I tried. My head won't let me. And we all know how well my head and my heart get along..

146 Days

Its 146 days until rugby season officially starts...

I've been thinking lately... about how much Court is going to hate me come season... and about how much im going to miss her. Which is kinda funny, cause I'll se her more during season than I do now, but, our relationship won't be the same. I've warned her about it, but a part of me thinks she isn't going to fully understand what I am going to do. I'm gonna be a bitch. Partly on purpose, partly because i will just revert to my old self. She thinks she loves me, but i'm in control of that, I can make her hate me so fast...

But thats not what I want. I don't want her to hate me... but I don't trust her self control. I don't think she can properly handle having a fake relationship... Or at least I don't think she could last in one for 4 months.

146 days... its been 128 days since we really started being friends, and look how much trouble i've already gotten into. If our relationship keeps going at this rate... yeah... I don't even want to go there. I really want to back off, but I can't really bring myself to, im weak, and stupid... I didn't touch her for two weeks while I was in NZ, and now, its all I want to do. A few nights ago, I snuck into her backyard just to hug her, it was a reasonably long hug, but I didn't want to stop, I didn't want to put her down, but I made myself, and even when I did stop hugging her, my hand stayed on her back, my body begging me to just grab her again and never let go, and then she moved away from my hand and my heart dropped. I'm going crazy. And even now, I just want to go wrap my arms around her, bury my face in her neck and just .....ugh... I want to love her, and squeeze her till she's alllll mine... just call my Elmyra..

Anyway, to the point... I don't know what to do with the next 146 days... and even worse, the 120 days after that.

Problem

So... life is ....crap. Well, its not really life... *I* am crap. Which is to say, im an idiot. I read my last post, and... i dont even know.. its not like she belongs to me. Or ever will.

I really needed to get away. I got out of the country, and was having the time of my life, and still, all I could think about was her. She texted me everyday. I had to make a conscious effort to keep my mind busy, and off her, but every time I stopped, there she was.

The night I came home, I went straight over to her house, she was waiting outside for me, I jumped out of my car, ran over to her her and she jumped into my arms. Ugh, she felt so good. I just held her, her legs wrapped around my waist, clinging to me, I couldn't get enough of her, I never wanted to let her go. But then Tina showed up. She came down for the weekend, and I was happy to see her, but that meant I had to put Court down... It was a lil chilly so we climbed in the back of Tina's truck, Court Sat right in the middle, I sat right next to her. As a reflex, I went to put my arm around her, but stopped myself and just put my hand on the back of the seat. I wanted so bad to touch her, it was all I could do to keep my hands off her... I did fail a few times.. I let my arm slip down around her back and held on to her for a bit, but moved the second I got a hold of myself... I spent sometime running my fingers through her hair... cause... friends do that ... right?

Tina ended up leaving a bit later, leaving myself and Court alone, we talked, I brought her back a Necklace from NZ, so I put that on her. Hugged her for a long time... not nearly long enough. She told me to go to bed. I wasn't tired. She pretty much sent me home. Which was probably a good thing...



I'm in trouble. I'm kind of addicted to her. And I can't let her know, and I have to find some way to kick this addiction without hurting her. Fleeing the country didn't work at all. I envision these conversations where I would just tell her everything... but I cant. She wants to know why I pushed the coach/player issue- Not because we cant be friends, but because I was attracted to her, and I could already see myself slipping. She wants to know why I put a limit on how many texts we can send per day- Because I was afraid of getting attached to her. She wants to know why I flipped out that one day, when I sort of broke up with her- That day she told me that she could tell when my head was winning, and when my heart was winning. I thought she knew. She wants to know why I was a total bitch to her the day she told me she was dating Jordan- I couldn't control my jealousy, no matter how hard I tried. She wants to know why i'm acting weird- I have difficulty controlling myself around her... I've almost kissed her like 6 times, and i've wanted to kiss her like 1000...I just want to hold her, and never let go... I want to fall asleep beside her, I want to run my hands all over her, I just want to breathe her in..

I need to back it off... but im in too deep and I don't know how, and I can't get her out of my head.

I can't be in love with a 16 year old...