Feels better.

So I came out. Well, that's a lie... technically she already knew, but we talked about it. At the time I didn't think it really counted, but I'm starting to think it did, cause... I feel ....better...

So, Jo, Angel's girlfriend and I are... friends? ..acquaintances? ....something.... Anyway, every now and then we have little chats. And the other day, I felt like I needed some more perspective on being gay, so I asked her what her story was, you know, when she started figuring things out, who she told, how she did it, regrets, things... You know, stuff. I don't have rights to her story, but she told me this-

JO-

Umm I regretted a lot of things in the beginning .. ..

I told a few friends here and there.. It was really hard in the beginning cause people started changing their views of me however things got a Lot better in the long run..,

I don't know if I have a legitimate story but I'll tell you what I struggle with is accepting myself... Recently it's been getting easier however I know there will be a lot more obstacles coming my way ..it's life... no matter if your straight,gay,bi,purple or blue.. It's gonna be a pile of crap sometimes ...I want to be with someone I love and if that means I'm gonna go through shit.. Then bring it on..ill risk anything if it's worth fighting for- whats the point of hiding... You want to look back at your life and know that you stayed true to yourself.. Be you.. Your not living for any one else on this planet

Your a pretty smart girl... You just need to learn how to love yourself sometimes...

Jo is the smart one. I read that, and kinda took it to heart... I went to write her back, and verbal vomit kinda started and I puked this out...

" That's my biggest problem...being a "smart" girl, Cause whenever something is a battle between my head and my heart, my head almost always wins...

Thanks for the thoughts. Figuring stuff out sucks. The stupid thing is I've had feelings for girls forever, and about 13 years ago is kinda when I started to figure those feelings out, and the thought kinda crossed my mind that I might be gay, but I wouldn't accept that, so I've spent over a decade now trying to fight it... I've thoroughly convinced myself that I like boys, but deep down I can't get rid of those feelings for girls. Drives me nuts. I've never kissed a girl cause I'm terrified that I might like it way more than kissing boys.

Lately I've started to just hate myself. And a part of me wants to just give up the fight, but my head tells me that I can win, and its too stubborn to quit. I'm kind of afraid of what people will think, and I know a number of people aren't going to like it, but I think a lot of people already know... apparently I give off that vibe. And I've never really been concerned with what people think, the thing is- Its something that I can't fully accept. If my heart wins, my head with resent it forever. Especially when tough times roll around. And I know its stupid cause I'm miserable right now... I don't WANT to be this way. And I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it really cause for me to talk about it would be admitting it, and its not something you can take back.

Besides that, I can't physically make myself say anything. I've had opportunities to, but I can never just say it. A (les)friend of mine actually kind of called me out on it over text, and I typed and erased like 17 messages, trying to explain what was going on, but I couldn't send them. Eventually I just denied it. And out of all the people in the world, she would understand the most, and I trust her, and she would be the perfect person to tell... and I can't.


Wow.......

I'm sorry... i just kinda.....let that go....

Didn't mean to dump....that just came out... Sorry"

Yeah... That just happened. I've never told anyone that before. I mean, I write the blog, and the time I was with Angel, she got the gist of it... But I've never really talked about it.


Jo

"Np... It's all about you... . Remember the first step is always the hardest.. No matter how cliche that line may be... It's also very true..you told me lol and my view of you has not changed... Give people a chance... I promise you that if you never actually reveal your true self... You will Never find real happiness ... Your acting like a teenager... Your not in highschool anymore brah.. Your a cool person... Grow some balls woman...

If you ever do come out... You will regret it at first...However it will be worth it in the long run...people already think your gay... You just make yourself look bad with the lies...not all People are dense...

Life's a bitch..only thing you can really do is make it your bitch lol... Hopefully that makes sense"

My response-
Pft. Me telling you doesn't count, you already knew. IM NOT acting like a teenager!! Lol, it does make sense... it also made me smile.

I think thats the first thing I need to do... experiment a bit, figure things out.

Jo

I think you have things figured out.., just to scared to admit the truth... You can't handle the truth lohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifl... Don't hurt any people along the way of self discovery... Experimenting can be fun.. Just be careful.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif



Solid advice... I have a bad track record with hurting people... as per my previous post about me hurting people and ruining lives...

Anyway, since talking to her, I feel better... So... Thanks Jo.