And thus it continued.

So. MSN. This brings us to mid-April. And the conversation that led us into the privacy of MSN was about how I was torn between my religion, and my desires. It been a struggle for a long time. It was the first time i'd ever gotten into this conversation with anyone, and it was the first time i'd had a really serious conversation with her. It kind of made me sick. I'd never actually admitted to liking girls. It was a conversation of firsts, the whole time my chest was tight, my breathing shallow, and it made me nervous to actually be talking about it. I do and I don't like girls. I can't.

I told her, tried to convince her that she didn't want anything to do with the screwed up mess that I am. I told her she should've just left me alone. I explained to her that I couldn't accept this because its not something I could live with. And deep down I know its wrong. I kept trying to explain it, but a part of me didn't want to. Its like ive got a split personality... and it sucks. She stayed. I have no idea why, but she wanted to help me. I have NO idea why, but she liked me. Which scared me.

She told me that I was the first girl she had ever liked. I didn't like this. My own corruption is one thing... but I did not want to be her transition object. I told her about Afton. It changed from a conversation about what is right and wrong to a conversation about...I don't even know what...It was basically me trying to explain how messed up I am. Then she called me out. She asked me whether or not I liked her. Honestly at the time, I wasn't sure. I was leaning towards the no, cause if I admitted having feelings for her, it just took me one step closer to the edge. And I wasn't willing to really put myself out there. Then she explained how she had already put herself out there, and was willing to do it again. I didn't want to call it anything just yet. I couldn't make a decision either way. My biggest problem is that im selfish, but I don't know what I want.

So we defined our relationship again. We were friends. And we were just getting to know each other. Then we put that conversation away and continued our get to know you question game...


I cant even explain now what I tried to tell her, I couldn't understand why she liked me, she couldn't like me, shes never even met me!! I didn't like that I wasn't in control...everything about this, made me uncomfortable...