The End

She broke my heart.

I'm done.

Tina

I told Tina.

Last weekend I decided to go up there. Second time i've gone all by myself. I told you I was gonna tell her, and I did. It took me all weekend to get it out, but I did.

I kind of let the beast out of the cage. It was still on a chain, but it definitely had some freedom. Saturday night was just the usual spooning/cuddlefest, except for one point during the night.. I was on my back, and she was curled up to my side, her head on my shoulder and her arm draped up my stomach. Not across, up. So her hand was resting on my chest, and she stroked/massaged my chest for a while. Felt So good.

Sunday morning however, was a different kind of story. We woke up cuddling, started talking, and we talked for a while, then the subject turned to dominance in a relationship, and I always make fun of Tina for this, cause she always tells me that she is usually the dominant one in relationships, we even had a few conversations where she was all "You can't top a top" Well... I CAN top a top. I take her wrist and pin it against the wall, and start to act all predatory. I crawl on top of her, and hover just about her lips, breathing her in, getting so close. She looks at me, and asks if I'm going to really do it. I get a hold of my beast, cause thats too far, I can't actually kiss her... But I end up kind of seducing her... a little bit. But her friend was coming over to go out for brunch, so it didn't get too far.

We went out for brunch, her friend had to go to work, so we went to the mall, just hung out, got some bubble tea. Bought the most comfortable shirt ever. Went to the asian food market. We were going home, and I could tell Tina was tired, I suggested we have a little nap before I have to drive home...

We didn't nap.

When we got back to her place, I made a joke about picking up where I left off that morning. Im a horrible person. I get her on her back and straddle her one leg, letting her feel my weight pressing into her hip, again, I give her the "you are my toy" look... And I def pick up where I left off. I set a time limit on it though, just so I don't get carried away. The worst part of this whole thing, was the fact that I had Tina convinced that I was still straight, and I was just doing this cause I loved to torture her. Which is mostly true, but I will admit... turned me on. But the timer went off, so I stopped cold. Wow that sucked. We started talking a bit, and I dared her to do to me when I was doing to her, for 10 seconds... Oh wow... DAMN. Best/worst 10 seconds of my life. It kind of made me feel bad that I was doing that to her. Cause it was so good... then bam, it stopped. UGH.

So... we kept on talking, we talked about Court, we talked about me... It was hard. And awkward, I didn't know what to say, how to say it. I asked her if she remembered the conversation we had the other weekend when she was drunk... she didn't, so I refreshed her memory.. yeah... she took it really well. I told her that I felt kind bad for lying to her about it, she understood. That is why I love Tina. She gets it.

So I left, LATE, driving home, I had a freak out. I just told someone. I just came out. What the hell was I thinking?!? I texted her and freaked out, she calmed me down, reassured me... And basically spent the whole ride home freaking out... not to mention the fact that I was so turned on I wanted to die. Ugh. She thinks she didn't turn me on. Silly Tina. Me being able to run my hands (and lips) all over her, then her turning on me, even if it was just a few moments... mmm.

So, I'm on my way out... but im more freaked out than out-out.

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This weekend i'm going back up. Ha. I was talking to Courtney and she was talking about how much she missed Tina, and I was all "well, you should have come with me last weekend" And she's like, "we could go right now." Pft, I'm gonna call that bluff.

She never comes, she always makes an excuse, backs out...

She wasn't bluffing.

Gaydar

So, rugby season is starting up again, and we have a couple new girls helping out with coaching. A couple months ago I found out that a girl that was student teaching at the highschool wanted to help out, a couple of the girls said that she reminded them of me. My first thought? Oh, she's probably gay. Ha.

We had out first coaches meeting at Pop's pub, solid choice. Mmm. Anyway, I walked in, and sat down, and immediately my thought was, this chick reminds me of Angel's girlfriend. I introduced myself, shook her hand and then thought, yup, shes gay. Just a thought, I wasn't totally sure yet, but I totally got the vibe from her. We discussed coachy types of things and she had to leave early cause of ringette(gay).

The next couple weeks were interesting. She dropped more hints than I did. Little things...I drove her home from practice everyday, and she just got more and more comfortable, she would take my ipod, find the gayest music on it(tegan and sara, ladyhawke, ect.) It was a lot the way she talked. I'm just gonna say this, my gaydar is awesome. We had another coaches meeting at the bar, and it started out just me and her, she ran into a couple of her friends, and they got to talking, and this is when it was all confirmed. Bingo, I'm right.

I kind of am attracted to her. Not gonna lie, she's got a smokin hot body. And she's just cool, and chill. Totally my type. And so I flirt. H-core. She said she was skipping practice cause she was sick, I happened to be at the drugstore... brought her soup and cough drops... A part of me thinks she's kind of into me too.. That night after our coaches meeting, she got a lil drunk, and I drove her home, like I always do, and when we pulled up to her house, she turns to me and asks "So... are you just gonna go home?" And im like- Probably, i've got nothing else to do tonight. Then she's like "Well... you could come in... and hang out for a while." ...I hesitate for a second, but think, pft, nothings gonna happen.. So I say yes, and we go inside. This is about midnight, and we spend the next four hours just talking and hanging out, like we were old friends... a little flirting... no big.

The next weekend rolls around, and I get this text from her "I'm depressed, come over?" Oh, I can't resist that. So I go grab her some McD's and go over there, and we spend hours on end just hanging out. I leave and she texts me that she had a great time. Mhmm... I know.

I've got her figured out, but I can tell see is still trying to figure me out. Poor girl. I like this game. Make her think one thing, drop hints, and then switch... I'm a cruel, horrible person... I'll let her know sooner or later... Maybe she will get bold enough to really find out...

More confessions..

So... Tina broke up with her girlfriend. Its funny... The night before she told me I had a dream about it. Awkward. Anyway, The day she told me, I offered to drive up and see her that night. Kind of extreme, whatever, but we decided that I would come up on a weekend and we would hang out.

SO, that weekend is this weekend... aka tomorrow. I've been thinking that I am gonna tell Tina... Tell her everything. It scares me, SO BAD. I want to, but I don't and I don't know how it will go... pretty much, i've been freaking out. Cause the first time I was up there, I kinda let myself go, and while she was pretty drunk, I sort of told her, but I don't know if she remembers... And then the last time I was up there, either she was H-core humoring me, or I succeeded in convincing her that im straight... I don't know.

I lied to her a lot. She gave me every opportunity to come out gracefully, but im an idiot, so... She called me out on being in love with Court. I denied it. She asked me if I wanted to kiss Court, I said no. Lies.

I don't even know where I would start... what do I say? Umm, Hey, Tina. Remember that time I said 80/20...its more like a 40/60... and thats pushing it, and me trying to kill it. You figured yourself out a couple years ago? And embraced it? Oh... I've known since I was about 12, and I've beat it, tried to kill it and have been keeping it in a cage for 13 years... It makes me hate myself. I've let it out a couple times, and there are moments that it sticks its claws through the bars, but more or less ive been pretty good at keeping it locked up. I want to put it away, locked somewhere forever, but I don't know how long I can hold out. Its like trying to kick a heroine addiction. No, Its worse. Cause when you are trying to kick heroine, you don't walk down the street and accidentally shoot up, I walk down the street, see a pretty girl, and bam-there we go again.

At this point I don't know what to do. If I tell her, is she gonna start encouraging me to come out? Will it change things between us? I refuse to act on it, because I don't actually want to know what i'm missing. But every time my animal sticks its claw out and catches something, my curiosity grows a little more. There have been moments where I've been caught up, where the beast almost escapes, example- Courtney. But a part of me manages to pull it back in. The beast is getting stronger. I almost kissed Tina once, but I didn't, why? Cause as animalistic as that side of me is, it respected the fact that she had a girlfriend... but now she doesn't have a girlfriend... what if something happens?

Only in my head does anything ever happen. In my head I live in a world where I am hotstuff, and things do happen. But then I come back to reality, where nothing happens, cause i'm not the seductress I claim to be, no one actually wants me, and therefore nothing will happen.

I'm driving myself crazy. And this is why I'm telling Tina. I HAVE to tell SOMEBODY! And I trust Tina. And out of all the people in this world, I think she would understand the most.

Vando-over

Now that you have made it through that poorly written 5th grade ish rendition of "How I spent my spring vacation" ...Again I'm sorry you had to read that... you can enjoy a real post!

Driving to Van, I wasn't sure if I was more excited to see Claudia, or Angel...

I've been looking forward to this week for a month now, its nice to just get away away from Alberta and its religious oppression. Lol, ok, its not that bad. But I feel like I can do and say whatever I want out there.

The best part of this whole thing was that I got both needs filled... I really enjoy talking to Angel, and I can talk about things with her that I can't talk about to anyone else. And my relationship with Claudia is very physical... I've been lacking that lately. It just sucks that I can't get both from one person.. cause I can't talk to Claudia... and I really can't touch Angel.

To answer my ponderings of who I was more excited to see... when I saw Angel, I waited by my car for her to walk over, and we hugged. When I saw Claudia, I had just barely gotten out of my car, and she came out of her house, and smashed my hand and walked into my car door trying to get to her... Winner.

I wasn't actually that tired... but I faked tired just so I could cuddle with her on her bed. Pretty much ima ho. We just fit together so well. I curled up against her, she was lying on her back and I put my head on her shoulder. It felt so good... she started running her fingers along my skin, and I shivered. I believe her exact words were, "Yeah, I still remember" (Referring to her knowing just how to touch me) I love and hate that she knows... Again, She is very straight. Despite how I make it sound. There were moments that I wondered... but no. I missed sleeping(just sleeping) with her soo much. I was a little scared though... I really didn't want to, in some half asleep state, make any kind of move on her... So every night I would spend like 5 minutes, just telling myself that it was not ok to do stuff with her, and I made an effort to not cuddle her as much as I usually would/would like to. Not for any other reason really, than the fact that it would feel like I'm talking advantage of her. And I hate that thats a line I have to draw now.

My body temperature drops when I sleep, she apparently forgot this... its why we made such good bed mates- she is a furnace when she sleeps. One night she noticed how cold my skin was, and she is like 'whats wrong with you?' Now, I don't feel cold inside, and it doesn't bother me... i'm just cold to the touch. She wanted to warm me up, she she told me to turn around cause she was gonna spoon me. No one spoons me. It makes me feel uncomfortable... She did. She legit made me roll over and spooned me till she was satisfied that I wasn't dying. On another night, apparently I told myslef a little too well to leave her alone, cause subconsciously I tried to keep space between us... how? by trying to push her away/off the bed... my bad. Lol.

I did get my fill of cuddle time though, so mission accomplished.

Its kind of weird having someone actually know about my gayness. I talked to Angel about Courtney a little bit. It was nice to have someone to talk to, someone I didn't have to lie to, and hide from. Both of them are really cool. And I wished I could've spent more time with them.

Vancouver

I went to Vancouver for reading week. Just needed to get away, so I went to see Claudia. The plan was to hang out with Claudia for 5 days, then head to Fairmont and meet up with some friends there for a couple days. And while I was out in Van, I planned on seeing Angel while I was out there too. In fact I was going to see her before I made it to Claudia's house.

I left my house at around 6pm on Friday, drove for about 10 hours ish, made it to Kamloops, I coulda kept going but decided the roads sucked enough, and that I needed a little sleep to make it through the following day, so I decided to stop. The 10 hours just flew by. I got into Vancouver area around noon, went to pick up Angel from the mall, which was kind of a gong show... then we went to get her girlfriend Jo. Maybe it was only funny to me, but I found it funny that I had only ever seen Angel face to face one time previously. And that one time was only for about an hour an a half... Anyway, so, I didn't really stop anywhere between sleeping and picking up Angel... so my car was pretty much a giant mess. We got to Jo's house and I get out of the car and try to move stuff around and clear a place for Jo to sit, she walks up behind me, says hi, I kind of ignore her for a few seconds while rearranging the last pile of crap, then I turn around and say hey. Then Angel was all "Aren't you guys going to hug?" ...cause thats not awkward... Yeah, sure I'll hug your girlfriend. We both got in the car and Angel gives me heck for lingering. I did NOT linger. It was just a hug.

We drove to Angel's rugby game, it was pouring still. And I love rugby in the rain, but I won't just sit there and watch it in the rain, unless it is teams I care about or people that I know... this was neither, so Jo and I went inside to watch and Angel went to join her team. Had a solid half hour chat with her. I like Jo. I had to make a conscious effort not to flirt with her... Just kept reminding myself that she is 7 years younger than me... yup...

After that I went over to Claudia's house, Oh man, sometimes I forget how much I miss her. ...I walked into my car door when I saw her... awkward. Haha. At this point in time, I was pretty tired, so we just chilled on her bed, caught up, talked, cuddled, I played the guitar for her, it was just nice. Too bad she's straight.

The next day she took me to the Aquarium. Best da(te)y ever. Oh my gosh if I had a girlfriend or boyfriend, or really anything, this is where I would take them. Sheer perfection. Minus my splitting headache. For reals, worst headache ever. Then we went for sushi. Mmm. Fish on the coast is so much better than out on the prairies.

Its kind of funny, I was constantly surrounded by Asians, and all we ate was Asian food... New appreciation for Asians? Check. Love it. Um, my favorite was dodgeball. Like in the movie... real, competitive, ridiculousness. I got drafted to a team called the "Jagerbommers" appropriate cause im the most sober person you will ever meet. Hahaha, we rocked it though. played 6 games won 4...or 5.. So much fun, other than the fact that I sprained my thumb blocking a bullet... bugger still hurts. We went to the bar after hung out with the dodgeball people, played a drinking game(I had water, don't worry) overall so fun. I also spent some time up at the lake, on the beach with my guitar. That was Wednesday, the only day it didn't rain... Actually it did rain, but not till later.

Hung out with Angel a couple more times... We ended up going to one of Jo's games... Ive only heard about her god-like basketball skills, and now I got to see them in person! They stomped the other team, but not by as much as I expected. A funny thing did happen during the game, didn't even notice I was doing it till half way into the 3rd... we were sitting on bleachers, and apparently I kept moving towards angel, and she kept moving away... For real, didn't even notice till we were like a foot and a half over from where we sat down. In my head, I wondered if she was doing it consciously... I don't know if she noticed though. Its not like I wanted to be close to her, we were talking and I was showing her stuff on my phone, which required proximity... but I guess she has a huge personal bubble... oh well.

Afterwards the three of us went for Pho. Asian soup... it was pretty decent. Angel didn't know who Shania Twain was... Jo and I had a little bonding moment over her, ha ha ha. We talked about a bunch of stuff... The whole thing made me kind of jealous. Jealous that Jo had Angel, or that Angel had Jo, or just the fact that I didn't have anybody. They are just so dern cute together.

I dropped both of them off at Jo's house, this was the last time I'd see them before I left, so I got out to hug them goodbye. I hugged Jo... for a prolonged period of time... "lingering hug" I'll show what it is to linger, and I ran my hands up across her back. Sometimes I do things just to tick Angel off... But then again... Jo gives great hugs. Mmmm. She is the perfect height, and it made me more jealous that Angel got to hug that everyday. But then I hugged Angel, and she held on longer that I planned to... sooo, I don't know who won that one. I like hugging Angel too... she's just so little!

Whenever i'm around Angel, the gay comes out in me. Its so nice not to have to hide; to have someone know all about you, someone that understands your deep dark secret... But at the same time, I don't really like it, cause I have to check myself more thoroughly when I go back to my regular crowd. It felt good to be free to act that way, without any judgement, or worry that someone would notice. I'm in the same place that i've been for the last 13 years... hopelessly torn between the two places that will never meet. And I know I say it felt good... but the problem... is it doesn't feel good enough.

I'm a girl..

I'm sorry I'm a girl, and I do stupid girl things and have stupid girl emotions. Honestly sometimes I HATE that i'm female and am subject to hormones and everything that goes along with it... Thats whats talking right now- the hormones. Life Sucks. Thats all there is to it. People are crap, life is crap, *I* am crap. Why can't things just be easy? Why can't things just work out for ONE FUCKING second??

I don't like the word 'lonely' -its stupid. And I'm not lonely. Frustrated yes.

Since the beginning of time, i've been the dominant one, I'm the one that makes the moves, im the aggressor, the predator, the comforter, the protector, the guide, the fixer. I'm the one people come to. You need anything, I'm there. Its who I am. And I'm ok with that. I like it even. Its my job title- "The Protector" Its what i do. But it comes with certain job qualities... or maybe its just the way I play the role..

I don't have any of my own emotions. My problems are insignificant as compared to others'... I have nothing to complain about. I am not bankrupt, I haven't had a miscarriage in the last month, I haven't tried to have a baby 6 times and failed, My parents are still together, I've never been raped or sexually assulted, I've never been kicked out of my house, My children don't fight me and my husband isn't on disability, I don't have any major health problems, I've never really had an eating disorder, I'm not dying, no one close to me has committed suicide, I haven't lost any loved ones recently, I'm not in an abusive relationship(except with myself), I have a job and a car, my friends don't use me, and most of the time, I can sleep through the night. So...really, I don't have any problems. Obviously my life is perfect. Can't complain.

No really. It feels like I can't complain... all my friends, people I love and trust... the only people I actually talk to... they are part of the list. All the things not wrong with me? Yeah, those are actual people. I have friends that have been raped. I have a friend that has miscarried 3 babies. I have a friend that has such major health issues, she hasn't been able to work for a year and a half. Several of my friends have/had eating disorders. My roommate can't really sleep. Ever. They all come to me. Cry to me. Unload their emotional U-haul. And I put their crap into my storage. Pushing my own issues deeper and deeper.

That was a tangent. The point of this blog here... If im a girl... and do girl things, and have girl emotions... shouldn't someone, somewhere treat me like a girl? Granted, im hard to handle, and I don't give up control easy(ever), but I need someone to take it from me. I'm tired of being strong. Of being the one to hold you and tell you its alright. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to just love me back. I need someone to help me... I'm drowning in myself. Why won't somebody save me?

...I know why... I've mastered the art of hide and seek. I will see you, your faults, your weekness, your needs, and I will help you, without fail... But i'll never let you see mine. I hide them, bury them, make distractions.. no one notices. And you don't offer help to those who don't ned it right? I guess its my own fault. I need someone to see that something is wrong. I just want someone that will see me.

I want to curl up on someone's lap. I want them to run their fingers through my hair and down my neck. I want THEM to kiss ME. I don't want to be the instigator anymore. I want someone that makes me feel safe. I want to feel wanted, loved...really loved.

I need to be loved.