I'm a girl..

I'm sorry I'm a girl, and I do stupid girl things and have stupid girl emotions. Honestly sometimes I HATE that i'm female and am subject to hormones and everything that goes along with it... Thats whats talking right now- the hormones. Life Sucks. Thats all there is to it. People are crap, life is crap, *I* am crap. Why can't things just be easy? Why can't things just work out for ONE FUCKING second??

I don't like the word 'lonely' -its stupid. And I'm not lonely. Frustrated yes.

Since the beginning of time, i've been the dominant one, I'm the one that makes the moves, im the aggressor, the predator, the comforter, the protector, the guide, the fixer. I'm the one people come to. You need anything, I'm there. Its who I am. And I'm ok with that. I like it even. Its my job title- "The Protector" Its what i do. But it comes with certain job qualities... or maybe its just the way I play the role..

I don't have any of my own emotions. My problems are insignificant as compared to others'... I have nothing to complain about. I am not bankrupt, I haven't had a miscarriage in the last month, I haven't tried to have a baby 6 times and failed, My parents are still together, I've never been raped or sexually assulted, I've never been kicked out of my house, My children don't fight me and my husband isn't on disability, I don't have any major health problems, I've never really had an eating disorder, I'm not dying, no one close to me has committed suicide, I haven't lost any loved ones recently, I'm not in an abusive relationship(except with myself), I have a job and a car, my friends don't use me, and most of the time, I can sleep through the night. So...really, I don't have any problems. Obviously my life is perfect. Can't complain.

No really. It feels like I can't complain... all my friends, people I love and trust... the only people I actually talk to... they are part of the list. All the things not wrong with me? Yeah, those are actual people. I have friends that have been raped. I have a friend that has miscarried 3 babies. I have a friend that has such major health issues, she hasn't been able to work for a year and a half. Several of my friends have/had eating disorders. My roommate can't really sleep. Ever. They all come to me. Cry to me. Unload their emotional U-haul. And I put their crap into my storage. Pushing my own issues deeper and deeper.

That was a tangent. The point of this blog here... If im a girl... and do girl things, and have girl emotions... shouldn't someone, somewhere treat me like a girl? Granted, im hard to handle, and I don't give up control easy(ever), but I need someone to take it from me. I'm tired of being strong. Of being the one to hold you and tell you its alright. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to just love me back. I need someone to help me... I'm drowning in myself. Why won't somebody save me?

...I know why... I've mastered the art of hide and seek. I will see you, your faults, your weekness, your needs, and I will help you, without fail... But i'll never let you see mine. I hide them, bury them, make distractions.. no one notices. And you don't offer help to those who don't ned it right? I guess its my own fault. I need someone to see that something is wrong. I just want someone that will see me.

I want to curl up on someone's lap. I want them to run their fingers through my hair and down my neck. I want THEM to kiss ME. I don't want to be the instigator anymore. I want someone that makes me feel safe. I want to feel wanted, loved...really loved.

I need to be loved.