More confessions..

So... Tina broke up with her girlfriend. Its funny... The night before she told me I had a dream about it. Awkward. Anyway, The day she told me, I offered to drive up and see her that night. Kind of extreme, whatever, but we decided that I would come up on a weekend and we would hang out.

SO, that weekend is this weekend... aka tomorrow. I've been thinking that I am gonna tell Tina... Tell her everything. It scares me, SO BAD. I want to, but I don't and I don't know how it will go... pretty much, i've been freaking out. Cause the first time I was up there, I kinda let myself go, and while she was pretty drunk, I sort of told her, but I don't know if she remembers... And then the last time I was up there, either she was H-core humoring me, or I succeeded in convincing her that im straight... I don't know.

I lied to her a lot. She gave me every opportunity to come out gracefully, but im an idiot, so... She called me out on being in love with Court. I denied it. She asked me if I wanted to kiss Court, I said no. Lies.

I don't even know where I would start... what do I say? Umm, Hey, Tina. Remember that time I said 80/20...its more like a 40/60... and thats pushing it, and me trying to kill it. You figured yourself out a couple years ago? And embraced it? Oh... I've known since I was about 12, and I've beat it, tried to kill it and have been keeping it in a cage for 13 years... It makes me hate myself. I've let it out a couple times, and there are moments that it sticks its claws through the bars, but more or less ive been pretty good at keeping it locked up. I want to put it away, locked somewhere forever, but I don't know how long I can hold out. Its like trying to kick a heroine addiction. No, Its worse. Cause when you are trying to kick heroine, you don't walk down the street and accidentally shoot up, I walk down the street, see a pretty girl, and bam-there we go again.

At this point I don't know what to do. If I tell her, is she gonna start encouraging me to come out? Will it change things between us? I refuse to act on it, because I don't actually want to know what i'm missing. But every time my animal sticks its claw out and catches something, my curiosity grows a little more. There have been moments where I've been caught up, where the beast almost escapes, example- Courtney. But a part of me manages to pull it back in. The beast is getting stronger. I almost kissed Tina once, but I didn't, why? Cause as animalistic as that side of me is, it respected the fact that she had a girlfriend... but now she doesn't have a girlfriend... what if something happens?

Only in my head does anything ever happen. In my head I live in a world where I am hotstuff, and things do happen. But then I come back to reality, where nothing happens, cause i'm not the seductress I claim to be, no one actually wants me, and therefore nothing will happen.

I'm driving myself crazy. And this is why I'm telling Tina. I HAVE to tell SOMEBODY! And I trust Tina. And out of all the people in this world, I think she would understand the most.