Flirting? I'm Flattered..

I don't care what anyone says, if someone flirts with you, its a total self esteem boost, straight or not. Personally, I find it dang flattering when girls hit on me. I just hate when I'm too self concious to flirt back.

I played rugby for the LRC, and one day, I went to practice not feeling very good, so I'm sitting on the bleachers, watchin practice with a couple of the other injureds. About half the practice passes, then this girl walks up and sits with myself and another girl, starts talkin, introduces herself, says her name is Rachel. Now, i've been 'warned' by my teammates about the girls on the team who were 'dykes' and she happened to be on the list, I didn't mind at all... We make small talk, I ask her what position she plays, she said scrumhalf. She asked me what position I played, I told her I played prop. She made this surprised face and was like "Really?!" I said Yeah... what position did you think I played? And she is all "I woulda said wing, or inside center..." Aww shucks... For anyone that isn't familiar with rugby... thats a compliment. She thinks I look quick and sleek... Usually callin a forward a back is an insult, but they way she meant it...made me feel good about myself. Inside, I was like, mmm I like this girl.. Its just too bad we weren't alone. I couldn't flirt back... people might notice.

Point is- I don't care where it comes from, its totally flattering to be flirted with. Love it. Everytime I think about that moment it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy..

Feels better.

So I came out. Well, that's a lie... technically she already knew, but we talked about it. At the time I didn't think it really counted, but I'm starting to think it did, cause... I feel ....better...

So, Jo, Angel's girlfriend and I are... friends? ..acquaintances? ....something.... Anyway, every now and then we have little chats. And the other day, I felt like I needed some more perspective on being gay, so I asked her what her story was, you know, when she started figuring things out, who she told, how she did it, regrets, things... You know, stuff. I don't have rights to her story, but she told me this-

JO-

Umm I regretted a lot of things in the beginning .. ..

I told a few friends here and there.. It was really hard in the beginning cause people started changing their views of me however things got a Lot better in the long run..,

I don't know if I have a legitimate story but I'll tell you what I struggle with is accepting myself... Recently it's been getting easier however I know there will be a lot more obstacles coming my way ..it's life... no matter if your straight,gay,bi,purple or blue.. It's gonna be a pile of crap sometimes ...I want to be with someone I love and if that means I'm gonna go through shit.. Then bring it on..ill risk anything if it's worth fighting for- whats the point of hiding... You want to look back at your life and know that you stayed true to yourself.. Be you.. Your not living for any one else on this planet

Your a pretty smart girl... You just need to learn how to love yourself sometimes...

Jo is the smart one. I read that, and kinda took it to heart... I went to write her back, and verbal vomit kinda started and I puked this out...

" That's my biggest problem...being a "smart" girl, Cause whenever something is a battle between my head and my heart, my head almost always wins...

Thanks for the thoughts. Figuring stuff out sucks. The stupid thing is I've had feelings for girls forever, and about 13 years ago is kinda when I started to figure those feelings out, and the thought kinda crossed my mind that I might be gay, but I wouldn't accept that, so I've spent over a decade now trying to fight it... I've thoroughly convinced myself that I like boys, but deep down I can't get rid of those feelings for girls. Drives me nuts. I've never kissed a girl cause I'm terrified that I might like it way more than kissing boys.

Lately I've started to just hate myself. And a part of me wants to just give up the fight, but my head tells me that I can win, and its too stubborn to quit. I'm kind of afraid of what people will think, and I know a number of people aren't going to like it, but I think a lot of people already know... apparently I give off that vibe. And I've never really been concerned with what people think, the thing is- Its something that I can't fully accept. If my heart wins, my head with resent it forever. Especially when tough times roll around. And I know its stupid cause I'm miserable right now... I don't WANT to be this way. And I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it really cause for me to talk about it would be admitting it, and its not something you can take back.

Besides that, I can't physically make myself say anything. I've had opportunities to, but I can never just say it. A (les)friend of mine actually kind of called me out on it over text, and I typed and erased like 17 messages, trying to explain what was going on, but I couldn't send them. Eventually I just denied it. And out of all the people in the world, she would understand the most, and I trust her, and she would be the perfect person to tell... and I can't.


Wow.......

I'm sorry... i just kinda.....let that go....

Didn't mean to dump....that just came out... Sorry"

Yeah... That just happened. I've never told anyone that before. I mean, I write the blog, and the time I was with Angel, she got the gist of it... But I've never really talked about it.


Jo

"Np... It's all about you... . Remember the first step is always the hardest.. No matter how cliche that line may be... It's also very true..you told me lol and my view of you has not changed... Give people a chance... I promise you that if you never actually reveal your true self... You will Never find real happiness ... Your acting like a teenager... Your not in highschool anymore brah.. Your a cool person... Grow some balls woman...

If you ever do come out... You will regret it at first...However it will be worth it in the long run...people already think your gay... You just make yourself look bad with the lies...not all People are dense...

Life's a bitch..only thing you can really do is make it your bitch lol... Hopefully that makes sense"

My response-
Pft. Me telling you doesn't count, you already knew. IM NOT acting like a teenager!! Lol, it does make sense... it also made me smile.

I think thats the first thing I need to do... experiment a bit, figure things out.

Jo

I think you have things figured out.., just to scared to admit the truth... You can't handle the truth lohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifl... Don't hurt any people along the way of self discovery... Experimenting can be fun.. Just be careful.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif



Solid advice... I have a bad track record with hurting people... as per my previous post about me hurting people and ruining lives...

Anyway, since talking to her, I feel better... So... Thanks Jo.

The Vibe

I've mentioned before that I give off some kind of Lesbo-vibe... I started thinking about it, and ya know, taking a good hard look at myself, and you know what? Its kind of a no-brainer...

I've shopped in the men's clothing section ALL my life.

I Love cats.

I'm really comfortable around women.

I play/act/ am one of the guys.

I do guy stuff better than a lot of guys..

I love IKEA.

I play rugby.

I like Angelina Jolie, KD Lang and Ellen Degeneres.

I listen to Tegan and Sara.

My hairstyle of choice is pony tail.

I'd rather watch football than chick flicks.

I play the guitar and write songs.

I love plaid.

Pretty much I'm your typical Lesbo.

Too bad I live a double life.

Am I lying to you, or lying to myself?

(I wrote this post like a week ago, and I decided I want to post it)

I lie. The thing is though, i've been doing it for so long, I don't know which the lie is anymore.

What am I lying about? I'm lying about liking girls. I'm either lying to myself that I do like girls, or i'm lying to you about not liking girls... see the thing is- I don't know. It makes more sense to be lying to you, but the truth is, I don't know.

I have this thing... where I only like things until I have them, a part of me wonders if I like girls because I can't have them...

Do I actually like girls? I can't see myself growing old with a girl.

I do like guys...well guy... I've found one that I actually really like... and he's not a bad kisser. And I want to have kids, and live a normal life...

I do find girls attractive. But is it love, or just lust?

I like boys, I like boys, I like boys, I like boys...

I like girls.

I've never even kissed a girl... part of me doesn't want to... what if I like it more than I like kissing boys? It took me 23 years to find a guy that I liked kissing...

After I told Tino that I wasn't a lesbian, she said that she was jealous that I didn't have these feelings for girls, and that its hard, and she hates that her family thinks shes going to hell...

I've got an option... granted, I can't have him for like 2.5 years... but if its an option, why would I choose the path that brings hate? I can be perfectly happy with a boy. I'm actually not so worried about other people... I'm pretty sure people already know, apparently I have a vibe, and people are surprised im not a lesbian.. I don't care what other people think, I'm the one that has to live with myself... I can't accept this about myself.

Curiosity killed the cat.

I can't have Court. Is that why I want her so bad? She gives me butterflies sometimes when she touches me... I love that feeling.

Its not really fair for anyone. Its not fair for me to be with Dallas, because I might like girls more than I like him. Its not fair to be with a girl cause I can't bring myself to give up the church, not now, probably not ever. Its not fair to myself...