Be careful what you wish for...

Ok, so legit- this has been driving me nuts. I thought "If I just knew whether or not she was interested in me, it would just make everything better" ... Yeah, well, knowing... Didn't make it better...


So a week ago, she texts me saying she wanted to work on her drop kicks. I can't refuse an invitation to rugby so, I met up with her, it was early evening, and it was still really hot out, so we didn't exactly work hard, but we were out there kicking... and this is the first time I had spent any one-on-one rugby time with her in a really long time... And I was sucking it up. 90% of the kicks I made didn't go where I wanted them to, it was just embarrassing... She is a huge distraction, and its unbelievable how much it affected my game. A few times she was like "Really?" When I tried to kick it back to her and it went way off, she asked me what was wrong with me. Half joking I told her she was distracting me... ugh

After a while we just ended up sitting on the grass and talking. She starts throwing grass at me, trying to get a reaction, and im not one to back down, so I throw it back... long story short I end up destroying her. Again... I think she likes it.

Anyway, she asks me to crack her back, and I tell her I would, so I get up, cause I assume she wants it done standing cause it works better that way, but she lies out on the grass, face down. It didn't really matter to me, so I crack her back, and because I happen to be in that position, I start giving her a little massage, her back is sooo tight. All the time. She was wearing a loose, reversible basketball jersey, and it was aggravating because it was really slippery, she could tell it was ticking me off so she suggested I just lift it up.... I caved and ran my hands along her bare back... This didn't last long. I decided it was getting late and that we should go.

We walked back to my car and we stopped and chatted for a bit. Then this car drove past and it only had one headlight(If you aren't familiar with the game, look it up We call it 'Piddidle') she sees this, and calls SEX! I hadn't played this game for years, so it didn't even occur to me, but she called it, so I lost. And the penalty for losing is you must remove an article of clothing... So she joking(?)ly told me to take off my shirt. Now, again, im not a poor loser, and I abide the rules of the game, AND I happened to have a tanktop on, so I took off my shirt, threw it on the ground. It was kind of a funny moment, because I swear she blushed, but then she proceeded to pick up my shirt and put it on. She tried to run away, but I wasn't going home without my shirt, So I grabbed her and put her in a hold, until she agreed to give me my shirt back. So, half let her go, cause lets be serious, I'm not gonna trust that, so I have her, she is facing away from me, and I wait for her to take it off, but instead she just raises her arms and waits for me to take it off her. Semi-inappropriate? Yes. Totally HOT? Oh YES. There is almost nothing that tops the feeling of sliding clothes off someone you like... Ok.. very inappropriate.

After that we both went home, but continued to text. She sends me a text that says this- "What would you say if I just came out and told you I was a lesbian?" Wow, this text kinda shocked me... You don't just say stuff like that. I answered her, mostly honestly, let her know I was safe to talk to... but then I got ballsy and asked her the same thing. To which she replied "I'd be like... Bro... I thought you liked the male genitalia... But then I'd be like... Huh..I'm up for exploring.... ;)"

And there I had it. A kind of answer to my question... But it didn't make me feel better, it just opened up a whole new gate of problems... UGH FML.

I've been doing better though... It was brought to my attention that I was "Pussy Whipped" so I have been trying to stop. Last Thursday she wanted to hang out, but I had plans to go to a party. Usually I woulda ditched the party to go see her, but, Be proud of me! I didn't... And We haven't talked all weekend (Cause she's been camping and out of cell phone range, but thats beside the point.) (I miss her...)

Confession Time

So... Confession time? Yeah. I would ask you not to judge, but I know you are going to and I know I am weak and yeah...

So remember that girl from my team? The straight one? That would hit on me, and sent me hott pictures... Yeah. I ......don't know

In the beginning, I told her we couldn't be friend-friends, cause it would ruin our coach-player relationship. I put a limit on the number of texts she was allowed to send me, she wasn't allowed to call me, except if it was concerning rugby, or she was in some kind of trouble. This worked out for a little while. Then her sort-of-boyfriend and her best friend hooked up, and she had kind of a melt-down, she came to me, and I wasn't about to turn her away, then her mom was being a real bitch to her and again, she came to me. All I wanted to do is be there for her... so I still said that we weren't friends, but she would sneak out to see me, i'd meet her in her back alley and we would talk. I bribed her with food to do something she needed to do, so one night, I had to make good on the bribe and brought her food, so we had a little picnic.

We started texting more, totally ignoring my limits. She would talk about everything, we would flirt constantly. I turned on my charm, wrote her some beautiful texts... I just loved talking to her.

She has huge physical space/proximity/touching issues, and she kind of decided to use me to get over them because I don't have a personal bubble. It just started with hugging. But when I hug her, I pick her up, and she wraps her legs around me... these hugs got longer. I few times she told me to carry her somewhere, and I would make a snide remark about not being her horse. One time, I had her in my arms and she said something to me, she pulled back a little so I could look at her, and because i'm weak, and have a huge issue controlling myself, I slipped and Eskimo kissed her chin. It was a split second, but my head then proceeded a mile a minute, just getting angry with my stupid body. (For those of you that don't know what an Eskimo kiss is- its when two people touch/rub noses. Its super cute, so I touched her chin with my nose) She kinda had a "what-was-that?-moment" and I denied I even did anything. But she didn't let go.

Another time, she was being a little brat, and my go-to reaction is to be physically intimidating.. So I got in her face, and she kept backing up. I backed her right into my car, so I had her pinned against my car, all up in her face, but I got too close and my heart just melted, and had the stupidest idea ever, instead of beating her down, I was just going to make her really uncomfortable... cause she has this whole physical boundaries thing... So I have her against the car, my hip putting pressure on her so she can't move, and just lean in. This is the point that my head gets a hold of itself, and I immediately back off, she takes this as a sign that she won, so she starts beaking again... Now, I can't have that... So im right back on her. I've got her against my passenger side door and the window is open, so I just slide my arms around her, not even really touching her. She has a mini-freak-out, but settles, so I take it a step further and gently brush my hands across her back,(doing this makes me feel kinda weak in the knees) she starts kinda hyperventilating, but she still won't give so I full on wrap my one arm around her and start stroking her back, (when I do this, it feels like someone put their hands in my chest, one hand gripping my spine, the other hand gripping my heart, and I tense up, im losing at my own game cause im so turned on...) but luckily, this she can't handle and she whispers "you win". I let her go and back off so fast...

We had a conversation about her giving herself piercings, but it not working out sometimes because of infection, and this is my job yo, so I offer to sterilize some things, so she doesn't get an infection next time she tries, with the condition that I get to watch her do it, cause i'm morbid and like to see people stab themselves... So I got her the stuff, went over to her house.. and she's decided to do her belly button. So, we are in her bathroom, and she tells me she needs help, it requires more than two hands. So she is sitting on the toilet im kneeling infront of her, my hands on her nice abs, her shirt is half off... ugh, I hate my life.

I was having kind of a crap day and so was she, so I went on one of my midnight runs around the university lake, I told her I was going, and she 'happens' to run into me there. We sit on a bench and talk about our days. I just off to one side, and she sits off to the other, and we just talk. It was a beautiful night, and we were out there for a while, I put my arm up on the back of the bench, the very end of my finger tips are about an inch from her shoulder, she watched this motion, then looked at my hand- I apologized if it made her uncomfortable, and I took my arm down and moved to the very edge of the bench. She said it was ok, "I like it when you push my boundaries" and she slid over to the middle of the bench and told me I could put my arm up again.... so I did. She inched over a little more so my thumb was resting on her back. I didn't move. My heart skipped a beat. She moved a little closer, took my hand off the back of the bench and put it on her shoulder. I tensed up a little, she asked me if it made me uncomfortable, I lied, but two can play this game... I started rubbing her shoulder with my hand, this made her hesitate, but not for long. She moved closer so that there was just an inch between us. I looked at the gap and asked her why she was so far away. Then she cuddled right up to me, she even decided to put her head on my shoulder. There was that spine-heart-gripping feeling again.. I rested my head on her head, and she goes "Oh, why did you have to do that?" to which I reply "Why? Does it make up uncomfortable??" "No," then she got a little more comfortable got right in my nook. I swear my heart stopped, but I wasn't going to be the one that lost... We stayed there for a while until it was a mutual decision that it was getting late, and then I walked her to my car a couple blocks away and I drove her home.

She was the last person I saw before I went to Vancouver, I was just about to leave when she texts me telling me she had this really bad cough and she would kill for some buckleys right now... I happened to have some, so I took her a bottle. She was the only person from back home I texted the whole time I was out there, and she called me once. And she was the first person I saw when I got back... I was driving home, and she sent me this text "OMG Youre coming HOME!" I brought her sand back from the coast, and she had made me an anklet while I was gone.

Last weekend we had a 7s tournament in Med hat. It went really well, we got silver, but besides that, everyone else's parents came to watch, so they all had rides home, this girls aunt, didn't care much for rugby, so I drove her the 2 hours home. At first I freaked out and texted Angel a couple of times, violating my no texting her rule, but it turned out to be a nice drive. She was reading a magazine and I glanced over at an article about gay teens, the perfect opportunity to feel her out, so we started talking about it... I got the impression that she is still totally straight.

Sunday rolls around and we are texting. She calls me out on not wanting to be friends, she accuses me of not really liking her, and not talking to her cause I "think its wrong" we talk and
I say "No, its not that, I enjoy you."

She responds with this "But you don't want to enjoy me. You don't like that your heart likes me. ;)"

Me: "My brain and my heart have never really been friends..."

Her; "Your brain doesn't agree with your heart. Lol. I know. I can see it. ;)"

Me; "Yeah, i'm just waiting for one of them to win."

Her: "Haha, its funny. I can tell when your brains winning. And I can tell when your hearts winning."

This kinda put me on edge. I don't know how serious she was being, or what she meant by it... But impulse decision I kinda broke up with her. I freaked out. Cause thats what I do. Serious or not, she was getting too close... then she got all hurt... I can't stand to see her hurt, so I freaked out again, AT her. I don't remember what all was said... but it got serious. ... I told her I needed her. We fought for like 2 hours... In the end, I was begging for forgiveness, and yeah... We decided to screw this whole, coach thing, cause i'm a hypocrite and don't act like it anyway, so we decided to be real friends... UGH. What the HELL am I DOING!?!?

Later, she tells me she doesn't really remember most of this cause of her concussion...


.....................


There are times, that I am convinced she is totally straight. And we are just friends. She had a rough childhood, lives with her aunt that doesn't really do a whole lot for her, so she latched on to me cause I showed her I genuinely care about her. She has told me on a number of occasions that she feels like we just mesh. She talks to me about boys and stuff. And it feels like thats what our relationship is, im the cool big sister that she never had...

But then, there are times... She tells me that she wishes I was I guy. There are emotional lashing out type responses to every time we hang out... We have a picnic in her back alley, I leave and she goes and gets stoned. I help her pierce her belly button, I leave and she cuts her finger really bad(on purpose), I drive her home from rugby, we have a two hour conversation, I leave and she goes and screws around with some guy she works with... Its like every time we do something, she bottles up something and as soon as I leave, she lashes out... Maybe I read to much into it. I think she doesn't really know yet... she's figuring it out..

I just ruin lives and cause pain.

So Pretty much, thats all I do, is cause people pain.

I thought it would be a good idea, fun even, to meet up with Angel and Jo. We are over each other, and we are mature enough to be friends, and since we were never really "a thing" she isn't really my ex, so I thought it would just be cool.

I forgot for a moment that Lesbians are crazy.

I have to hand it to Jo, she handled me like a champ... too bad she took it out on Angel though.

This is where things get sticky. To Jo- i'm "the other girl"... I make her jealous. I never meant to. I did everything in my power, aside from staying away, to make her not feel jealous... I didn't shower, didn't even brush my teeth, I showed up to breakfast in baggy shorts and an old rugby t-shirt, no make-up, no sleep, I looked like crap. I didn't pay any more attention than was required to Angel... And still, Jo was jealous, even though she KNOWS there is nothing between us.

A part of me really wanted to be friends with Jo, cause she is official the second real person that knows about me. Ugh, it was just so nice being around them, knowing that they knew, it just took a huge weight off me. I felt like I could just be myself around them. I didn't have to worry really about KT picking up on anything cause they understood, and she is just oblivious to stuff like that... Maybe I am being selfish wanting to be friends with Angel... |Its just nice to have someone to talk to about this stuff.

Its funny, I told KT that I knew Angel through rugby, lie, and that at one point in time Angel had a little crush on me, AND that Angel's girlfriend might beat me up cause she might be jealous... I suggested that KT pretend to be my girlfriend, just so Jo would be less jealous, but that might be a little tricky... So I decided against it. In retrospect, I almost wish I had gotten her to play along. Or I wish she didn't come along at all... Then we couldve talked openly about things... Oh well, whats done is done.

The hug killed me. WHY?! She didn't hug me when we first met, why should she hug me now? It was like watching someone stab Jo in the heart and twist the knife. I really felt bad. And apparently Jo is the jealous type, which, in small doses is kinda hot, but not this time...

I didn't really realize it but throughout the weekend, I had become "The Other Girl" ... KT and Claudia told me a few times to just stop texting Angel, but, I wouldn't listen... I just kept on texting her, I found out later that her and Jo had a pretty nasty fight. This made me feel worse about this whole thing, cause it was my fault. I should never have come. I should never had met up with them, i'm just a home wrecker.

Did this stop me? Oh, not really. Cause Angel was upset, she called me. We talked for two and a half hours... mostly about Jo. They love each other, I know this, and Jo shouldn't have to deal with me, its not fair. They need each other really... So, I was trying to make her understand that we couldn't really be friends, cause it hurt her girlfriend, and Jo is infinitely more important than I. She hated this, and didnt really get it, but she resolved to work things out with Jo.

A few days later, after I got home I was talking to her and Jo called, I kept telling her to not tell Jo when we were texting and talking, but she didn't listen, And every time she told Jo that it was me talking to her or texting her, I felt guilty. I knew she didn't like it, but she put up with it cause she respected Angel, so kudos to her. But I was done hurting her... I blocked Angel on facebook. She asked me if I was mad, and I said I was just helping her make a decision. I told her we should stop texting so much. It didn't have to be a goodbye, but I just needed to back off, and thats what I did. For the second time, I hurt Angel, said a sort of good bye... Im such a douche bag.

And its not really good bye, I don't want to lose her as a friend. I just don't know what I should do.

Vancouver.... Sorry, its a novel.

Canada Day weekend... Maybe it was a good idea, maybe it was the worst idea ever...

The judge is still out on that one... Cause it was soo fun... but there was just something...

I drove out there with my best bud KT. Its such a beautiful drive, I love the mountains. Now, KT used to be a roommate of mine, and she's one of my best closest friends... and she doesn't have a clue about me. But, I guess thats valid cause *I* don't really have a clue about me... But her Gaydar sucks. I have examples, but I won't get into it... now...

A fair amount of time driving(when not conversing with KT) was spent with me thinking how easy this couldve been, just to come out for a weekend, or a day, or something to see Angel.

So, we get into town, we're staying with some friends downtown, ironically enough they live just off Davies... For those who don't know, thats the gay district. Little did we know that this weekend was going to be a gay-fest... Day 1, Claudia comes out and takes us to breakfast at this little place on Davies, so good. And we were constantly surrounded by the most flamboyant guys and most stereotypical chicks, it was almost funny. The owner guy of this place walked and talked the walk and talk, and there were a couple of chicks that looked bikerish, with half mohawks making out on the street... oh man. And then we decided to play "Who's Gay" Claudia, the expert, me, the pro and....KT... who lost... a lot.

Later that day we went for a 6 hour walk around Vancouver, saw the sights, had some fun. We stopped to watch the parade with its obligatory Gay Pride portion. And then the fireworks, we went out to the beach and watched, from some distance away, but they were still pretty good... it was no Thunder in the Valley, but it was good. The whole time I was out there all I wanted was someone to be with... Fireworks make me lonely...

Anyway... to catch you up, Angel and I have be talking. Thats a story on its own, but all you need to know is we talk. Anyway, we talked about me coming out there, and she invited us out for dinner, but that fell through, so we ended up going for breakfast Saturday morning. On the way there, I got kind of nervous...

Angel got there first, then KT and I showed up, I walked in, she sees me before I see her... She calls my name and I recognize her voice, I turn and see her, she looks exactly like her pictures. So cute. We got our table, and we waited for her girlfriend, who was a few minutes late. We sat there at the table, kind of making small talk, then Angel looks and tells me that Jo(her girlfriend) is here.. I turn around and get my first actual look... I had seen a picture, but it didn't really do her justice. She was a lot taller than I had expected, her legs were mmm. And she has gorgeous eyes... But im not allowed to talk about her, cause im sure Angel will read this eventually...

So, breakfast went really well, Jo was totally cool, and under different circumstance, im sure we wouldve been friends... I tried, and she put forth a solid effort, but I made her uncomfortable, and a little jealous. She would never admit it, nor would she say anything, but I could tell. Anyway, it was great, and we go to leave, and we are saying goodbye, and out of nowhere, Angel decides to hug me. Wrong choice... It was like one of those slow motion moments when you realize someone is about to do something really stupid... I saw the look on Jo's face, and it killed me. Curse my uncontrollable empathy. But before I could stop it, she was hugging me. A part of me wishes I stopped it, I coulda straight armed her, or SOMETHING... But it happened, and I promptly booked it out of there, but not before hearing Jo get a lil upset. I didn't think much of it, cause there was nothing really between us, and therefore- nothing to be jealous of.

Later we ended up going to dinner with KT's lesbian friends. Cute couple. Over dinner we were talking and they asked KT if she was ok with gay men. To which KT replied that if she was ok with Gay women, she was ok with gay men, then she asked why. And they told her that one of her friends had come out to them, and they just wanted to know if she was safe. KT, Ms. HorribleGaydar, had no clue who it could be. I called it and I wasn't even really friends with the guy. Which in retrospect, I kinda outted him, but KT's safe, so I don't really feel bad.

All in all I had a fetching great time. It was so nice... just to be around people that accept that. And thats the end of this part, I'm breaking the explanation of the weekend up, cause this is too long already... and i've soo much more to say.