The Aftermath

So it was done. I logged off, closed my lap top and lay on my bed, just trying to breathe. I stayed this way, unmoving for over an hour. Just staring at the roof. Wishing I could just get her out of my head. All I could think of was her, and the pain that I had caused her.

I ignored my own pain, i knew this my own fault. I didn't deserve to give heed to my own pain. All I felt was guilt and longing.

I hated myself a little bit for doing it. I hated that I couldn't help her pain. I wanted to SO bad. But I couldn't .... because I was the cause. It was all I could do to stop myself from messaging her.

She doesn't know this, but after I left that day... I came back. Everyday. I logged on, appeared offline, just to see if she was there. She changed her statuses a few times... and every time I read them it opened up the wound I'd inflicted upon myself. I was going to delete her emails... but I never really got around to it... She sent me one last message, wishing me the best, and with that she was gone.

She was all I thought about her for days...weeks...

Secretly I hoped that she would come here.

One day, a few weeks after the break-up, I was logging on, just to see if she was there, to see if she had tried to contact me(she hadn't). I thought about what I was doing in that moment... how crazy I was being. I reprimanded myself and thought, 'really? What the hell are you doing?!' And without really thinking about it, and because I was already logged on, I changed my status to that. She responded to this with a "Whats that supposed to mean" comment, and I can't even remember if I replied to that... Again, I felt like a douche.

I should just let it go. Leave it alone. A wound you pick at never heals. September rolled around, and I kept thinking I saw her places... I had an irrational fear that she would show up to my office. For real. I kinda went off the deep end. ...

I'm making this sound worse than it actually was. It didn't affect my behaviour at all... I just couldn't get her out of my head, for the life of me. I figured she stayed in BC. I also found out that she had moved on. That she has a girlfriend and that shes in love. I'm happy for her. I kind of miss her still. She was a good friend. She is better off now.