A fantasy and a lie

Spolier Alert? Yeah, for all those who still don't think i'm a 'douche-bag', by the time you are done reading this whole story, you will. This is one of those things about me that people should learn early on. I'm a complete jerk. ...Sorry.




The game continued, one of the rewards for gettting a certain amount of points was that I would send her pics. She got to this point, so I sent her about a dozen pics... She then proceeded to go on about how cute I am. Its kind of hard not to appreciate someone that adores you...
I created a fake facebook acount(in the very beginning. To use the chat. Because I didn't have MSN.) She would write stuff on my wall. Send me messages and stuff. Anyway, one day I get this email from an anonymous 'friend' of Beep's. Pretty much it was horrible, it was vicious. It was about how I was taking advantage of her being so young and naive, and how im seducing her, and dragging her to hell with me. Attacking my character, it was biting and nasty. It didn't change anything, but it made me think about what Beep was telling who, also she put a LOT of emphasis on the 'young' part. I told Beep that someone wasn't too happy with our behaviour, she flipped a lid. Its funny cause I exchanged a few messages with this 'friend' I got her to leave us alone, but I promised that I'd never tell Beep who it was. This 'friend's' last message to me accused me of telling Beep who they were. And for the world to know- I did not. I keep my word. I am nothing if not loyal to my oath.

Anyway, we continued speaking every night. And I reestablished the fact that we were only friends often.

Then one day, im sitting in my office; going through some paperwork, not even thinking about anything, other than what i was doing...when bam, all of a sudden, she pops in my head. In an inappropriate manner... Enter daydream... She is half-sitting, half kneeling on this bed, wearing an oversized white dress shirt that was only half buttoned up. I shook myself, tried to get the image out of my head. It keeps coming back. I try to fight it, but everytime I lose focus of what I was doing. Even a little bit, she was there again, full detail. My heart would start racing and I would imagine us getting closer, in slow-motion; until I was close enough to feel her breath on my lips; I slid up right beside her and traced my finger along the contours of her knee, I'd brush a strand of her gorgeous hair away from her face, and then run my finger along her jaw line to her lips. I dropped my hand and ever so lightly grazed her lips with mine. She would draw a sharp breath in, in anticipation, then instead of kissing her breathless lips, id start down the side of her neck, and move slowly to her collar. Lingering there for a moment and then moving back up her throat to her lips. I would slide one hand around to the small of her back and pull her into me, while deepening the kiss.... ....At this point in time, I realize im still sitting in my office. My heart still pumping. Fetch. If we were friends in my head... i'd hate to see where more would take my dreams.

Pretty much im a whore in my day-dream-fantasies. And she was just an object. And im an asshole. I couldn't get her out of my head because I lusted after her. I loved that she loved me, it gave me the power. And the one thing that really turned me on was the thought of her, getting goosbumps. Me being the cause. I could make her feel butterflies, and that is a priceless thing, to see anticipation and anxiety, and love when someone looks at you. And she would be all these things for me. I never met her in real life, but my imagination was enough... And I felt guilty for it. SO guilty.

Anyway, our conversations continue, just like we were old friends. And im thinking about it one day, and suddenly it hits me. She is still in highschool....her birthday is in October....She is 17!! It made me sick thinking about it. One night, halfway into some conversation about who knows what, I straight up ask her- "Are you 17?" She tries to ignore the question, she does it very gracefully, but in that I have my answer. She confesses to it. Then she apologizes profusely. She tells me that she was going to tell me, and im like 'when?' I made a big deal about her being 18. And that she was still in highschool... and now she is 17. And it wasn't even just that. ...She lied to me.

And thus it continued.

So. MSN. This brings us to mid-April. And the conversation that led us into the privacy of MSN was about how I was torn between my religion, and my desires. It been a struggle for a long time. It was the first time i'd ever gotten into this conversation with anyone, and it was the first time i'd had a really serious conversation with her. It kind of made me sick. I'd never actually admitted to liking girls. It was a conversation of firsts, the whole time my chest was tight, my breathing shallow, and it made me nervous to actually be talking about it. I do and I don't like girls. I can't.

I told her, tried to convince her that she didn't want anything to do with the screwed up mess that I am. I told her she should've just left me alone. I explained to her that I couldn't accept this because its not something I could live with. And deep down I know its wrong. I kept trying to explain it, but a part of me didn't want to. Its like ive got a split personality... and it sucks. She stayed. I have no idea why, but she wanted to help me. I have NO idea why, but she liked me. Which scared me.

She told me that I was the first girl she had ever liked. I didn't like this. My own corruption is one thing... but I did not want to be her transition object. I told her about Afton. It changed from a conversation about what is right and wrong to a conversation about...I don't even know what...It was basically me trying to explain how messed up I am. Then she called me out. She asked me whether or not I liked her. Honestly at the time, I wasn't sure. I was leaning towards the no, cause if I admitted having feelings for her, it just took me one step closer to the edge. And I wasn't willing to really put myself out there. Then she explained how she had already put herself out there, and was willing to do it again. I didn't want to call it anything just yet. I couldn't make a decision either way. My biggest problem is that im selfish, but I don't know what I want.

So we defined our relationship again. We were friends. And we were just getting to know each other. Then we put that conversation away and continued our get to know you question game...


I cant even explain now what I tried to tell her, I couldn't understand why she liked me, she couldn't like me, shes never even met me!! I didn't like that I wasn't in control...everything about this, made me uncomfortable...

More Still

So, we decided to be friends. We talked to each other pretty much everyday. She was getting annoyed at the fact that I insisted on keeping this ....anonymous. I wouldn't give any real information about myself, ....I wouldn't even tell her my name. But, she wanted to get to know me... and I wanted to continue talking to her, so I devised a little game...

She would ask me questions about myself, I would answer the questions, and she would have to tell if I was lying, or telling the truth. Every time she guess right, she would get an imaginary point. It was a game to 100. And there were little rewards along the way. I don't remember what the rewards were, but once she reached 100, I'd tell her my name. My real name. Which, in the internet world is kind of a big deal.

We started this game, it was a fun game. The game progressed, and it came to the point where we wanted a little more privacy, not because anything was going on, but just cause we had only spent time in this chat room, with being interrupted and stuff, and I was sharing a lot of stuff about myself, that I wasn't really interested in having the world know. Also, we were having a serious talk about some issues that I was having. So, I busted out an old email address, and moved our conversation to MSN.

Theres more

I went back the next night. She was there. We continued to talk. She was avoiding studying for her bio exam. Cute. We decided to kill two birds with one stone so I helped her study. Bio was always one of my favorites, right up there beside math. We talked pretty late. And this became the pattern... I'd go on, she would show up, we'd talk until I practically fell asleep on my keyboard.
While I helped her study, I asked her questions and gave her imaginary points for right answers. She then tried to use these points to impress me. Cute. I made fun of her alot. And pretty much was a sarcastic jerk to her... but I enjoyed talking to her. It was def something I looked forward to everyday, I would be an ass, and she would let me. It was a great relationship. And then I screwed up again.
SO. By this time, my take on the relationship is that she is an entertaining friend. Thats all. Her take on it? Probably ask her, but my thoughts on her thoughts? That this was going somewhere. We were friends now, but maybe it would turn into something. She liked me. Like-Liked me... And the only time we hung out was in this chat room and people started to notice. One day, while im waiting around for Beep to show up, my life turns into one of those poorly written highschool drama shows where the jocks in the locker room start hasslin the quarterback about spending time with the art-geek...very John Tucker Must Die. Britt starts asking me about whats going on between myself and beep... I got defensive, she kept pushing it. SO- I did what any self(dis)respecting idiot would do. I said it was nothing, she meant nothing to me, she was just fun to make fun of, ect. And in true high school movie fashion, she happened to log on right as this conversation transpired.
She saw the whole thing. She 'ran away' to another chat room. Britt was hysterical. And the universe would do that to me. I chased her. And I panicked. I HATE hurting people. I would've done anything to change what had happened. I tried to explain what I said, and I apologized more than ever. ....we had a long talk. It involved a lot of grovelling. It was a long time ago, but I am pretty sure there was some begging for forgiveness too. Hours went by, and I used her feelings for me as an advantage... I was manipulative. I flirted until she forgave me. Which, looking back, was probably the worst thing I could do. ...to play with her feelings, just so I didn't lose someone that entertained me. It was really flattering how much she flirted with me. It made me feel good. But at the same time, it made me feel like dirt, cause I knew I didn't feel the same way. Anyway, we talked, and she ended up forgiving me, tenatively, but she did. Nearing the end of the conversation, I specified we were to be friends, and ONLY friends. And the rule I laid out, was that she was not to fall in love with me.
And I meant it. And not in the Walk-to-Remember-Shane-West-Mandy-Moore-I-told-you-not-to-love-me kind of way. I REALLY didn't want her to love me. I couldn't afford for her to fall for me. I didn't deserve for her to love me. She agreed to it. She said it, She didn't mean it, I knew she didn't mean it....

Matchmaker

(Take a moment, take a breath, this is gonna be a gooder, i've broken it up into segments, and i'll post them, as I see fit.)I hesitate to really tell this story, cause its not just about me, it didn't just affect me. And I fear in the telling of it, it won't just affect me...
Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match! Find me a find! Catch me a catch!!
Oh Fiddler on the Roof....
SO. I think it was about March sometime, earlier this year, I got bored and I always get a kick out of reading lesbian personal ads... so I was cruisin through some online dating sites when lo and behold, who's profile do I come across? Ashton. I read her profile. It was beautiful. (I was going to put a link on here to it, but it has since been removed.)
So I did something that I never thought I would do... I signed up for the site. I created a profile with the hope that she might read it, find me interesting and maybe have an honest conversation. ...well...as honest a conversation you can have with a person pretending to be someone shes not.
I guess the fates weren't on my side for that one though. It seems likt the day I signed up is the day she stopped logging onto the site. I'd come back everyday, see if she had logged on. Days turned to weeks. I must've read her profile an hundred times. But I kept going back. Eventually I found the chat room attatched to the site, so I decided to see what real lesbians were like, what they talked about.
First couple of times I went on, I just read conversations....Creeped.... Then I met this girl. Her name was Britt, and she was gettin ragged on by some wretched hag, so I did what I do best- defend the underdog. I quipped in with some semi-harsh sarcastic comments and this made Britty and I insta-friends. She was hilarious and sarcastic. And it got to the point where I kept coming back just to talk to her. She was dating someone at the time, which was great for me, cause really I was never looking for anything. I didn't actually want anything. Her girl sort of love-hated me. She kind of found me amusing, but I could tell I pissed her off. Alot. Cause I'd flirt with Britt, relentlessly. Cause it was safe. I could flirt with her all I wanted cause I knew she was in love with her girlfriend. This is my first problem- I LOVE flirting. And this was safe.
One day I wander into the chat room, and Britt asks me if ive had a run in with a user named "Beep" ....I say no. Britty proceeds to inform me that this Beep girl has been loking for me, asking about me and talking about me. Instantly im a lil freaked out. And then as if on cue, enter Beep. I was so close to just hightailing it out of there, but a tiny little part of me was curious.
So I stayed. She def came on a little strong. Usually i'm the hunter, and it was odd being the one who is getting sized up.... kind of put me on my heels. So I turned to my defense mechanism- Sarcasm. This is my second problem. I recall being kind of harsh to her. She was really hyper, and giggleish... and VERY 18. And then I left.
(I'm going to be honest, this first little bit is kinda fuzzy... it was a while ago, and at the time, I chose not to take mental notes of the events surrounding the interaction between myself and this random girl.)
I came back the next night, and I was told that apparently I had hurt Beep's feelings. This kind of made me feel bad. And thus we see my third problem- It doesn't matter if I should or not, I feel the need to fix everyones problems/hurt feelings, especially if it is me that caused it.
...Cause I really should've left it alone. So, Beep came back, and I apologized for my rude behaviour. We talked for a bit, we had a couple things in common. We ended up being kind of friends, though just by the way she was, I could tell that she liked me.

Stalling

Sooo......um. How are you all doing? .....


...........


Ok. So, I hesitate to share this story. Cause unlike every story ive told so far, this one involves a real person. Not just my internal struggles. It not only affected me, but it affected someone else. And a part of me fears that in sharing it, it will again, not only affect me.

................................

Preemptive Warning

Dear Faithful, Loyal, Vigillant...Non existant... Blog Followers,

This is a notice that will serve as a warning for you to prepare to read my blog post following this one. Its going to be a hefty one. In size and depth. So be aware of what you are getting into.

Also, it make take me another few days to write it because of the events that transpired... I wouldn't really call it a touchy subject, but its something I wish to adress with care and tact.

Thank you for your consideration.

Rhone.

Cuba

December of last year. I go on a spontaneous trip to Cuba with a good friend of mine. She is one of those people who are just awesome. She warns me/ asks me if I would be offended if she wore a bikini all week. ....Yes. That would offend me. How nice of you to be looking out for my morals.... ahahahahha. I told her to do whatever she wanted. And glorious decision she walked around wearing very little.

She would wake up in the morning and go for a run along the beach, I'd pretend to be asleep then, when she left, i'd stand at the window and watch her run. At one point during the week she wicked burned her back. So I soaked a couple towels and put them in the fridge. She layed down on the bed, topless, and i'd put the towels across her back, and switch them every 10 minutes.

It was at this point that I wanted to just kick myself. This wasn't something I needed at this point in time. She was hot. Like, athletic build, tan, gorgeous. SOOOOO attractive. And here she was. Lying on my bed. Pretty much naked. Shoot me now.

Later, that night, we were talking and stuff, and we had a conversation about how she was a great kisser. About how she would teach boys things and how it was just the best. Please, shoot me. Boarder line I wanted her to teach me a thing or two... And if this was a porno, thats how it wouldve ended. Luckily I do not live in a porn.

Totally Unexpected

Tuesday night. A friend of mine, JD, stops by with her car and tells me she has something in her car for me, but she is having issues getting her trunk open. I go out to her car to help her open the trunk. We get the trunk open and she hands me a jacket of mine that I left at her place last weekend. We walk back in the house and there is someone bent over looking in my fridge. As I come in the door, I am looking at this person's legs and she stands up and says to me "I think we're out of milk." This is my thought process: Who is in my fridge...We're not out of mi-...CAT!!
I gasp and almost trip backwards, the counter was the only thing that caught me. JD and Cat had been planning this for weeks. I didn't even know she was flying in, shes supposed to be 1000miles away. And she snuck her into my house while I was helping with her car.

I start laughing and then I punch JD and scream that I hate her. I laugh some more and tackle-hug Cat and tell her that I hate her too. Jerks for not telling me!! This goes on for like 10 minutes of my yelling about how much I hate them and us all laughing.

She asks if she can stay with me and I tell her I wouldn't have it any other way. We've been sharing my little bed all week. Almost the way it used to be. But not quite. Whatever it was we had before is gone. Im not in love with her. I look at her, and I don't see anything with her. I don't want her like I once did. I lie next to her in the dark, and she cuddles into me, its perfect cause im a cold sleeper, like my body temp drops when i go to bed, and she is a furnace. But other than the fact she is warm, I don't even want her in my bed, and she's obviously not into me. Im so over that. Just thought the world should know.

Rugby

So, I played rugby in High School. And I coached it for years. It def takes its toll on your body, ive been told by several doctors that I shouldn't play anymore. Pft. What do doctors know? I took a break from playing for a while. And I was just coaching. Then I was talking to a buddie of mine and he convinced me to come back. I'm a sucker. I wasn't hard really. Theres this girl on the team, who I find very attractive, and I found out she was a lesbian, no one knew this is the reason I came back, but it is. I could never actually do anything with her, cause I had a couple friends on the team that can never know. Anyway. So I ended up playing, Summer of 2009. This girl, Afton,and I knew each other, we played against each other in high school for a year, maybe two... im a bit older than she is. But she is one of those girls that you just have to love. She is about as 'out' as you can get, she practically has it tattooed on her neck. Ps Tattoos=smokin hot. She is one of those girls that is really aware of people around them. A bunch of us are hanging at the club after a game, just chillin, and Ash jokingly hits on girls, cause really its funny. Though she makes a point of asking people if it makes them uncomfortable. She asked me, if it bothered me, and i'm like 'heck no' Go for it. .....Shame on me. Same day she asked me a serious question. She asked me- If I found out I was a lesbian, would I leave the church, or if I would choose to be miserable and alone? I told her I didn't know, just because I didn't want to close that door, but I immediately regretted saying it. I knew it wasn't true. Even if I knew I was a 100% lesbo, im pretty sure I wouldn't leave the church. And this makes me a hypocrite and a liar, and a horrible person. Because every down time in practice or in games- water breaks, after we score, i'd be looking for her. Any excuse I could use to be near her, to touch her... all summer. In the locker rooms I would never actually check her out. I did once, totally by accident, but I was in severe amounts of pain at the time, and it didn't really affect me. She has this killer tattoo that goes from her ribs, down to her hip. Oh man. Sexy. Anyway, its nearing the end of the season, and we are playing an away game. 14 on 15 cause our team decided it had better things to do. Game starts, we are recieving. High medium kickoff, coming straight for me. Perfect. I make a clean catch and start running, I size up the opposition in front of me, and pick out the biggest, ugliest, girl nearest to me, and I go straight for her. Its the beginning of the game, everyone wants first hit, and everyone wants it to be huge, set the pace for the entire game, so I up my pace. Im running as fast as I can possibly move, this girl is still coming for me. Sweet, I dip at the last second, like I was going to just pop her off me, but she comes in too high, and as im coming up into her, I realize shes up too high, im not sure exactly what happened but pain shot through my whole shoulder. The kind of pain like when you jam your finger but 5x worse. Anyway, she goes flying back off me, I hurdle her and get a few more steps in before I feel more hands and offload the ball. It was pretty sweet, seeing the sasquatch-girl go flying, but the moment is over and the pain in my shoudler is kind of annoying. There is a lineout, and i'm the one throwing the ball in. Not a good motion for my shoulder... time goes on, it only really hurts when I move it a certain way, mostly when im throwing and scrumming. Oh man, it hurt when we scrummed. It started getting heavy, really slowing me down. Every move I made with it felt like I was throwing it around like dead weight. Painful dead weight. Im a stubborn little cuss though, and we were already playing short so I wasn't getting off the field unless someone made me. And our coach wasn't there so...I played. The entire half. 40 minutes of rugby. Oh and I nailed their fly half in open play, stole the ball, launched to our 10, and we scored. If they gave assists in rugby, that would been a great one. Ps. We were up ....by a lot. Second half starts and about 10 mintues in, there is this scrum... By this point im just dragging myself around the field, and its taking longer for us to bind on, and the ref decides to just be a bitch, and not let us get set properly. Crouch, touch, pause... Im still mostly standing up, I try to get down...Engage! My head is down below my shoulders, my shoulders are down below my hips, the opposition pretty much engages on my neck. I'm fairly certain that my nose touched my sternum. That was fun. Blinding, horrible pain. Next thing I know, Im face down on the ground surrounded by bodies and I dont want to move. My face is burried in the grass, and the ref starts moving people off me. She calls me. My eyes are closed and im just trying to breathe. She asks me if I can hear her. I contemplate not answering her cause shes a bitch. But Im like yes. By this time, im the only one on the ground, I haven't moved a muscle. Our team medic come over, it takes me what seems like forever to go through the steps of getting to my feet. She asks what happened, where I felt pain.. If I learned one thing, its that you don't ever tell them its your neck. I can wiggle my fingers and toes, im fine. Every muscle in my neck and back seized up. And I staggered off the field. I tried to lie down, but that made it worse. I ended up in this half-fetal position for the rest of the game. ....And this was a huge tangent..... Point of the story, It turns out I seperated my shoulder that first hit of the game, tore up my AC joint, and I almost broke my neck. If I had any less muscle on me, it probably wouldve snapped. Long story short(too late). I pretty much quit the team. I still came to some of the home games, but that was it for me. And it wasn't until this year that I saw Afton again.

Current Events

Ok, so we're going to take a brief intermission here and take a look at my life in this very second. Cause I've got a.....problem? But im not sure its really a problem. Its more of an interesting scenario. Its September. September=new roommates. Some I hand choose, some are recommended, some are random. And before I start into this, I do not have a crush on my new roommate, thats not what this is about.

SO. New roomie moves in. For sake of time, I will refer to her as BC(Because thats where shes from and I label people by where they come from and its easy to type). BC was recommended to me by a dear friend of mine. BC moved to town at the start of August. She lived with some friends of her family until she could move into my place. I met her a week before she was to move in. She came to town and made friends with some old friends of mine, and in the short time she's been around, has quickly made friends with alot of people im friends with. Totally a good sign. The first 3 seconds of meeting her, I wasn't so sure how this was going to go, but then we shook hands and immediately I liked her. We decided to be friends and started hanging out together.

She is intelligent(enough), but kind of ditsy. She's a cute little blonde, and has all the boys chasing her. She's kind of a tom-boy, is really confident. And frankly really fun to be around.

Here is where we run into the situation. She reminds me a lot of me. A LOT. Which in some ways is attractive, the way she speaks, the way she moves. But in other ways, it makes me a little uneasy, cause im kind of a manipulative bitch. And I wonder if she has ulterior motives. And in wondering this its driving me nuts cause I can't see her endgame. What does she want?!
She is good. Very good, but not as good as me. A little less subtle. Or maybe I just see it that way because she does things that I do. (Ps, I know I'm being vague, Im sorry.)

So this is me, really liking her... but not. And its funny, because everytime i'm around her, she makes me feel comfortable, and she makes me want her to love me. And a part of me thinks she wont because she is so like me, and im so incapable of love. Which makes me want to try harder to make her love me. ...Because im screwed up like that.

Then there is point two of my situation. She doesn't like some of my friends. And some of my friends don't like her. Which may not seem like a big deal, but it is. See- I am pretty sure I like BC, and I don't want my friends to be bashing her, because shes MY friend. And they've already dubbed her "Barbie." AND she doesn't like some of my friends;friends that have been with me for years, people who I actually love. And I know that it sounds like I should just side with my real friends... but i'm not sure how I feel about that, especially since she is my new roommate, and I feel like I can really get close to her.

So i'm taking the weekend off, going to Fairmont with one of my oldest, most trusted friends and we are going to figure out whats goin on. Get me some space between BC and the Barbie-haters.