Its Not Over Yet.

So, the saying goes -Its not over till the fat lady sings. Well, I say, its not over till the fat lady says. And I'm not done yet.

Its apparent that she isnt in love with this guy. And he is no competition for me. I dont mean to sound arrogant, but I know her, and we have something...

And we talked about some stuff... I think she's figuring out who she really is. Thanks to Christina. We had a conversation, I told her (a little bit) about Angel, and sent her a pic, she said that she thought Angel was beautiful and that she never woulda thought that she was a les. I sent her a pic of Jo too, she thought they were adorable and she wants "to keep them"... I told her she could meet them if she wanted, just take a road trip out to Van, cause I kinda want them to meet her too... and then she started talking about Christina. She was attracted to Christina. I asked her if she did anything with her, and she said that Christina said she was attracted to her too, but didn't feel right about the age gap... and that she had to fight the urge to kiss Court... She told me it kinda broke her heart. Sad. Its kinda funny that this didn't really make me jealous. She also said that she had wanted to tell me that for so long, but didn't know how i'd react... Silly girl, knows she can tell me anything, but I guess im doing a good job of keeping my cover...

I'm leaving soon, she ditched him to hang out with me. We went cruising, listened to music, went back to my house, watched some rugby, talked about stuff, I gave her a massage, we ended up cuddling on my couch, then over by my fireplace. Point for me. I win. She may be dating him, but she likes me more.

BUT ...I don't know how I feel about this whole thing.

Broken

I can't even begin to explain how much this hurts... I want to throw up, or cry... or both. Love is stupid. I barely believe in it as it is.

She has a boyfriend. Out of nowhere. Totally blindsided me today. It feels like i've been hit by a train. Its a good thing im not PMSing right now, I probably wouldve broken right down at work. ...Its unprofessional to cry at work, Its unprofessional to cry at work, Its unprofessional to cry at work....


OK- Whole Story time...

So, she texts me this morning, tells me she couldn't sleep again last night. I ask her if she needs me to come help her fall asleep, ;) If you know what I mean.. we flirt a bit, and she says "Meh, I've heard better" then I say "You may have heard better, but guaranteed, you've never felt better. ;)" Her response- "Oh.. you cant say that."

We have this thing, where we pretend we are in some kind of relationship... and we tell each other not to cheat.. anyway, she accuses me of cheating this morning, I respond "You did it first" to which she replies "I DID NOT" ...Ok... Sure you didn't... just last week, you showed up drunk to my house with a group of guys. But its not really cheating if you don't remember it right? I'm pretty sure you don't remember much of that night cause you kissed a guy... like full on kissed a guy right in front of me.ANYWAY.

So she starts telling me about "Jordan" and how romantic he is being... Apparently he left a single red rose for her on her back gate... sweet. Then our conversation goes like this...

Her- I feel like you and him would be a good couple haha. Thats terrible of me to say.

Me- Lol, why is that terrible?

Her- Cause.. Me and him are a couple.. And I'm telling you that you and my boyfriend would be a good couple.

Me- .......oh......
You are a couple now?
When did this happen?

Her- Since Monday.

Me- How did he ask you?

Her- He didn't ask me I asked him what all this meant and he said I think it means we're together now, and I said, I like that.

Me- Aww.
And you are just telling me this now?!

Her- Cuute. And I thought I did tell ou! Haha. Sorry.. I'm trying to keep it on the dl.. He's 22 some people will look at it badly.

Me- Yeah... I could see that.. lol. um so much for not cheating on me.... jokes.

Her- Yea, :) but we're cute together! I think this one might last...

KNIFE IN THE HEART OF MY SOUL.

I can't even handle this right now. I've said that I don't have a jealous bone in my body... as it turns out, my entire soul is made completely out of jealousy. If you have ever wondered where your soul is, get your heart broken and add a stab of jealousy, and that pain you feel... thats where your soul is. Every negative emotion known to humans- I have felt in the last day... Every single one. Anger, hate, jealousy, rage, pain....most of all pain...

I've been on emotional roller coasters before. A fair number of them. But the one this girl has me on right now... tops them all... I'm going to lose it. I HAVE NEVER REALLY LOST IT(came really close once)... but I feel the need to put my head between my knees and grab the barf bag, cause I don't know how much more I can take. It just hurts so bad.

All afternoon I told myself to keep it under control, not to lash out, not to be a bitch... I had to keep my emotions in check, I had to not say anything I would regret.. I could do this... I can cope with this... I can handle this... Then I started talking to her again.. We started talking about him. She said that he was romantic, and she could be herself around him, but she doesn't feel fireworks. I asked her if she has felt fireworks with anyone, she says "Wouldn't you like to know" Dang her and that line... that is MY line... then it all kinda went downhill from there... then I changed my facebook status to "Why do you have to be so frustrating?" She asked if the status was about her... My response? "Wouldn't you like to know." And then this downhill thing just took a dive off a cliff and turned into a free fall... I've told her before that I have a hard time controlling myself around her. My emotions got the better of me. I've reigned them back in but i don't know what to do now.

In any other situation, I could do something... I imagined doing a Julia Roberts/Hugh Grant thing.. I really wanted to. Still want to. Go over to her place, tell her to come to our usual spot, be there, standing in the rain... Tell her I love her, tell her I was stupid, "Choose me. Love me. Let me love you... Because I am so in love with you that it hurts. And I know you love me too... We were meant to be together..." And then just kiss her, like she has never been kissed before... OH, how I just want to... ...but can't. As much as we deny it... I am still her coach, and she is still my player, and I can't be in love with a girl I coach...

If we were in cave man times, I'd go smash Jordan's face in and drag her off to my cave...

If we were in the pacific islands a hundred years ago, I would take every cow I own and go buy her...

If we were in the dark ages, i'd start a war with his country, slay a thousand men, then destroy his home, lastly kill him with my own blade and make off with my prize..

If we were in biblical times, I'd enlist him in the army, send him to the front lines of battle where he would surely be killed, then seduce her...

If it were years ago, I'd annex his land, sell him into slavery and take her as my own...

If we were in the medieval times, I would ride up to Jordan's castle on my black stallion, challenge him to a duel, beat his ass then ride off into the sunset with my girl.

But I can't. And it kills me.

Basically, she is super pissed at me... And i'm still hurt and frustrated and jealous.

Writing helps.

And I guess its my fault... I've never told her how I feel.

Dark, heavy, throbbing pain. .. A tiny, little, minuscule, barely there part of me thinks she is doing this just to make me jealous...

Ugh... I just have to tell myself this is for the best. Especially after... last weekend... I may have crossed some lines... This is what happened-(RD version) she came over to my house to watch rugby, so we watched the game, and then we were just hanging out... I let her braid my hair... I love people playing with my hair, and it happened to be a good day, it was so soft. She asked to see my room. I didn't really want her in my room, it was kind of a mess, im painting my roof, and deep down, I didn't like where it might go... so I deflected, I had my tent set up in my back yard, so I suggested we go out there. We get in the tent and are talking, she asks for a calf massage, so I start giving her one, it turned into a calf/foot massage. I was sitting up, she was laying down in front of me. I pulled her closer so that her legs were around my waist and it turned into a thigh massage. I backed off a little bit, I didn't want it to get out of hand, but then she asks me to do her hamstrings, I do, we start talking and she complains about cramps she gets in her gleuts... I tell her you can massage those too...and then she asks me to do her bum... I hesitate a little bit, but lets be serious, i'm a whore, so I do. Eventually I end up spooning her and I run my fingers across her, just above her jeans...Then she's all "Really...!?...." Like 'did you really just do that' kind of really... But I didn't stop... I hooked my thumb underneath her shirt and ran my hand back down, I swear I felt her shiver and so I ran my whole hand under her shirt, up her stomach to just below her bra.. my hand stayed there for a while, then I realized what I was doing, yanked my hand back, and rolled to the other side of the tent. She had an hour nap and I freaked out and texted Angel. Nothing else happened that night... I drove her home and that was about enough.

Its better that she has a boy right now. It will make her life less complicated... And it takes the pressure off me. This is actually what needs to happen... We need some time apart... She needs someone else to connect with.

Its a damn good thing that im leaving the country in 4 days...

*****UPDATE******
She texted me an apology... at 8:50.... its 10:30... I haven't responded. I don't know what to say... She's sent me 16 texts.
*****Update II***
I texted her back...said I was sorry.. Lied, told her I didnt have my phone with me..

Hate.

I hate that you are the first thing I think about when I wake up.
I hate that you are the only thing on my mind when I try and sleep.
I hate checking my phone every 5 minutes, just to see if you've texted me.
I hate when I don't know what to say to you.
I hate that I can't tell you how I really feel.
I hate the fact that even after im no longer your coach, I probably wont tell you anything.
I hate that I feel bad every time we hug hug for a prolonged moment.
I hate knowing that when you tell me you love me, you mean that you are IN love with me.
I hate telling you I love you, and not knowing if you know what I really mean.
I hate that you are so easy to talk to.
I hate telling you I wont ever leave you, when I know its a lie.
I hate not being able to touch you... not even in my dreams.
I hate that I dream about you.
I hate myself for loving you.
I hate that sometimes I cant help but stare at you.
I hate the way you look at me.
I hate that I have a hard time controlling myself around you. Emotionally AND physically.
I hate when I slip up around you.
I hate the moments where I think I blow my cover.
I hate my jealousy.
I hate that you tease me by putting beautiful pics on facebook.
I hate that we were meant for each other.
I hate that im going to screw this up.
I hate it when you touch me.
I hate you not knowing what you do to me.
I hate the butterflies i get sometimes when I think about you.
I hate that I understand you.
I hate the way my heart skips a beat when you call or text me.
I hate that you are the most beautiful girl i've ever seen.
I hate that you dont think so.
I hate that you think im "gorgeous".
I hate that I want you all to myself.
I hate when you hurt.
I hate that I have ever hurt you.

I hate knowing that one day i'm going to break your heart...

I love you.

I just about died.

So... long story short.. I flirted with Angel's girlfriend. Angel found out. She texted me, told me she hated me... I just about died. I felt so bad about it, legit I threw up cause I felt so bad, and I was scared that she would never talk to me again.

It was kind of silly, like it was barely flirting, but she is very protective of her girl and I knew this, and still. I spent 5 hours feeling the worst I think i have ever felt in my entire life. I apologized profusely and she didn't text me back for hours... Legit I almost died.

She texted me saying that she was at work, and that I shouldn't kill myself. She was mad, but we were still friends... whew.

Catch up... kind of.

Ok. So a bunch of stuff has happened. Too much really for me to catch you up on, and mostly I don't want to really talk about it.

I got home that Sunday night, went to meet her in our usual spot... she was sitting by the fence when I pulled up. I got out of my car, she got up, made like I was gonna tackle hug her, she took a few steps back.. I normal hugged her, hard... We sat around for a while, just talked. I could tell she wasn't handling the whole situation very well. She ended up sitting on the hood of my car, with her knees tucked up to her chest and she asked me to just hold her.. So I did, I wrapped my arms around her and rested my head on hers, and just stood there. Any conversation we had that night was awkward and abrupt, I really didn't know what to say to her, there were a lot of pauses.

And that's the way our relationship continued for a while. I never really knew what to say, so I usually didn't say much, we went three weeks without seeing each other. She got sick and stressed. And then some crap happened. I'm not going to get into it..

Anyway, I find out that she is working with one of my friends from high school and they have hit it off, and they started talking about me, and they decided that we really needed to all hang out. So... we did. And the thing about Tino(Christina)is she brings out the crazy in me. And usually im calm and responsible, and reserved around Courtney, very much the appropriate, adult type role model, but that night we had conversations, it was really relaxed and it got inappropriate. Not inappropriate-inappropriate, but given our relationship, it was... I'm still her coach. Tino wasnt sure whether or not I knew she was lez, so we had that conversation, lol. Then she told me she was surprised that I wasn't gay... awkward moment, then Courtney tells me that when she first met me, she thought I was lesbian... Apparently I give off that vibe. We started talking about sexuality and ratios and how it sat on a spectrum. some people are 100% straight, some people are like 60-40, you know and we were trying to determine what we were, and as much as I know I'm not 80-20, this is what I claimed to be...

Anyway, this was the first time that Courtney has seen me in a social situation... and I don't know how I feel about this... Its made us closer... Which is good and bad...