The Cliff

Standing on the edge of a cliff, peering over the edge. My foot nudges a loose stone and I watch it tumble down the rocky, sandy slope. It soon falls out of my sight, but I can still hear it as it goes. There is a slight breeze; enough to dry the sweat that's formed across my nose, but not enough to blow away the almost musical sound of the rock falling, taking other rocks as it goes. Forever changing the cliff face. 10.5 seconds, then silence. Almost imperceptible, to those who did not see it go. But I know. I saw it, I caused it. My muscles still shaky from the long, steep climb up, my mind wanders back to the sign on the path, a warning to stay away from the edge... I decide to sit for a while, lean over the edge a little farther. Something I did not trust myself enough to do while on my feet. The view is wonderful. New and only slightly different from the peaks and valleys I'm used to. I wish I had my camera. I pick up a rock and throw it as far as I can. It takes only 5 seconds to hit the ground. I see where it lands, it seems closer than it should. But at the same time...far enough. As I pick rocks out of the dirt im sitting in, more and more I think how unstable it is, how it could give away at any moment. Especially if I keep taking rocks and hurling them off the cliff. I get up and walk away.

Its funny... the things you tell yourself...

So, today marks the end of the weird week... she is coming home today. And I'm going home too. And its kind of a call back to reality. I've been out in the mountains for the last little while, so... we were both away from home, away from our friends, family... we have had some deep conversations, and we have both said things...

I fooled myself onto thinking that it changed things. In my stupid head, I envisioned this new relationship between us, but thinking about it, it might just make thing weird. I'm actually kind of scared to see her. It was nice this week... just talking. I was there for her, and I'm pretty sure I was the only one... but now that she's home, things are just going to go back to the way it was. Which is probably best. I forgot about life. For the last week, all it has been is her. But it can't be like that. Ugh, this hurts. But its going to be the way it should be.

Im just gonna hurt her...

This week has been really weird. She went back to Ontario to visit her mom. She doesn't like her mom, but doesn't want to disappoint her. She's been kinda depressed since she left. I've been texting her as much as I can, trying to be supportive... for the first couple of days I only got one word responses, if I got a response at all. Yesterday and today have been better... she called me today, we talked on the phone for almost an hour...

Anyway... this got me thinking, because of a few things she said, Im just gonna end up hurting her... that's all I can think about. I can't....

Ugh. I am working to be there for her, to be what she needs... but... as much as I want her now, i know that it won't last... I don't want to hurt her. I'll end up leaving her, just like everyone else.

Why do I do this?