So....I'm a mess?

Its official I think. I'm a mess. A complete, screwed up, mess of a human being. I had my suspicions before...they are all but confirmed now.

I suppose you are wondering what i'm referring to.

I'd say its a long story, but you are half way there anyway so I might as well dish.

As a side note, I guess I should change the title of this blog to 'Diary of a closet Bi.'

Sooo. A few months ago I started hanging out with this guy. I was kind of attracted to him. We were(are?) kind of made for each other. Before I knew it, we were in some kind of relationship... Not really really sure what kind, but we were totally cuddle buddies and whenever we went out, he paid. So... we were dating? This went on for a while, and it was kind of driving me nuts, not knowing. So. I initiated a lil DTR(Define the Relationship), ps I hate doing that. And we discussed it and came to the conclusion that we were friends, with cuddling privileges. And I was fine with that cause he was(is?) planning on leaving soon.

About a week passed and one night I drove him home and he lingered in my car, and made some not so subtle hints that he wanted to kiss me. I panicked cause I wasn't prepared, I thought we were friends, what was he doing trying to kiss me? So I kicked him out of my car and drove off... Smooth.

We hung out all week, we both pretended like it hadn't happened, which was fine by me. But then he tried again, and he didn't exactly leave the ball in my court with it either. So we kissed. Which spawned another DTR, cause apparently we missed something first time around. We talked about it and decided we didn't want to get serious...

Whatever the hell that means...

A few days later we ended up kissing again. WTF?! Make up your mind. Apparently im a fantastic kisser and he just can't get enough.

SO. At this point in time, yu are probably thinking 'Whats the problem?'

And the problem is this-The whole time we were dating and not kissing, I was pretty sure I was falling for him. Then he kissed me. He is a great kisser. And oh, I could do that forever! BUT now... im not so sure. I can tell he likes me. Really likes me. And Im not sure how I feel about that. See... I'm allowed to like him, but he isn't allowed to like me... so now im fault finding and avoiding him and being totally cruel to him, (maybe) in an attempt to make him stop it...

And if you recall it was kind of that same thing with that girl. She wasn't allowed to love me. No one is. So i'm ruining it. A part of me sees what im doing and wants to stop, another part of me sees it and doesn't care, the last part of me doesn't see it AND doesn't care. I'm not sure what to do. Cause i'm a horrible screwed up mess.