The Now

I don't really remember the real reason I started this blog... it was something like I just wanted someone to know and somewhere to vent... I think.

Then I found out she was reading it. It didn't change the way I wrote it...much. But I found a new purpose behind it.

The last conversation we had, she asked me how I could be so unfeeling... how I could not care that much... I just wanted her to know that I was a mess that night. And for a long time after. That's why I wouldn't let her call me. I was shaking and on the edge, and I'm sure if I actually talked to her, I'd break down. Not to take away from the pain I caused her...

She affected my life. And because I am the insensitive jerk I am, I thought she would just get over me. No ones ever given me a second thought, or really missed me, so it didn't even cross my mind that she would hang on for more than a couple of weeks.

I was wrong.

And I feel like a tool. And I'm sorry. I know it doesn't change anything. But I am.

I don't want dredge up old feelings, or memories. It's over, she's over me. And it should stay that way. I'm ok with it. There are some things I would want to talk to her about, but it wouldn't be beneficial to either of us. So I guess the question is where do we go from here?

The Aftermath

So it was done. I logged off, closed my lap top and lay on my bed, just trying to breathe. I stayed this way, unmoving for over an hour. Just staring at the roof. Wishing I could just get her out of my head. All I could think of was her, and the pain that I had caused her.

I ignored my own pain, i knew this my own fault. I didn't deserve to give heed to my own pain. All I felt was guilt and longing.

I hated myself a little bit for doing it. I hated that I couldn't help her pain. I wanted to SO bad. But I couldn't .... because I was the cause. It was all I could do to stop myself from messaging her.

She doesn't know this, but after I left that day... I came back. Everyday. I logged on, appeared offline, just to see if she was there. She changed her statuses a few times... and every time I read them it opened up the wound I'd inflicted upon myself. I was going to delete her emails... but I never really got around to it... She sent me one last message, wishing me the best, and with that she was gone.

She was all I thought about her for days...weeks...

Secretly I hoped that she would come here.

One day, a few weeks after the break-up, I was logging on, just to see if she was there, to see if she had tried to contact me(she hadn't). I thought about what I was doing in that moment... how crazy I was being. I reprimanded myself and thought, 'really? What the hell are you doing?!' And without really thinking about it, and because I was already logged on, I changed my status to that. She responded to this with a "Whats that supposed to mean" comment, and I can't even remember if I replied to that... Again, I felt like a douche.

I should just let it go. Leave it alone. A wound you pick at never heals. September rolled around, and I kept thinking I saw her places... I had an irrational fear that she would show up to my office. For real. I kinda went off the deep end. ...

I'm making this sound worse than it actually was. It didn't affect my behaviour at all... I just couldn't get her out of my head, for the life of me. I figured she stayed in BC. I also found out that she had moved on. That she has a girlfriend and that shes in love. I'm happy for her. I kind of miss her still. She was a good friend. She is better off now.

The Break-up

I know you cant really break up with someone you arent really going out with, but in this case you can. And I did.

She told me she loved me.
After my lil freak-out sesion, 3 hours later- She was there. Waiting for me. First thing she asked me was if I was ok. Always concerned about my well-being.

Time is kind of a funny thing, and its interesting how it changes things. I'm legitimately trying to remember exactly how I felt and what I was thinking, and I can for the most part, but parts are fuzzy, and still I question things... Really I don't know how to explain it.

Anyway, I came back and we started talking. For the first little bit it was just meaningless chit chat. Then she asked me how I really felt about her. I told her I liked her. She didn't think this was a good enough answer. So I asked her if she could love me anymore. We made the agreement that if she answered truthfully, I'd give her a real answer about her previous question. She told me she was applying for scholarships for the university here, and that she wanted to move here... This scared me. A part of me wanted her to come out here, but the other part of me really didn't cause I knew what would happen... If she was still 'in love' with me after meeting me, I'd use her as my play thing. She would've been my dirty little secret, and when I got bored of that, or when I felt like people were starting to catch on, i'd get rid of her. It wouldn't be fair to her, she would love me, and she would just be a make-out buddy.

So that made it my turn to answer honestly. I told her that I lusted after her, that I think about her everyday, I daydream about kissing her, that my heart races sometimes when im talking to her. I told her that she was my favorite sin. That I wanted her, but I couldn't. I told her that she got way too close way too fast. And I told her that I didn't want to break her heart.

Then we moved back to chit chat, talked about god for a bit. I told her to hate me. She really wanted to call me, and have a real conversation. I refused. I hate phones, and at the time I don't think I could've talked to her. Looking back right now, I kind of wish I had. But at the same time, its probably better this way. Then I realized it was really late. So I went to bed. It wasn't the final goodbye just yet. I wasn't ready to let go.

So I go on the next day. I saved the Conversation....cause im sick like that, and i'm posting most of it. It kind of crosses some privacy lines, but the thing is- you don't know me, I don't know you, you don't know her.

Angel- ..hmm... are you feeling better today?..
Me- yes and no
Angel- ...hm. why no?
Me- cause i feel bad
Me- about what i did, what im doing, and what im going to do
Angel- going to do.....
Angel- what..?
Me- im ending this
Angel- no
Me- no?
Angel- you cant.
Angel- i dont want you to
Me- please dont do this
Angel- i want to talk talk to you
Me- its hard enough as it is
Angel- i want to talk to you.
Me- i dont think that would help
Me- you dont really have a choice here
Me- its not you
Angel- IT IS
Angel- DONT EFFING SAY THAT.
Me- this is just a decision i had to make
Angel- TALK TO ME.
Me- no
Angel- I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU HERE. I WANT TO HEAR YOU
Angel- I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT
Angel- I DONT WANT ...
Angel- WHAT THE HELL....
Me- Im sorry
Me- i really am
Angel- i dont want to read this.
Angel- i feel like i dont even deserve to at least hear this in a proper and real conversation
Angel- why are you dooing this to me.
Me- i never meant to
Angel- what's wrong with me
Me- its the fact that ive been playing an effing game with you cause i cant effing help myself
Me- im emotionally disturbed, and you dont need that
Angel- then i'll help you
Angel- ..please
Me- you cant

It goes on, there is begging and pleading, and arguing, and fighting, and everything really. As if it wasn't hard enough, she made it damn-near impossible.

Angel- i know im not much, and i know i dont deserve you. but i'll work hard. im at the edge.
Angel- let me talk to you.
Me- it wont help
Angel- you dont know anything.
Me- i want you to hate me
Me- i want you to think of me as a waste of time
Me- i want you to never think about me again
Angel- ...iknow you do.
Angel- this is not the first time someone's done this to me okay.
Angel- he did this to me too..

That got me.

Angel- i dont want to stop talking to you.
Me- its not about what you want, its about what needs to hapen
Angel- why does this need to happen
Me- because im a sick, twisted, poor excuse for a human being, and i hate myself for it
Me- again, its not you. Its not your age. I cant be your friend because i cant stop myself playing with you,
Angel- playing...you're not playing with me. im well aware that you flirt with me. when you said you toy with me.. i didnt like it, but do you actually mean it?
Angel- you hate me? have you ever felt any affection for me? do you really want to leave me..
Me- i did actually mean it. And i know i am a horrible person, and i also know, that someday, im going to answer for it. I don't hate you. I couldn't hate you.


Angel- this is hurting me like alot.. but im sucking it up.. lol. i wish i was you right now.. just chill and composed. be good, and gain that confidence again, love yourself.

Oh, if she couldve only seen me in that moment. I was shaking. My heart was pounding. I was on the edge. It was almost unbearable.

Me- I know it hurts, and im sorry it does. But it will pass. I'll try and be good. You too. I wish the best for you.
Me- Goodbye, Angel
Angel- Goodbye, *****

And thats how it ended. Obviously there was more conversation than this, but you get the picture. I logged off.