Sooo....I lied

I got caught up doing other things this weekend, I didn't get around to writing the rest.... my bad. Sorry. And i'm going to be super busy this week...sooo....you might not get it for a bit.

Right now

Ok so I know you are waiting for the rest of the story, and I promise it will come this weekend. It's hard to write...

Anyway. Right now. I'm sitting in my car, outside a 7-11. Trying to figure out why I'm sitting here. I was just at a little get together with some friends of mine. I look fantastic. I'm all by myself. There is a girl working there... Afton..... and I'm just sitting here. Like the creep that I am. Half trying to think of a reason to go in there. Which is stupid cause its just a 7-11. And half just sitting here...looking at her. She's beautiful. Even in the dorky uniform. She is so far out of my league, that if we were playing baseball, I'd have to back up when she bunts. ...its cold. And I'm a creepy stalker. As I was driving here I was asking myself what I was doing... sitting here I still have no idea.

Even if I did go in there, I'd buy something I don't need or I don't want, to have a 30 second conversation with her, that would probably just make me look like a retard and I'd end up saying something stupid.

And I mean, what do I expect to come of it? I can't ever have her. It would blow my closet cover, not to mention it goes against everything. ...and yet I sit here. Wanting to tell her how amazing she is, let her know that there is someone out there that sees her. That wants to be her shoulder to cry on, to be there for her, night or day, near or far. Someone she can trust. Someone, that given the opportunity, would do anything for her, someone that hopes she never again has to suffer a broken heart.

....why am I still here?....

The Freak-out.

She told me she loved me. She was 17, we had never spoken/met in real life, and she was in love. Call me crazy, but its not possible. I dont care what she thinks she felt, guaranteed, it wasn't the real thing. She may have been starting to fall, but she wasn't there. I don't know if I actually believe in love.

So, she told me this. I started having a freak-out session. Well, as much of one as I can have. I told her I needed to go, but that i'd be back. She made me promise that i'd be back that night. I said I would, and I proceeded to put on my running stuff and go for a run, but I felt like a couldn't get far enough, fast enough so I circled around and got my bike. About an hour and a half passed and I came home with the intention of talking to her, but I sat at my computer and had no idea where to start so I picked up my rugby ball, went back outside and kicked it around a bit. I didn't know where to start. I know that I REALLY didn't want to hurt her, I never wanted to break her heart. From the beginning I told her not to get her heart involved. Then again, apparently im a sadistic, masochistic nut case. I wanted her, I didn't want her, I wasn't sure. I knew that I would just use her. I was scared. Most of all I was scared.

Rugby always calms me down, I went back inside, sat down at my computer and had an intense conversation with her.