Firstly- Ke$ha is HOT. She is like, smokin hot. Mmmm. Oh, her music video 'Blah blah blah' ....i'd tap that. ...And I probably could, given the opportunity. Do you watch her music videos? Do you see the guys she's hookin up with in her videos? Come on, the dude from the tik tok video? He's like a semi-pro reject. And the Love is my Drug video? The long-haired-dirty hippie? Please. I'm hotter than that...
Back to the important things. So i'm in high school. Focusing on my studies and my athletic career... lol. Studies... Anyway. I'm playing rugby. For those of you that know anything about rugby, I play the front row. Prop specifically. And my hooker, was a babe. We became really good friends. Those two things are totally independant of each other. We just happened to fall in together. And the more I got to know her the more I wanted to. And the more time I spent with her, the more I wanted to spend time with her. I don't know how to talk about this relationship, the way it actually was. Because the way I felt about her was ....pure? For lack of a better word.
It wasn't lustful or dirty. It wasn't about pleasure, it was about love. I adored her. I could just watch her, all day. Every move she made. She was one of my bestfriends. We spent a lot of time together. She introduced me to cheesey-bbq-eggs. Mmm. That was probably the greatest morning ever. It was just me and her, she made me breakfast and we watched ellen. Angelina Jolie was on ellen. Me+her+breakfast+ellen+angelina=Awesome.
I haven't really thought about her this much in a long time. Its funny how much i've forgotten... 4 years of friendship. This is weird. I remember, one time, watching her sweep her kitchen floor, and the sun was setting though the dining room window, the whole room had a golden dusk glow to it, she was gorgeous... I was leaning on the door jamb, just watching her... Wow, sorry. Um, I'm done for now.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
What kept me sane
Over the years, i've nearly perfected the craft of making girls love me. Well, not love-love me, but like-love. ....If you know what I mean. ....That sounds really conceited. I'm like a cute puppy, everyone loves the cute puppy, but no one wants to ****edit(have sex with)the cute puppy.
I think girls are easy. ...That didn't come out right either. What I mean is that they are easy to make happy. And if you have the ability to make a girl happy, she'll love you. Just not the way I want them to.
OK. Picking up where I left off, I just screwed up my pseudo-love best friend relationship. I spend the next little while having crushes on girls, and not really doing anything about it. What was I supposed to do about it? High School came, and this is really where I started to have these feelings. I had a small circle of close friends, but I also was one of those people that could wander cliques and be accepted; I hung with jocks, with the drama kids, the choir kids, the chess geeks, the outcasts, the anime freaks, you name it and I fit in. Within my small circle of friends was one girl, she was hot and sweet and perfect. She was smart and funny and had an amazing singing voice. I loved her... too bad everyone in the school was in love with her. She became the object of my fantasies, but nothing more... she was too innocent for me to even try.
Two things in highschool kept me sane.
1- Drama class, cause in that room, there was no judgement. I could act however I wanted and people wouldn't think a thing about it, it was a comfortable space and I was surrounded by people that truely cared about you as a person. I made some awesome friends there. There were couches and bean bag chairs instead of desks, and pretty much, we did whatever we wanted.
My favorite moment in class- we were put into groups and assigned an activity of sorts, I don't remember quite what it was, but I recall sitting next to Linds on this couch, and we started discussing out activity and apparently Linds was tired and she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder and sort of cuddled into me. Mmm. My heart stopped for a split second I couldn't breathe, felt so good.
and 2- Rugby. Rugby helped for two reasons, it was a legitimate excuse to be VERY close to other girls AND I could take out all my frustrations on the field. Yes!
Its kind of funny... cause what kept me sane was also kind of what drove me crazy. I could only take it so far, and it was like I was teasing myself everytime I flirted with a drama-girl or everytime I gave a massage to my teammate.
I think girls are easy. ...That didn't come out right either. What I mean is that they are easy to make happy. And if you have the ability to make a girl happy, she'll love you. Just not the way I want them to.
OK. Picking up where I left off, I just screwed up my pseudo-love best friend relationship. I spend the next little while having crushes on girls, and not really doing anything about it. What was I supposed to do about it? High School came, and this is really where I started to have these feelings. I had a small circle of close friends, but I also was one of those people that could wander cliques and be accepted; I hung with jocks, with the drama kids, the choir kids, the chess geeks, the outcasts, the anime freaks, you name it and I fit in. Within my small circle of friends was one girl, she was hot and sweet and perfect. She was smart and funny and had an amazing singing voice. I loved her... too bad everyone in the school was in love with her. She became the object of my fantasies, but nothing more... she was too innocent for me to even try.
Two things in highschool kept me sane.
1- Drama class, cause in that room, there was no judgement. I could act however I wanted and people wouldn't think a thing about it, it was a comfortable space and I was surrounded by people that truely cared about you as a person. I made some awesome friends there. There were couches and bean bag chairs instead of desks, and pretty much, we did whatever we wanted.
My favorite moment in class- we were put into groups and assigned an activity of sorts, I don't remember quite what it was, but I recall sitting next to Linds on this couch, and we started discussing out activity and apparently Linds was tired and she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder and sort of cuddled into me. Mmm. My heart stopped for a split second I couldn't breathe, felt so good.
and 2- Rugby. Rugby helped for two reasons, it was a legitimate excuse to be VERY close to other girls AND I could take out all my frustrations on the field. Yes!
Its kind of funny... cause what kept me sane was also kind of what drove me crazy. I could only take it so far, and it was like I was teasing myself everytime I flirted with a drama-girl or everytime I gave a massage to my teammate.
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Reality
First off- I realize that this is a blog that all people will hate. The straight people out there won't like it, cause its about same-sex attraction; the gay people out there won't like it because its about me denying it and not wanting to be this way. If i'm off base on this, please, feel free to let me know.
SO. think a little catching up is in order, no one likes starting a story half-way through, and let's be serious, there is ALOT to tell. And bonus for you! Everything is PG. ...minus my fantasies... Those get a little out of hand... lol.
This ...situtation... is something i've struggled with on and off for about a decade. Fun, right? I never had a lot of guy friends growing up. Maybe its just my age group, or where I lived but girls out-numbered guys like 3:1. Brutal. And im not saying that proximity=lesbianism, cause if that were true, we'd ALL be in this boat. Im just saying that I had a lot of girl-friends.
My first crush? Sarah. She was my best friend. She lived a couple blocks down from my house and I found her really attractive. We were about 14 years old and inseperable. I sort of fell in love with her. Her blonde hair, her beautiful singing voice, her gorgeous eyes, the way she smelled. The worst part about my situation? I'm very religious, my family is very religious, she was very religous. And if there is one thing that God-fearin' people know, its that homosexuality is a no-no. And I wasn't gay... I just happened to really like this girl, and I would use any excuse in the book to be near her or touch her. It started off watching movies cramed on a couch and plotting to cram myself next to her, to offering to tickle her back/give her massages. I taught her how to dance. Slowly I broke her down, I got her so used to me touching her that she never thought a second about it. We'd watch movies and spoon on the couch, i'd play with her hair until she fell asleep in my lap, we'd have cuddle-sleepovers, it was great. We talked, we laughed, there was nothing we didn't share.
Too bad im a psycho. And I got jealous when she started hanging out with other people. I was about 15 when I ruined it. I don't even remember what I said to her, nothing about being jealous, or about how i loved her, i probably made up something about how she was acting like a bitch... but it was over. She didn't look at me for years following this. We just barely started talking again a few years ago, and its still cold. I don't really miss her. Maybe cause I'M the bitch.
So I guess that's where it started. Sort of. The explaination will continue....
SO. think a little catching up is in order, no one likes starting a story half-way through, and let's be serious, there is ALOT to tell. And bonus for you! Everything is PG. ...minus my fantasies... Those get a little out of hand... lol.
This ...situtation... is something i've struggled with on and off for about a decade. Fun, right? I never had a lot of guy friends growing up. Maybe its just my age group, or where I lived but girls out-numbered guys like 3:1. Brutal. And im not saying that proximity=lesbianism, cause if that were true, we'd ALL be in this boat. Im just saying that I had a lot of girl-friends.
My first crush? Sarah. She was my best friend. She lived a couple blocks down from my house and I found her really attractive. We were about 14 years old and inseperable. I sort of fell in love with her. Her blonde hair, her beautiful singing voice, her gorgeous eyes, the way she smelled. The worst part about my situation? I'm very religious, my family is very religious, she was very religous. And if there is one thing that God-fearin' people know, its that homosexuality is a no-no. And I wasn't gay... I just happened to really like this girl, and I would use any excuse in the book to be near her or touch her. It started off watching movies cramed on a couch and plotting to cram myself next to her, to offering to tickle her back/give her massages. I taught her how to dance. Slowly I broke her down, I got her so used to me touching her that she never thought a second about it. We'd watch movies and spoon on the couch, i'd play with her hair until she fell asleep in my lap, we'd have cuddle-sleepovers, it was great. We talked, we laughed, there was nothing we didn't share.
Too bad im a psycho. And I got jealous when she started hanging out with other people. I was about 15 when I ruined it. I don't even remember what I said to her, nothing about being jealous, or about how i loved her, i probably made up something about how she was acting like a bitch... but it was over. She didn't look at me for years following this. We just barely started talking again a few years ago, and its still cold. I don't really miss her. Maybe cause I'M the bitch.
So I guess that's where it started. Sort of. The explaination will continue....
Sunday, July 11, 2010
An introduction
Hi, my name is... well... unimportant. So are all other personal identifiers. Its not who I am that matters, but what I think, what I feel, and the way I view the world around me; this is what matters.
As the title suggests- I am a woman, and I find women attractive. But i'm the only one that knows about it. And herein lies my problem. I will forever be the only one that knows. Judge me if you must, but if you do judge me, please, atleast wait until you get to know me a little better. I will explain everything.
So. This will be it. I will change names of people and places(if I feel the urge to do so) but other than that, these are my thoughts. My struggles. My Passions. My opinions. My frustration. My self. Completely unadulterated. Please, enjoy. I just needed to let a little of this out.
As the title suggests- I am a woman, and I find women attractive. But i'm the only one that knows about it. And herein lies my problem. I will forever be the only one that knows. Judge me if you must, but if you do judge me, please, atleast wait until you get to know me a little better. I will explain everything.
So. This will be it. I will change names of people and places(if I feel the urge to do so) but other than that, these are my thoughts. My struggles. My Passions. My opinions. My frustration. My self. Completely unadulterated. Please, enjoy. I just needed to let a little of this out.
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