Vancouver

I went to Vancouver for reading week. Just needed to get away, so I went to see Claudia. The plan was to hang out with Claudia for 5 days, then head to Fairmont and meet up with some friends there for a couple days. And while I was out in Van, I planned on seeing Angel while I was out there too. In fact I was going to see her before I made it to Claudia's house.

I left my house at around 6pm on Friday, drove for about 10 hours ish, made it to Kamloops, I coulda kept going but decided the roads sucked enough, and that I needed a little sleep to make it through the following day, so I decided to stop. The 10 hours just flew by. I got into Vancouver area around noon, went to pick up Angel from the mall, which was kind of a gong show... then we went to get her girlfriend Jo. Maybe it was only funny to me, but I found it funny that I had only ever seen Angel face to face one time previously. And that one time was only for about an hour an a half... Anyway, so, I didn't really stop anywhere between sleeping and picking up Angel... so my car was pretty much a giant mess. We got to Jo's house and I get out of the car and try to move stuff around and clear a place for Jo to sit, she walks up behind me, says hi, I kind of ignore her for a few seconds while rearranging the last pile of crap, then I turn around and say hey. Then Angel was all "Aren't you guys going to hug?" ...cause thats not awkward... Yeah, sure I'll hug your girlfriend. We both got in the car and Angel gives me heck for lingering. I did NOT linger. It was just a hug.

We drove to Angel's rugby game, it was pouring still. And I love rugby in the rain, but I won't just sit there and watch it in the rain, unless it is teams I care about or people that I know... this was neither, so Jo and I went inside to watch and Angel went to join her team. Had a solid half hour chat with her. I like Jo. I had to make a conscious effort not to flirt with her... Just kept reminding myself that she is 7 years younger than me... yup...

After that I went over to Claudia's house, Oh man, sometimes I forget how much I miss her. ...I walked into my car door when I saw her... awkward. Haha. At this point in time, I was pretty tired, so we just chilled on her bed, caught up, talked, cuddled, I played the guitar for her, it was just nice. Too bad she's straight.

The next day she took me to the Aquarium. Best da(te)y ever. Oh my gosh if I had a girlfriend or boyfriend, or really anything, this is where I would take them. Sheer perfection. Minus my splitting headache. For reals, worst headache ever. Then we went for sushi. Mmm. Fish on the coast is so much better than out on the prairies.

Its kind of funny, I was constantly surrounded by Asians, and all we ate was Asian food... New appreciation for Asians? Check. Love it. Um, my favorite was dodgeball. Like in the movie... real, competitive, ridiculousness. I got drafted to a team called the "Jagerbommers" appropriate cause im the most sober person you will ever meet. Hahaha, we rocked it though. played 6 games won 4...or 5.. So much fun, other than the fact that I sprained my thumb blocking a bullet... bugger still hurts. We went to the bar after hung out with the dodgeball people, played a drinking game(I had water, don't worry) overall so fun. I also spent some time up at the lake, on the beach with my guitar. That was Wednesday, the only day it didn't rain... Actually it did rain, but not till later.

Hung out with Angel a couple more times... We ended up going to one of Jo's games... Ive only heard about her god-like basketball skills, and now I got to see them in person! They stomped the other team, but not by as much as I expected. A funny thing did happen during the game, didn't even notice I was doing it till half way into the 3rd... we were sitting on bleachers, and apparently I kept moving towards angel, and she kept moving away... For real, didn't even notice till we were like a foot and a half over from where we sat down. In my head, I wondered if she was doing it consciously... I don't know if she noticed though. Its not like I wanted to be close to her, we were talking and I was showing her stuff on my phone, which required proximity... but I guess she has a huge personal bubble... oh well.

Afterwards the three of us went for Pho. Asian soup... it was pretty decent. Angel didn't know who Shania Twain was... Jo and I had a little bonding moment over her, ha ha ha. We talked about a bunch of stuff... The whole thing made me kind of jealous. Jealous that Jo had Angel, or that Angel had Jo, or just the fact that I didn't have anybody. They are just so dern cute together.

I dropped both of them off at Jo's house, this was the last time I'd see them before I left, so I got out to hug them goodbye. I hugged Jo... for a prolonged period of time... "lingering hug" I'll show what it is to linger, and I ran my hands up across her back. Sometimes I do things just to tick Angel off... But then again... Jo gives great hugs. Mmmm. She is the perfect height, and it made me more jealous that Angel got to hug that everyday. But then I hugged Angel, and she held on longer that I planned to... sooo, I don't know who won that one. I like hugging Angel too... she's just so little!

Whenever i'm around Angel, the gay comes out in me. Its so nice not to have to hide; to have someone know all about you, someone that understands your deep dark secret... But at the same time, I don't really like it, cause I have to check myself more thoroughly when I go back to my regular crowd. It felt good to be free to act that way, without any judgement, or worry that someone would notice. I'm in the same place that i've been for the last 13 years... hopelessly torn between the two places that will never meet. And I know I say it felt good... but the problem... is it doesn't feel good enough.

I'm a girl..

I'm sorry I'm a girl, and I do stupid girl things and have stupid girl emotions. Honestly sometimes I HATE that i'm female and am subject to hormones and everything that goes along with it... Thats whats talking right now- the hormones. Life Sucks. Thats all there is to it. People are crap, life is crap, *I* am crap. Why can't things just be easy? Why can't things just work out for ONE FUCKING second??

I don't like the word 'lonely' -its stupid. And I'm not lonely. Frustrated yes.

Since the beginning of time, i've been the dominant one, I'm the one that makes the moves, im the aggressor, the predator, the comforter, the protector, the guide, the fixer. I'm the one people come to. You need anything, I'm there. Its who I am. And I'm ok with that. I like it even. Its my job title- "The Protector" Its what i do. But it comes with certain job qualities... or maybe its just the way I play the role..

I don't have any of my own emotions. My problems are insignificant as compared to others'... I have nothing to complain about. I am not bankrupt, I haven't had a miscarriage in the last month, I haven't tried to have a baby 6 times and failed, My parents are still together, I've never been raped or sexually assulted, I've never been kicked out of my house, My children don't fight me and my husband isn't on disability, I don't have any major health problems, I've never really had an eating disorder, I'm not dying, no one close to me has committed suicide, I haven't lost any loved ones recently, I'm not in an abusive relationship(except with myself), I have a job and a car, my friends don't use me, and most of the time, I can sleep through the night. So...really, I don't have any problems. Obviously my life is perfect. Can't complain.

No really. It feels like I can't complain... all my friends, people I love and trust... the only people I actually talk to... they are part of the list. All the things not wrong with me? Yeah, those are actual people. I have friends that have been raped. I have a friend that has miscarried 3 babies. I have a friend that has such major health issues, she hasn't been able to work for a year and a half. Several of my friends have/had eating disorders. My roommate can't really sleep. Ever. They all come to me. Cry to me. Unload their emotional U-haul. And I put their crap into my storage. Pushing my own issues deeper and deeper.

That was a tangent. The point of this blog here... If im a girl... and do girl things, and have girl emotions... shouldn't someone, somewhere treat me like a girl? Granted, im hard to handle, and I don't give up control easy(ever), but I need someone to take it from me. I'm tired of being strong. Of being the one to hold you and tell you its alright. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to just love me back. I need someone to help me... I'm drowning in myself. Why won't somebody save me?

...I know why... I've mastered the art of hide and seek. I will see you, your faults, your weekness, your needs, and I will help you, without fail... But i'll never let you see mine. I hide them, bury them, make distractions.. no one notices. And you don't offer help to those who don't ned it right? I guess its my own fault. I need someone to see that something is wrong. I just want someone that will see me.

I want to curl up on someone's lap. I want them to run their fingers through my hair and down my neck. I want THEM to kiss ME. I don't want to be the instigator anymore. I want someone that makes me feel safe. I want to feel wanted, loved...really loved.

I need to be loved.

Confused? Me too.

So... I realize that my last two posts kind of contradict each other...

Yeah... I don't get it either.