Falling

I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of pain...

I'm in love, I love, Im not in love... It feels like falling. They call it falling for a reason. Falling hurts. Like Hell. In, Out, whatever.

I'm feeling done... I'm just so tired of trying.. tired of giving.. and getting absolutely nothing in return. I've spent the last few months handing her my heart and watching her smash it and give it back to me. I then put it back together as best as I can, and offer it again to her, and she takes it and breaks it more.... I can only do this so long.. Its like playing that game with a toddler, you give it something and it throws it away, just to see if you pick it up.

Loving her was like loving a beautiful oil painting. It makes you feel good for a little while, you love it and admire it.. but then you realize it will never love you back. You look deeper and you can see the sadness behind it.

You wonder... if she will ever let anyone in...

You ask yourself if she ever loved you...

There were moments.

I thought she did. I thought it was all just bad timing. We talked about running away together after she finished high school... All I really had to do was wait... I have hundreds of text messages that make me think that she did love me, and in some way wanted to be with me...

All things change.

Falling out of love... A part of me wants to hang on... with the hope that she will come around... I don't want to give up on her.. cause what if im the only one that hasn't yet? Thats not a good reason to stay. And its not like im going anywhere... I will always love her. She is my friend, and as such has rights to my love. Forever. But i'm not chasing her. I'm not dreaming about her. I'm not flirting with her. Its too hard. Hurts too much.

I can get her out of my heart. Thats the nice thing about being a cold hard bitch. Not saying its easy.. Taking her out of my heart is probably going to hurt worse than anything, I hope that my heart is broken enough that it wont feel it... Getting her out of my head is a whole 'nother issue... thats always been my problem.

She made her choice. We will never be. ...but its ok, cause I kinda made that choice too... And I guess I brought this on myself. If I wouldve just told her how I really feel... If I wouldve kissed her when I had the chance... I was too cold to love back I guess.

I never said that I wouldn't. I never shut her down. If she would've come to me, if she couldve tried to break down my walls... I would've let her in. Yet here I sit in my steel fortress... my cage... alone.

...I guess it is killing me...

Why do i do it?

Two months. I haven't seen her for like two months... and in the past week, I've seen her 6 times in the last week. Saved her. Picked her up in the freezing cold when she makes stupid decisions, or gets kicked out of somewhere... yesterday- I have this meeting with some fellow coaches, it turns into a hang out, I told Court I would text her with some details after... the 'meeting' goes till about 1am... and I text her till about 2... I just fall asleep and she calls me at 3 am... she is in the middle of this ridiculous fight with her best friend who then proceeds to kick her out of the house. It's freezing out side. It's 330 in the am, and she's on the north side... I get up and drive in that general direction, trying to get her to tell me where she is. She starts crying hysterically and it breaks my heart... I drive all over, finally get her to tell me where she is... I find her, give her my jacket and get her into my car. She says she can't go home... I didn't really trust her alone anyway, so I took her to my place. I pushed the couch right up to my fireplace, and sat there with her, talking, trying to calm her down and warm her up...

She asked me "Why are you doing this? I feel like you are always saving me... Why do you do it?"
.... I gave her the answer that I always give her- "Its because I love you."

It's the only thing I can say... and its close to the truth. You want to know why I do it? It's not just that I love you, its because I'm IN love with you. And its not the fleeting kind, the pathetic or desperate, its not lust, its not puppy love, it is pure love. REAL love. And that's why. I know I can't have you. We will never be together. That much you have made clear. And yet, despite this, I still want you to be happy, to be safe. I NEED to protect you. Anytime I can make your life easier, I will, even when it costs me. ...Because I love you. Really love you. And I always will. ...That's why I do it.

And it kills me.

She slept on the couch, I slept on another couch 6 feet away from her.

Soooo.....

Basically I'm a mess.

I'm a wHorrible Person.

I'm not sure I've actually wanted to be with anyone ever. I only want things I can't have, as discussed in previous blog... I only flirt with guys in relationships, gay guys, girls in relationships or straight girls... I've been doing this for years, and I don't know how to stop.