Time Out.

Ok, time out. Fast forward to right now. Ok, so I don't really have the hots for any of my roommate.... but im sitting there, playing Nintendo with my one roommate, who has great legs, and who also happens to not be wearing any pants....I'm kinda sprawled on the couch, and another roommate of mine comes in, walks up behind roommate #1, kisses the top of her head and then comes up behind me, and brushes my hair off my forehead and gently kisses my forehead. Which is something that she does...but then she's like You are so warm, (she had just been outside and was cold) and placed another kiss on my forehead, and another, and another, them she moved her kisses down a little towards my nose, another, and another, I could feel her cold nose grazing mine, she planted one last one on my nose and proceeded with the usual chit chat.

How is this not supposed to turn me on? It was all I could do not to reciprocate, and grab her and kiss her.... argh!

The Beginning of The End

SO. She lied to me. About something that was CLEARY important. I mean, i sort of understood her keeping it from me on one level, cause I had spazzed about her being 18, and she was probably scared i'd call it quits if I knew how old she really was... but at the same time, its kind of the line between me being a cougar, and me being a pedophile. I will give her points though, for coming clean....after I called her on it...

It took a little bit, but I forgave her for it. But this was kind of the point where everything seemed to just spiral down. It made me really think about what I was doing. Here I am, trying to figure my crap out, I wasn't really looking for a relationship, and there she is, tryin her darndest to get me. Deep down I knew that I wouldnt go that way, I wouldnt ever actually be in a relationship with her, or anyone. That doesn't mean we wouldn't make out. But thats where it would end.

So, the next day, we have a little chit-chat type stuff, and then she asks me why im still talking to her. So, i try to explain it--
I like girls. I shouldnt. But I do. However, God seems to think I can get past this.
My problem with her is that I like her. I like talking to her, I like flirting with her, she is more or less on my mind alot.
First of all its wrong because she is a girl, Secondly, its wrong because she is 17,
Everytime I come on here, I wanted to 'break up with her' but i dont...not want- should/need
I shouldn't be talking to her
My other problem is this
I have severe intimacy issues, I do EVERYTHING within my power to keep people at a distance
none of that seemed to phase her
ive been a bitch to her from the beginning
ive was playing this game with her
and she kept effing coming
a part of me likes that
a bigger, stronger, more intimidating part of me hates that
and the point of that is this- I would just use her
And i feel bad because thats all i have done so far
shes been my entertainment, she has been my object of flirtation, she was a confidence boost
and ive gave nothing to her in return

So I told her all this, and she pauses for a moment and was like "you've done nothing for me"... she proceeded to tell me how I make her life better.

And im like...So I make you happy?

And then she says this. - i'm in love with you.

..............I then proceeded to have a little freak out.